Holding On to the Center

I think that the one thing I search for as I age and find I actually have time to think  and search is the "Center  aka Balance."  I look for that middle ground where everything can clearly be seen, where, if I stand straight and tall with my arms out wide, I feel in complete and peaceful balance.  That place, where, if I stare straight ahead, I can see into those loving eyes of my family and read their minds and accept what is revealed...changes and all.  That place where I know I am home and there is nothing hidden or unknown that can take me by surprise.  That place that is safe and pure and honest and where I am not looking over my shoulder at the mess that is catching up with me, or the old age that is catching up with me, or that bundle of guilt that I keep in a dark locked trunk behind the shed door...the bundle that shows how much time in my life I have wasted and all the mistakes I have made.  It is that place where the future is only obvious change and not unnecessary challenge.

Truly retired means there are no longer any excuses for not being in the Center of your life.  Even if you are fighting a serious disease or supporting the fight of a medical challenge of a loved one...you finally have some time for concentrating on the Center.  Actually you must dedicate time to remain in the Center or you are of no use to anyone off-center.  In retirement there is no longer a career or children to pull me off-Center.  I always admire those people who find the gift in everything that happens to them.  Not the sugary frosting top bow...but the solid center gift of what happens to them and with a gentle sigh they can see and accept that it happened and realize it is there to make them pause and to grow to become more solid and able to fit in between it all.

On a graph sent to me by my financial adviser (yep, I do have one of those) the Center is that place in the middle of the graph where the Y and X meet.  This magic happens between the far flung four corners on this graph which are labeled Lower Risk-Higher Return, Higher Risk-Higher Return, Lower Risk-Lower Return and finally Higher Risk/Lower Return.  The only honest place and sure thing on this graph is Lower Risk-Lower Return.  The most attractive place is Higher Risk-Higher Return but there is not much air in this corner of the graph whether representing financial life or daily living and it is a place you cannot stay long but probably should visit briefly for the thrill every once in a while.  (It is funny how this graph replicates life.)

I live in a culture of excess with lots of glittery lights and magnificent smells, and addictive sounds and therefore, trying to find the Center with the coals warm glow and to remain balanced as I am made stronger by fire is a daily challenge.  It is like yoga and meditation...a most peaceful and rewarding place that allows you to forget about all the corners of your world, past and present, but it takes lots of work to get there and to remain there and most of all to just let go of the idea that you must be on a path to somewhere else.  The only place I must be is right here and right now.

Essential Things You May Have Missed Out On

It amuses and amazes me everyday how I have become that old person who looks back on life and wondered how I ever got through it without all the aids, gadgets, networks that are available today.

I raised two delightful and complicated children back then.  We did not have seat belts in cars and my friends who smoked were allowed to smoke while we went somewhere.  Miraculously my children survived both these dangers.  I unknowingly fed them foods in containers lined with carcinogenic plastics or probably sprayed with dangerous pesticides.  School lunches included the vegetable ketchup to balance the repast.  Abandoned refrigerators and mean dogs were the greatest fear in neighborhoods.

Because I am a technologically savvy grandma, I purchase gifts from my grandchildren via that new magical mall, the Internet.  These companies then automatically assume I need paper versions of their inventory as well and my mail box begins to regurgitate colored catalogs of items beyond my wildest dreams.

There are gates and locks and containers that even an enterprising raccoon would have difficulty surmounting.  Children now have their own luggage when they travel, and sunglasses and helmets when they are out riding in that dangerous but very comfortable stroller.  With the added cup-holder and side music speakers, as Fran Lebowitz says, they are never leaving that stroller.

In the latest version of one of these missives offering "thoughtfully selected products," I have the opportunity to purchase a Potty Watch that alerts small children with lights and music to remind them to go to the bathroom at preset intervals...I cannot help but think of a child who would become dependent on this and could not go to the bathroom without the alarm...you know, that idiot CEO at the board meeting!  I could buy a pillow that supports good posture in small children when they sleep...unless they sleep sideways across the bed as does my grandson #1 or with the pillow over their head as does my granddaughter.

There is even a strange device that one uses to remove mucus from the noses of little ones who have not mastered the art of blowing.  The mother puts it against the child's nostrils and then puts a little plastic tube in her mouth and proceeds to suck on the tube.  The text assures us that the mucus goes into a tissue and not the mother's mouth.  It still looks very unsettling in the photo (above) of mother and child using it.  The real clincher is that the publisher claims it has been used by European parents for years.  (They probably write in the European version that it has been used by North American parents for years.)

