What Do Dreams Mean?

Today was my first day in some days without errands to run, speeches to give, meetings to attend, and other peoples projects to maintain.  I slept in until about 8:00 which is hours late for me.  I got into my sweat pants and top, glad to see it was a cool, gray rainy day outside alleviating any guilt that I might have for not working in the yard.  I had my coffee and half a blueberry muffin and read for a while.  The phone was reasonably quiet since the primary elections are over for our area.

When I did decide to move I finished the last of two loads of laundry that I had started two days earlier while I watched CNN.  I refused to be embarrassed by what our politicians are saying in the primary finale but when I saw the news that Hastert, former GOP Speaker of the House and one of the leads on criticizing Clinton for his Lewinski affair, had been convicted of a decades old case of pedophilia with wrestlers on a team he coached and using money fraud to try to cover it up, I had had enough duplicity! (Tom Delay asking us to go easy on this poor fragile old man, said more about Delay than loyalty to a friend.  I wonder if Hastert had approached Delay's daughter would he still be so forgiving?)

I turned off the TV, worked on my emails, had fun with photography "painting" for an hour and then returned to my book reading after putting some Yoga music on the CD player.  I ate some cold chicken and a bit of fruit salad for lunch.  Even though I had had at least 8 hours of sleep I began to grow sleepy in the early afternoon and went to the bedroom and collapsed on the bed.

I was in the deepest sleep very shortly.  I kept fighting to try and waken and could not.  I was dreaming that I was in a house somewhere and a lovely young boy maybe 6 or so was outside playing.  He was my son or grandson, I could not get my mind around it, except that this angelic child with a lovely laugh was having so much fun on a sunny spring day and I could hear him through the open window.  I knew in my heart of hearts that I was missing out on this precious time, but try as I might I could not open my eyes or lift my head from the pillow.  I could not wake up!  Later when I finally pulled myself out of the stupor I realized that I had slept for over an hour!

I am not sure what the dream meant, but I do know I must have needed that sleep.

Now as a thank you for your interest, I will provide a photo-painting that I worked on using filters, highlights and shadows, hue adjustment and even painting some colors with the mouse during this gray day.

Spring Surprise

Have you ever taken in an abandoned cat or dog?  Sometimes it doesn't work, but most of the time it works out quite well.  We did have a cat  kitten that insisted it would never be held, and since I had discovered I was allergic to cats years earlier, we knew we would be sending it to someone else to become a scratching post within days.  I never did hear from that girl...

Anyway, plants that have been abandoned can sometimes be like abandoned animals.  Back in the corner of the garden shop, sitting woefully and all by itself on the dusty table, was a Meyer lemon that had just been transplanted by the garden people as a last ditch effort to save it.  Citrus trees are very hardy and do not give up the fight for life easily.  It had bare branches with only a few leaves.  The scraggly orphan had been planted somewhat askew in the pot as if the garden people did not want to put out too much effort.  They offered a big discount if we would take it away.  Orphaned plants are our specialty and we did.

The gnome-like plant was the saddest looking little tree that sat in my kitchen all winter but hung on to the dozen or so leaves through the cold gray days.  I fertilized it just before spring and it seemed to perk up.  Then as the weather warmed in mid-April, I took it outside on the deck to adjust to storms and winds and direct sunlight.  The leaves got bigger and greener.

In a little more than a week it put out buds and blossoms.  Close to 100 I am guessing.  It was screaming with rebirth energy and demanding to live.

Meyer lemon blossoms are larger than one would expect, and they bloom on branches even when there are no leaves like many fruit trees.  Yes, I will have to remove many when they begin to fruit because the tree is so small, but for now I am enjoying their beauty.

Then today I was happy to see my first lemon.  I have never owned a Meyer lemon tree and I am as proud as any new parent or pet owner.  It will be hard to pick most of these off as they first form so the tree can put energy into growth and I will miss their tangy goodness.

