Marissa put down the phone and stared out the window at the cold winter morning. She was beginning to feel panic and she once again ran down the lists of options in her mind. Last night had been all wrong. If she hadn't rushed over after a long crazy work day still angry from the argument with her secretary, and fighting the usual Friday chaos in traffic to north county where her mother had her garden apartment, if she had just waited until this morning when she had a clearer mind... But the caregiver was waiting on the paperwork and could wait no longer.
Marissa is a professional financial adviser in a large company in the city. She is in her early forties, unmarried and has lived her whole life in the city. She takes each day as it comes and is not afraid to take charge. Her latest burden has been a mother living alone with late onset Alzheimer's disease. Marissa's mother, Alice, was in denial and had been able to live alone for this past year while they considered what actions had to be made until several scary incidents caused Marissa and her brother Chet to pursue hiring in-house care.
A contract needed to be signed before care could be hired.
Marissa brought the paperwork last night and carefully explained to her mother what it meant. She asked her to sign it. Alice was suspicious and didn't want a stranger living in her home. She didn't understand why this was even necessary. As they closed in on the first hour of discussion Marissa lost her carefully controlled patience and they began to argue. Marissa threatened that Alice would have to go to a "home' if she did not sign the papers, which was true. After another hour and exhaustion on both sides, they were at an impasse and Marissa left the papers on the kitchen table and headed home.
Her morning broke a restless night of no sleep and she called her mother early as she did every morning since her mother had been diagnosed. Alice was not an easy person to care for, she had had mild schizophrenia for years and her children were always on egg shells around her. Ever since Alice's divorce from her father decades ago, the burden of care had fallen on her. Some days were normal, but some were filled with upsetting emotions. This new dementia diagnosis was more fuel to a simmering fire.
Marissa decided to call Chet, her younger brother, an engineer who with his wife and little boy lived a few miles away. She had held off because Chet had problems of his own. He had been diagnosed years ago in his twenties with inflammatory bowel disease and had spent years on treatments that worked for a while and then failed. These past months he had worked from home because the symptoms had become so debilitating.
They decided to drive over to the house together. Although they both had keys the door was unlocked and they walked into the familiar apartment. Everything was in place, the bed had not been slept in, Alice's purse and keys and credit cards were on the table, and Alice was not there. They knocked on nearby doors and no one had seen her. They walked in different directions in a mile or so around the neighborhood calling her. Hours passed and nothing was found to give them a clue to her whereabouts. They did not want to, but decided to call the police. Because of Alice's medical condition, the police immediately dispatched two units and began their own canvasing as well as looking through address books. Marissa made calls. The afternoon was coming to an end and Marissa and Chet called friends who came out in winter jackets with flashlights began a grid search assisting the police. By sunset the police had both search dogs and cadaver dogs that worked for the next 24 hours across the suburbs and outside woods. Temperatures dropped below zero in the dark and held on through the morning.
There were no security cameras to give a clue. Someone who lived in the apartments said they had seen her pacing back and forth in the parking lot at about 10:00 PM. Maybe waiting for a friend? But they had called everyone they knew and nothing turned up.
Facebook and other social media were used as tools to find Alice with recent photos of her. Another long and anxious day passed and still no clues were found.
Marissa was blaming herself for having the argument and for pushing her mother and for leaving her. She was wracked with guilt. Chet had discovered some paperwork that Alice had drawn up with a lawyer more than a year ago that had given him Power of Attorney...something he had not known...and now he was wracked with guilt. He could have signed the contract. They had failed her.
It has now been over a week and no sign of Alice. Since she does not have money, credit cards, a phone or car, it is a real mystery.
This is a true story of friends of one my children with names and details changed. It is very different from TV when the tragedy is being lived by people you know.
what a terrible and sad situation. we had our own dealings with an elderly parent, though nothing at all like this, who was uncooperative and suffering from dementia which we did not know because she seemed lucid, just being her usual selfish self-centered self. when we finally got her out of her home and into a care facility, then we heard all kinds of stories from the neighbors, none of whom told us any of this while she was still living there.
ReplyDeleteSo sad. I hope to have things settled so my one child will not have the pain of deciding what to do for me when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteWhere could she have gone? And not to be seen for so long would be terrifying for me as her child. Please let me know, for better or worse, what happens with "Alice." I care.
ReplyDeleteThis is horrible and I hope you keep us updated. I hope this woman is found soon.
ReplyDeleteI hear this kind of thing a lot from 'kids' with elderly parents where the parents haven't accepted their condition. I only hope when I begin to lose it, if I do, that I can recognize it and not put my kids through it. It's really tough when the child becomes the parent. My husband and I were lucky with our parents (who are now all deceased) that we never got to that spot. My husband's parents accepted their need for assisted living. My parents both died before it became an issue (they lived in the mobile on our farm). I've known many not so fortunate.
ReplyDeleteI hope they find her. What a tragic situation.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of those nightmares i know none of us want to live.
ReplyDeleteWe had two stories like this in our local paper this past month. One turned out well, the other didn't. I hope Alice will be found safe.
ReplyDeleteThis hit close to home. My mother had dementia in her later years, also struggled with schizophrenia through her adult life. She wandered, too, once ending up in a neighbor's house but most often going to the church. My brother put a large black mat in front of her door. She must have thought it was a big black hole because she stopped wandering alone after that. And the guilt that we didn't do enough or good enough, that too.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote it well. Seemed like good fiction. Keep us posted.
ReplyDeletePlease keep us posted about this. What a horrifying disaster.
ReplyDeleteIn answer to your question: Yes, I have often thought that she became an engineer because her father and brother were engineers.
Jeez, a terrible, horrible mystery. Only one thing we know for sure: Neither Marissa nor Chet was to blame, and they should not feel the slightest bit guilty.
ReplyDeleteAnything on Alice yet?
ReplyDeleteI counted them. I was a teenager, and I wanted to know how many they had.
That dear hippy and I have been together 32 years now. :) I'd not be who I am today if he were not in my life.
Truly a tragic story. Keeping our mind as we age is likely what most of us hope will be our situation. Can be challenging helping a spouse/parent maintain independent living which I coincidentally just wrote about. There are increasing assists available but gaining the loved ones cooperation to use them may not always be easy as friends of mine have currently been experiencing with parents.
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