How did our baby "animals" survive without this stuff?  What new wonders will be available to my grandchildren when they begin to raise their little ones?  All of these do not belay the real dangers of global climate change, air pollution, water pollution, crime, drugs and daily stress that our little ones have to battle.

Hummingbird Moth

(I was supposed to post this on MY OTHER blog...but got mixed up and am too lazy to move all the html code...so here it is!)

This is Hemaris thysbe (at least I think that is what is is) commonly known as the Hummingbird moth.  Got these photos while he was hanging out at the dianthus pot on the back of my deck.  They turned out nicely, so, of course, I had to share even if in reduced pixel size!

There is not much known about this moth, except one site said the scientific name was based on the Pyramus and Thisbe  love story where Pyramus finds Thisbe's blood stained scarf assuming she had been killed and thus impales himself with his own sword.  The Hemaris part is based on "Haemorrhagia as a reference to blood-like coloration" 

I also found this quote  "The courtship behavior of hawk moths is very complex. It often involes pheromones, love songs and aerobatic flights. This type of behavior has been noted in the cream-lined hawk moth from Asia, and is currently being studied in the North American species. However, many different hawk moths, such as the ocellate hawk moth, also found in Asia, do not have these behaviors. Rather, they tend to have broader wings and fly more clumsily. They have no tongues, do not feed as adults, and show little courtship behaviour. (Kitching, 1999)"

I see this often in the summer and sometimes people think they are a stinging insect because of their size...not so.

Did You Disappear?

Several people commented in posts and even commented on my blog comments on the recent two-day outage of Blogger...although Blogger did not admit they were out of whack for that long because you could read what had been published in a prior time.  I had been pretty busy away from the computer during that time and only noticed at the very end when I was trying to check my posts.

It was a little frustrating for me not being able to post anything or read anything new, but because I am easily distracted  I moved on to something else. 

Some of you wrote that you felt as if you had been cut off from communication with an important side of the world.  I began to wonder if I would have felt the same if it had been a rainy or cold day where I was stuck at home with nothing to do.  If I had time to reflect, I am sure that I would have been a little panicked at not being able to get in touch with readers of my blog.  What if Blogger had gone down permanently?  I am sure they have back-up servers to return to a prior time...but what if?

Peruby has a disaster recovery plan idea which she wrote about.  I never thought about a back-up plan for a hobby, but that is an interesting thought.  How did you feel about all this?  Do you have a back-up plan?

Huh?

Our Master Gardeners are having their big plant sale this weekend and I have been very busy labeling and transporting small and large potted plants, building (!) plant benches and identifying plants. Earlier in the week I spent several days with my daughter helping with three little ones as her husband was on a week of travel.  She was nursing a cold on top of everything else....so, if you will excuse me, I really think I need a nap right now...then I will do research on this Blogger issue.

Bloody Murder at Tabor's Yard

(This is a warning that the following post may contain content too violent for children or adults with a sensitive nature, and no, Tabor did not kill her husband.)

It was a dark and stormy night...no, actually it was the middle of a sunny afternoon.  There were ominous shadows flitting through the trees...no, it was a beautiful spring breeze rustling the new growth and that is what tricked me, that made me oblivious to what was to come.  There were an unusual number of blackbirds flying back and forth across the lawn.  Thats lends a little ominousness to the mood...doesn't it?  There was also the sinister buzz of black flies in the air...the type found in any Stephen King soundtrack.

I had just emptied my overcrowded dish of plant succulents, finished their re-planting and was heading down my driveway to obtain some soil to mix with the sand.  As I walked I noticed ever so superficially something bright red on the driveway pavement...a lovely rose petal, perhaps?  I continued my saunter under the large leaning tulip poplar that will one day fall across this driveway and kill someone.

Then, without warning, I felt something wet fall onto the outside of my hand just below my watch band.  Rain released from a tree leaf?  I looked down and saw wet, red blood!  A nice juicy spray of drops across the back of my hand to the base of my thumb.  I looked up and saw the tulip tree leaves winking at me and nothing else.  I looked back down at my hand and quickly wiped away the blood on my muddy jeans, and that was when I saw body parts scattered across the pavement!  Truly a CSI moment.

Here's looking at you!

I backed up a yard or two and again tilted my neck to look into the tree.  Many of you have already guessed what I saw.

He was not going to interrupt his casual lunch of shad just because I was doing yard work!  Today I learned that osprey do not eat the eyeballs, and now I wonder why not?  And I realized how much they fertilize the earth when they eat... if not eating over a paved driveway, that is!  The ants were soon having a picnic, though.

And at least it was not bird poop that fell from the sky on me....