Another bit of knowledge is that these blossoms are tremendously fragrant and can pretty much overwhelm your senses if you are sitting next to them transplanting seedlings as I was doing the other day.  I had to get up and move away.  They fill the air in the quiet of the early evening when I go out to share that time between daylight and night.  I close my eyes and pretend I am somewhere in Greece on a rocky island in the moonlight.  It already is a magical plant.

Magic Bullets

It is spring and in spite of the beautiful rewards of re-growth outside I have been forcing myself to move on task each day.  Being alone gives me lots of time for thinking...too much thinking.  All kinds of issues, ideas, regrets, plots, plans, and philosophical ideas tumble in my brain.  I have never had a quiet mind and that is one of the reasons, I think, that I like to read and watch television.  It is escape and helps me push the pause button.  Otherwise I resolve and re-resolve problems and relationships from the past endlessly.

As Jane Fonda says, this is the third (and final) act and we hope so much to get it right.  We hope to adjust with lessons from history, to be more accepting of changes and to pick our battles much more wisely.  We hope to be more motivated and better at seeing opportunities to contribute wisely.  We are surprised when age has brought with it only some wisdom.

I have been in a bit of a slump.  Nothing big.  Nothing to write home about.  AND nothing I can really put my finger on, which is the conundrum.  But it seems lately I have been thinking more pessimistically than optimistically.  Even avoiding the news has not given me a boost.

And then two things happened this week which turned the corner at long last.

One was a nice long call from my daughter whom I do not see often enough.  She has a SUPER BUSY life filled with work and weekend activities and we had not talked in a long time--over a month.  I hesitate to call as it never seems the right time at her end.  She had been meaning to call for weeks, but was so busy she never could pick up the phone.  Then we had an hour to just chat and laugh and tease and love.  Better than any pill or sunset.

Second, a former work friend of mine, whom I see once a year if time permits, texted me that she needed a babysitter for her grandson for a little over an hour while she went to the chiropractor.  This little guy is 9 months old and could be into everything.  I love kids, felt deep down somewhere I needed a baby fix, and thus said yes.  He was a mellow fellow and calmly crawled around the house until he found the toys and spent the rest of the time tasting them.

Two magic bullets.  What are your magic bullets?

???

So where has she been?  Is she still sick?  Has she gotten her car repaired?  The answer to number one is that I am still here plugging along in my month of freedom.  Number two is my cold is gone but I seem to be having mild allergies from the pollen which is a bit annoying.  Number three...no repairs.  Hubby has needed some emergency funding for, well it is a long story and I don't want to go into it here, and so that money for the car repair will have to wait until next month.

Well why has she not blogged?  Each morning I log onto Skype and wait for a call from hubby who is on the other side of the earth and winding down his busy day.  He has meetings, his is disorganized, and he has Internet connection problems, all of which mean I may sit for an hour in the morning with my coffee waiting for the call.  It is annoying and gets the morning off to a slower start, but I am glad to see he is healthy and still smiling, so I wait.
Later when I have gone through email, for some reason the settings on my laptop have to log me out of Blogger to use my email...I have no clue why...but I forget the Blogger logon and so I do not post to Blogger and only think of it later in the day and then the day gets away from me.

I posted this from the PC upstairs which auto-logs me on when I click the link.  Much easier.

Today I transplant about 50 tomato and pepper plants to larger pots.  Detailed work as they are various cultivars and I have to make sure that they are marked correctly for the garden sale as well as transplants into our garden and others.  I also have to move more plants outside and clean up the deck and get it organized once I get the seedlings transplanted and downstairs onto the patio.  Then weeding, weeding, weeding.

Now that I have bored you beyond belief with my simple little life, you can go back to you busy lives with fulfilling tasks and fun activities and loving people.

Scattered

Like the colored bits of paper confetti after a party

Like the seeds from a newly sewn lawn

Like the spring hail that bounces on green grass

I am feeling scattered and distracted.

Healing Time

The week ahead is  not filled with  places to be or  things to do---at least.  I finally have some space and as luck (my luck) would  have it, I am fighting a small chest cold.  I think my body waits until it knows I can focus on the discomforts of an illness before attacking the germs with the lymph glands to fight the good fight.  Lungs are my  precious weak organ.  My joints repair, my muscles release their strains, my stomach rarely finds itself  in battle with some cellular being, but my lungs open each little  elastic sac to do battle like an eager puppy dog and as the dead germs pile up, I spend the night coughing up their little bodies.  Yes, it is not a pleasant image.  But is it not true that you get sick just after completing some major tasks?

On the glass is  half full side, I went shopping last week and replaced my 10-year-old worn pillow and amazingly am getting better sleep now!

It is a very mild illness and only inconvenient during these days when the nights are pretty cold and the days not much warmer.  Spring is a dyslexic tease painting everything lime green and filling the air with familiar fragrances but keeping an icy wind at your throat reminding you it is in charge.  Hubby had planted flats of tomatoes and they have all had to be removed from the outside mini greenhouses and brought inside the house once again.  He is this optimist every year that gets smacked back by the weather, except this  year he is gone and I  am getting smacked.

I am reading books (Robert Harris's An Officer and a Spy,  Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot by Kim Baker and Bird Cloud, A Memoir of a  Place by Annie Prouix) the last of the three is by far the best.  I  am a pig when it comes to literature and cannot be patient just reading one book.

It is just past 4:00 A.M. and I cannot go back to sleep and so have made myself some hot honey and tea to sooth the  lungs.  The heater is still on and the tapping as the duct-work expands is the only sound in the bedroom.  But in just days I am sure the windows will be open and the songs of birds will arrive once again to my bedroom as dawn breaks.  Patience.

In the mean time, between times, I will select the Kindle or the book and go back to Paris during he war or to Wyoming in the spring and get lost in space and time while my body heals.

On a Dime Re-run.

Spring is bugs and they show up everywhere.  Murr wrote a post about her generous hosting of those 8-legged spidery visitors to her home in the spring---actually I think they take up residence in her home year-round.

I will relate another type of encounter with a spider that happened last week and that was much more compelling.  It is spring and spiders are exploring.  The other day a spider swung from his trapeze wire unexpectedly right into my face and drifted behind my eye glasses as he tried to gain control of his movements.  It took several seconds for me to figure out why I had gone blind in one eye and then when I swiped with my hand I saw all those legs working across my wrist and under my left sleeve.  The greater problem  at this time was I was actually driving along just leaving our town on 4-lane divided road at about 40 MPH.  There was not much traffic as it was the mid-afternoon before workers were rushing home.  But, by the time I refocused on the road (only seconds has passed) I discovered to my shock that I had swerved into the left lane and then onto the grassy median with a ditch dividing this highway.  There were a handful of cars on both sides as I bounced along the ditch briefly before getting control of the car and coming to a safe and soft stop just avoiding hitting the fence pipe directly in front of me.  I took a deep breath, forgot completely about the spider,  felt embarrassment wash over me as the panic waned and gathering my wits put the car in rear gear and pulled back a few yards avoiding looking at drivers in the one or two passing cars.  I pulled ahead gently on the median, and seeing a large truck far in the distance, I turned the steering wheel as I pulled onto the opposite side of the road, made a careful U-Turn, and then took a left in the lane ahead  and made another U-Turn and headed home once again.  On a dime, folks, on a dime.

I have lost the fog light and created some limited damage to the driver's side fender as well as permanent grass stains.  I am calling the body shop today and will be punished for my distraction with an expensive estimate I am sure.

Yet, I cannot help but wonder about other outcomes.  Hubby is far away and the rest of my family and I touch base every few days or so.  If I had been in a serious accident, when would they find out?  What if I died before they reached me?  I guess they would eventually adjust, but life is shorter and sweeter than we think, is it not and not being able to say goodbye maybe one of the greatest worries.

Busy and no Bees

Sunday I was up early and dressed to go out and buy the rest of the lawn seed since I ran out on Saturday and this coming Tuesday was supposed to bring some rain.

At 10:00 AM just before I left there was a knock on the door. (Hubby is gone and the driveway gate is closed!) I was cautious. Out front were the two helpers that hubby hired to do the lawn while he was away. I was told they were coming on the NEXT Sunday. Oh well, at least I was out of my PJs.

After telling them what I wanted done, I rushed out to get lawn seed, buy them some quick lunch and go to the bank so I would have money to pay them. I only had $20 in my pocket.

Then in the early afternoon I began my Powerpoint presentation for the Commissioners. By mid-afternoon I had to run out again and take some photos from the volunteer garden for the Powerpoint. (I am a bit nervous about this VERY SHORT speech...our coordinator was clearly relieved when I said it was only 5 slides...and hope that Tuesday comes sooner rather than later. I cannot remember the last time I gave a public talk.)

I finished the presentation later in the day and sent the workers off after some further instruction and then took a well deserved bubble bath and ate a cooked frozen turkey pot pie while watching mindless television until bedtime.

This Monday morning a list of phone calls were made. A list of emails completed. I now have to call the Adult Basic Ed folks as they seem to have another student for me, and this time it is NOT help with math but reading that is needed which I feel more prepared for. Yes, my schedule is busy, but they need me...they actually need me.

Now e-bills to pay!

Next post might be about a spider and a car...if I am not to depressed to share.

Other People's Projects

Yesterday I was upstairs blogging peacefully for the first time in some days while hubby and house guest (in his early 80's) are in the basement doing prep work for a big trip.

Hubby: "We have to keep all the lithium batteries in our carry-ons.  I bought some cheap towels to wrap the big C-clamps and wrenches together."

Guest and fellow traveler:  "No, you bought some large washcloths!"

Me: "How is it going down there?  Do you need help?"

Hubby:  "Nope, we are getting there.  Just trying to balance the 50 pounds between the two suitcases. At least we are not over 100 pounds."  (They later learn they have $70.00 overage in weight.)  There are valid reasons for this weight problem and it could not be helped, unfortunately.

Someone from the basement..."I don't want you to do this now.  DON'T do it!"  Followed by grunting and shuffling sounds and someone dragging something upstairs.

...They finally left early this morning and I am exhausted as the scenario above is just a small portion of what has been going on the last three days.  Last week hubby learned a number of items (heavy tools) had been stolen from the locked container overseas and he had to rush out and buy them.  To my own credit I had warned him years ago when this plan was in its infancy stages that theft was going to be an issue on this South Pacific isle if he insisted on trying to do this project.

Our guest, who will be keeping him company, has traveled much and accomplished much and wishes to share much of his over 8 decades of life as he follows me from room to room during the three days he stayed with us making the bathroom the last resort for my peace of mind.  At least he was a good eater and ate everything I put in front of him!

Well they are off.  I now will try hard not to worry about hubby diving in the open ocean trying to set up hardware!  I will peruse the lengthy list of stuff he wants done while he is gone.  (Note to husbands:  Go on a long trip and list all the things that you do for your wife and home which she has to now do, and she will certainly appreciate you when you are home!)

Today is rainy and other than a quick spreading of lawn seed from the tiny bag left in the garage and going to purchase another large bag of lawn seed this morning, I will most likely take the rest of the day off and just be a slug.  The beauty of not moving, not thinking, not doing chores, not straightening up (the luxury of living like The Donald.)

A last minute hint that the 80-something might also be diving did concern me.  I will not tell his wife as she currently is nursing her son from a heart attack and installation of a pacemaker as well as healing from a fall herself and needs no more stress in her life.  She also will be getting a houseguest on Monday, hoping so much this mean help for her and not more work.

When it rains, it pours....

The happy boys.

Spring Flinging

Life was so peaceful just a few days ago!

I am never going to catch up it seems.  I have almost completely given up on my exercise routine because there are so many interruptions the next few weeks.

There is a medium-sized sink hole under our garage slab, about 5 feet by 3 feet or so.  Won't really know until the driveway brick is brought up, the cracked concrete apron removed and the guys go  in and take a look.  At first we thought it was a foundation issue but garage walls are stable.  We discovered this late last fall and now finally getting the engineers report and schedule for the guys to come in an work on it in more suitable weather.  It means everything against the garage wall gets moved to the center of the garage ... or out?  It means hubby will be away and I have to handle this all!  It means thousands of dollars nicked from our budget.  Photos in the future if you wish.

Hubby informed me this past week that we are having company on  Wednesday through Saturday before they both leave for the South Pacific.  I  had been cleaning out foods, since it was only going to be me for most of April, but now I have to gear up  for at least three days of food to feed two  hungry men.  I am not going crazy and probably will buy some frozen lasagna and other pre-made stuff to  carry me through until their departure.

I have not gotten one word from the County Extension person  who wanted the presentation to the  Council members.  I will have to email him for more specifics, but since the short presentation (8 minutes) is the same day and 45 minutes away from my tutoring class I really want to make sure everything is copacetic (always wanted to use that word in  a post).  He is a rather strange man who always seems to be fearful of  women...just my take on this.

Finally, I did get the entire first floor vacuumed, floors mopped and throw rugs washed.   I was even able to run wet rags along some of the baseboards where spiders tuck under the woodwork.  Winter bedding washed and put away and summer bedding out.  Fireplace is cleaned and fire tools taken to basement.  I have no energy to wash all the windows this spring as in past.  Those double glazed frames are just too heavy.  I am looking into hiring a service, if the budget allows.

Our three citrus trees have been moved out to the deck.  We have predictions for nights in the mid to low 30's F, but not any freezing, so I think we are safe.  Two of the citrus have blooms on them which means a second harvest!  Deck is cleaned and deck furniture washed.  Birds are not  happy that I have reduced the feeders, but it is time for them to start looking for bugs and  building nests anyway.  While we were gone as bird seed dwindled an angry squirrel got into the feeder with the cage for smaller birds and ate out the plastic center core!  It now sits in the garage looking forlorn.

I am exhausted, but there are still time-sensitive items on my list.  If you can send some minions that are coordinated, I will be most appreciative.

Harvest

I had to harvest these off of our calamondin tree which is indoors this time of year.  Usually we can harvest a few each day for drinks or cooking, but our trip meant that all were harvested and went into a plastic bag in the freezer.  Now we will use them as ice cubes in our drinks.  They are smaller than a golf ball...

but full of citrus flavor.

I Have Reappeared

Returning home after a week away with grand kids...beaching, biking, walking, swimming, flying kites, eating.  Got some good exercise which did make me resolve to be more active here at home.  I will see how that resolution pans out as we move into the much warmer days of summer.  Will not bore you with photos, although I took many.  It is a privilege to have such free-wheeling time with family even when my son-in-law tends to "correct/contradict" me on a number of my comments!  I am giving him more slack these days as he (a very conservative Catholic Republican) has come to both a crises in his religious faith and a crisis in politics.  The movie, Spotlight, seemed to sear his soul, and he actually voted for Bernie last month!  While Trump may be bringing confused lost souls to the GOP he is also driving many away.

I have returned but still have lists...long lists that have to do with re-entry.  

My husband is going away in a few days on his crazy overseas (expensive) project which meant I was looking forward to almost three weeks of being alone.  Eating when and what I want, wandering around the house at all hours, etc.  But he is leaving me some of his project chores here to monitor!  I also have spring gardening work to do.  I really feel a need for a major spring cleaning of the house which should take two days.  The last item is some short presentation to our "wonderful" commissioners that has been dumped on me last minute.  All of this to be started after going through the box of mail, the piles of laundry and the grocery shopping today since there is no food in the house. 

Retirement and winter months of being indoors do make one lazy, I fear.

Anyway, now to catch up on some blog reading.  (For those who celebrate, may your Easter be joyous.)

Hi / Bye

I have lists...lots of lists.

I have lots of long lists.

I am slowly crossing off stuff.

I should be thankful

As someday I may have very few

And very uninteresting lists.

I will try to get back next week!

Baby Steps

A few posts back I posted an old list I had found on my computer under the title "resolutions."   The file date was created in August, so certainly not something I had created after one champagne-filled New Year's Eve.  That list is re-printed below.     Kerry suggested that I make the list into a poem to fulfill one of the items ON the list.   How dare she?  Well the list is below and perhaps you will recognize the age old form of poetry beneath that...no, not a full sonnet and with a cheat.  Baby steps...baby steps.

RESOLUTIONS

• Dance in the rain
•  Write one complete short story
• Write a poem adhering to some strict form--not free form
•  Enter a serious photography contest
•  Read about France for our upcoming trip
•  Call about the Adult Education Program    

Resolve this day my youth is spent red hot

Remains the tale of where and how to write.

Did she believe a dance in rain would blot.

In peaceful stillness the scene of plight?

A romp with no picture and no reward.

Rethink that trip to France which holds mind's thought

And turn instead to train the aged diehard

then,

Check off each goal before thy turn is aught

If you think this is painful to read, imagine my  torment in writing it.

Preserving the Memories

As I wrote awhile back I am in the process of trying to preserve organize photos.  I am starting with plain ordinary photographs, and then onto plain ordinary 8mm where I will look into preservation of such since projectors are going the way of the dinosaur and finally onto VHS tapes.  I organized the slides long ago and they are in neat little labeled boxes because they were created mostly BC (before children).  My move to preserving will begin with digitizing the movies once an index has been created.  I will probably never digitize the photos...except for my poor wedding album.

Below is one of the early photos that I came across in my husband's family collection box and I thought it was charming.  The photo was scanned in the sealed frame and I did not want to disturb it, so the clarity is a bit rough.  It was taken in the 1920's when his mother (the girl in the photo) was about 14 by her father, my husband's grandfather, who was a professional photographer in the city. 

On the back of the photo is written "Miss Folly---age 14-16?  Masonic Lodge"

As I progress on my research I will share what I learn in terms of preservation if you like.  It can get very technical and down in the weeds so I have to skim the surface in terms of information or both you and I will throw in the towel.  It also can be expensive, but maybe better than doing it yourself.  I once worked for USDA on a preservation project for printed materials, which was cutting edge at the time and a lot of work and more detail than I expected.

My first stop during this project--preservation and digitization-- has been the Library of Congress web site which researches this field professionally for all the libraries in the country and therefore, takes it pretty seriously and pretty comprehensively.  Wish me luck!

Sexy

What is sexy?  Well, how do I define sexy.  That thing that gets your heart beating and your head spinning and your juices flowing. That which makes you glad to be alive and encourages you to throw caution to the wind and do something out of the norm. That thing that makes you forget all the mistakes and portends a fresh start.  Below in no particular order are things I find sexy.

• Investigative journalists who are in it for the truth because there is usually not a lot of money.

• People who are preservationists. People who preserve land, man’s structures, old ideas, and memories.

• People who fight for the truth and are willing to die for it. 

 • Something very strong protecting something weaker, the lion and the lamb, the marine and the child refugee, the teacher and the bullied, the policeman and the homeless woman. 

 • The writer that crafts words into a picture of such beauty you cannot get it out of your mind. The actor that touches the heart of humanity in a single character’s line. The painter that sees with a stigmatic yet clear eye.

• The human determination to understand and find a middle ground. 

 OK. Your turn, what is sexy to you?

Procrastination...should be the title of a song.

Going through old e-files on my desktop and cleaning out the detritus I came across a file created in August of 2015 called Resolutions.  I rarely write lists of resolutions, but I must have been bored on this hot August day:

RESOLUTIONS

Dance in the rain

Write one complete short story

Write a poem adhering to some strict form--not free form

Enter a serious photography contest

Read about France for our upcoming trip

Call about the Adult Education Program    

Oh well, I got two of them done!

Alice Down the Rabbit Hole

Today's Sunrise

No new news on Alice (see prior post), I am sad to say  The children have a blog which gets updated every few days, and we all are desperate for some conclusion to this tragedy.  Flyers have gone up everywhere, churches contacted (including the one she attended infrequently), and interviews at a nursing home where she used to volunteer and was fond of one of the male "inmates."

If she had found a friend to take her out of state the medical care needed would alert the network.  Besides, what kind of friend would put her family through this awfulness?  Perhaps she is dead and lying somewhere waiting to be found in the spring.  Snow cover is gone and birds are singing and today it will reach the low 50s again.  The concern is only for the living after a while. 

My husband has been having very slight memory problems for a few years, as have I.  But our concern is on his side since his mother did have senility as she reached her final years.  She kept going back in time and only remembered things in her 30's near the end.  She thought he was her brother and did not remember marrying and having a son.  She did know what irons, phones etc. were for.  So, we worry when he forgets stuff.  It is natural, I guess.  We study 'what' he forgets and while mine is long term memory loss his is more short term.  I think it has more to do with a lack of focus on his part.  He gets distracted.  I play games on the computer, take online courses, do volunteer work (my math tutoring alone has stretched my brain).

Our (his) lives are still pretty dynamic.  He is flying to the South Pacific to do some SCUBA diving on a project in April.  He swims a good mile several times a week.  He still has his good humor while I am the more difficult one. 

We are all Alice in some way and want to protect those we love from any burdens we inflict without our control.  My parents seemed to have had very sharp minds up until the very end as did my husband's father.  It is a bit of a gamble no matter how hard we work at keeping our senses.

Alice, please help us find you.

True Stories

Marissa put down the phone and stared out the window at the cold winter morning.  She was beginning to feel panic and she once again ran down the lists of options in her mind.  Last night had been all wrong.  If she hadn't rushed over after a long crazy work day still angry from the argument with her secretary, and fighting the usual Friday chaos in traffic to north county where her mother had her garden apartment, if she had just waited until this morning when she had a clearer mind...  But the caregiver was waiting on the paperwork and could wait no longer. 

Marissa is a professional financial adviser in a large company in the city.  She is in her early forties, unmarried and has lived her whole life in the city.  She takes each day as it comes and is not afraid to take charge.  Her latest burden has been a mother living alone with late onset Alzheimer's disease. Marissa's mother, Alice, was in denial and had been able to live alone for this past year while they considered what actions had to be made until several scary incidents caused Marissa and her brother Chet to pursue hiring in-house care.

A contract needed to be signed before care could be hired.

Marissa brought the paperwork last night and carefully explained to her mother what it meant.  She asked her to sign it.  Alice was suspicious and didn't want a stranger living in her home.  She didn't understand why this was even necessary.  As they closed in on the first hour of discussion Marissa lost her carefully controlled patience and they began to argue.  Marissa threatened that Alice would have to go to a "home' if she did not sign the papers, which was true.  After another hour and exhaustion on both sides, they were at an impasse and Marissa left the papers on the kitchen table and headed home.

Her morning broke a restless night of no sleep and she called her mother early as she did every morning since her mother had been diagnosed.  Alice was not an easy person to care for, she had had mild schizophrenia for years and her children were always on egg shells around her.  Ever since Alice's divorce from her father decades ago, the burden of care had fallen on her.  Some days were normal, but some were filled with upsetting emotions.  This new dementia diagnosis was more fuel to a simmering fire.

Marissa decided to call Chet, her younger brother, an engineer who with his wife and little boy lived a few miles away.  She had held off because Chet had problems of his own.  He had been diagnosed years ago in his twenties with inflammatory bowel disease and had spent years on treatments that worked for a while and then failed.  These past months he had worked from home because the symptoms had become so debilitating.

They decided to drive over to the house together.  Although they both had keys the door was unlocked and they walked into the familiar apartment.  Everything was in place, the bed had not been slept in, Alice's purse and keys and credit cards were on the table, and Alice was not there.  They knocked on nearby doors and no one had seen her.  They walked in different directions in a mile or so around the neighborhood calling her.  Hours passed and nothing was found to give them a clue to her whereabouts.  They did not want to, but decided to call the police.  Because of Alice's medical condition, the police immediately dispatched two units and began their own canvasing as well as looking through address books.  Marissa made calls.  The afternoon was coming to an end and Marissa and Chet called friends who came out in winter jackets with flashlights began a grid search assisting the police.  By sunset the police had both search dogs and cadaver dogs that worked for the next 24 hours across the suburbs and outside woods.  Temperatures dropped below zero in the dark and held on through the morning.

There were no security cameras to give a clue.  Someone who lived in the apartments said they had seen her pacing back and forth in the parking lot at about 10:00 PM.  Maybe waiting for a friend?  But they had called everyone they knew and nothing turned up.

Facebook and other social media were used as tools to find Alice with recent photos of her.  Another long and anxious day passed and still no clues were found.

Marissa was blaming herself for having the argument and for pushing her mother and for leaving her.  She was wracked with guilt.  Chet had discovered some paperwork that Alice had drawn up with a lawyer more than a year ago that had given him Power of Attorney...something he had not known...and now he was wracked with guilt.  He could have signed the contract. They had failed her.

It has now been over a week and no sign of Alice.  Since she does not have money, credit cards, a phone or car, it is a real mystery.

This is a true story of friends of one my children with names and details changed.  It is very different from TV when the tragedy is being lived by people you know.

It is a Dangerous World Out There

This past fall while traveling in Florida and visiting some long time friends, I met a man.  He was a childhood friend of my friend and they had not seen him in decades although they lived in the same state.  The man was in his late 70's I am guessing.   He was tall and handsome.  He used to be an engineer.  I surmised that he was a very successful engineer because he recently lived in a beautiful house in a very nice part of Florida, one of those impressive gated communities.  He lived there alone and I think his wife had passed years ago.  He had been a community leader explaining he had thrown many a party for political candidates.  (Stop me if I have told this story.  I swear I have the memory of a gnat.)

We were talking about weather, food, filling time because his car would not start.  He had come for a visit to my friend's house and could not leave.  He was restless and impatient.  That type that I know so well that runs companies or manages projects.  The type that wear out the carpet and check their  watch every few minutes.  It was getting dark and both he and the neighbor lady he brought did not like to drive in the dark.  This is common among the elderly and a joke among the middle-aged in Florida.

The conversation got around to his new smaller neighborhood and why he had sold the big house.  I assumed he was going  to say that it was too large for him, too hard to maintain, too expansive to use or that his friends had all moved away.  Instead he said he had moved because he used to wake up in the middle  of the night listening for noises and thinking someone would break in and kill him...not rob him, kill him.  Now maybe I could read something into this, like who had he wronged over  the years or what did he know that we did not about his past, but I really think there was nothing nefarious here.  There was no crime spree any greater than any other place in the state or even the states for that matter in his area.

I think he was that man that never was comfortable in a community unless he was the leader running things.  I do not think he was the man that trusted his fellow man.  He was not the man that figured most people are honest, most people are fair, most people do not have hidden agendas.  He was the man  who would vote to go to war first and ask questions later because the world is a dangerous and ugly place.

Last week I read a news story about an incident on the mass transit train  in England.  A man, large and military looking, got on the car  and began  having an emotional attack of some kind.  He was talking to himself, thrashing about and terrifying the other passengers.  A woman in her 50's or 60's was sitting at the end of the car where he was standing and she reached out and took his hand when he took a pause in his emotional outburst.  He collapsed to the floor in tears and sat there the rest of the ride  holding her hand.  At the end when it was time for him to get off he said softly to her, "Thanks moma (mum?)." and exited the train.

When this woman was later interviewed they asked her if she had been  afraid.  She said, "Of course."  but she explained that her instinct told her to try to help.  She did not know how he would react, but  she  knew he needed something.  Yes, I know that this could  have turned out so much worse for  her, but I truly feel the odds were on her side.  The world is not that dangerous and ugly if we use caution and  love.