The Other Mother

Today's post is to honor those mothers who have lost children through disease, war, or accidents of life's decisions.  Today is a most difficult day for you to get through because it is the deep reminder of that river of pain you swim through each and every day as that child is no longer a part of your life.  Or perhaps, that child has disappeared into a dark alley of the world somewhere and while you think of them often, today their presence hangs most heavily on your heart as you wonder what has become of them.  Your memories of their face are static in time and do not console you.

Today I place a virtual hand on your shoulder and another across your heart and I lay my head on your shoulder as I try to understand your pain and wish you some peace.

Home is Where They Have to Take You In

To those who actually care, and with such loving surprise to me, some of you do...

Hubby is home! Safe and sound.

How do I know, other than I drove the hour and half to pick him up, waited an extra 30 minutes for him to clear customs, and managed to find my way out of the cell phone parking lot to the arrival area on time?

I know because even though he was tremendously jet-lagged he let me stop at the HUGE landscape place on the way back from the airport to buy $80 worth of plants and actually pushed (drug) the cart all over the cobbled paths for me.

I know because this morning there are shoes left under the breakfast table and a bill cap hat on the floor next to his chair. I know because I see the $300 binoculars left out overnight in the rain on the deck table (they survived nicely).   I know because he is not hungry at dinner but is hungry at midnight and I hear him rustling up some cereal in the kitchen and then watching CNN. I know because he is jealous(!) I hired a yard service for the next month. I know because his favorite teapot is now always on the counter.

I know because we spent 30 minutes yesterday afternoon looking for his cell phone (a familiar routine)...in the garden...in the cars...in the garage...in every room in the house.  After calling it and listening carefully we heard a kitten-sized ring in our closet where he had left it in some pants that he had worn and then shoved in a drawer!

Yes, he is home and my life is now busier.

Treasure Chests of Virtual Reality

There were days long ago when friends would send out a birthday card followed by a winter holiday card (Hanukkah or Christmas or whatever) and they would write a few paragraphs or if they had an ego the size of mine they would include a chummy newsletter that let the friend know all that had happened since we had last seen each other.  Sometimes we would include a photograph just to show we were indeed aging but still alive or to prove that our children and grandchildren were the most beautiful in the world.  These little histories might be tucked away in shoe boxes and if we stopped sending out mail our children or family would send out the notice of our passing sometimes months later after finding our address book or upon receipt of the letters at next year's holiday.

Grannie Annie commented in a past post about how hard it would be today to know why someone quit posting on a blog and how hard it would be to find out what happened to them.  In this modern digital age our lives are played out on Facebook, Snapfish, Phanfare, Flicker, YouTube, et al. by us and by others with whom we wander down our life's path.  Sometimes others may tell even more than we would like to share about us to their friends...many of whom we don't even know.  Those who are more communicative and with a little larger sense of their lives go forward with Blogs or Web pages and tell friends, family and frequently anyone who would watch and read, including total strangers, all about their memories and activities and opinions.

Our modern lives are held in "clouds" of digital pixels on servers everywhere and anywhere.  If I die tomorrow, not that I am going to, no one will be able to tell you that I died.  If it is not a professional site such as a newspaper column, perhaps no one will edit, preserve or delete anything I have written.  I have photo libraries stored in various places.  Yahoo has indicated that upon the receipt of a copy of an official death certificate they will remove the account.  Others have similar or no process in place.  I have a twitter account which I rarely use and only started it to stalk my son; I have an FB account, even an old password protected blog site that I have used on rare occasions to post only family stuff for relatives.  I even have old web pages somewhere that I created a long time ago and I can't even remember where those are!  All of these are accessible with various passwords and unless I give a directive and tell family where the password list is, I will become a cloud of information myself.

Certainly a site such as Facebook would be easier to inform friends of an important change.

I am still fascinated by these digital words and photographs shared across the globe.  Maybe some of this digital information will be useful to cultural archeologists or historical librarians, and in 100s of years, that which remains and can be uncovered will be sifted and analyzed and discussed.  But this is not like great-grandma's letters...it is hidden and easily lost.  Do any of you wonder about this stuff?  Do you care?

Romance

I had no intention of being a fan of the Royal Wedding.  I had avoided all the pre-programs and super guessing games and standard analysis and while I am not against happiness for this lovely couple...I really, really, really had no interest.

This morning I wandered downstairs to exercise (no applause as I haven't exercised in over a week) and flipped on the TV as I cannot run on the elliptical without some distraction.  I HATE aerobic exercise.  I had been watching a movie weeks ago on this channel and here at 5:30 in the morning... in my basement...what should I see... but the wedding procession just getting underway.  Since I was already on the running machine and had begun to work up a rhythm, I left the channel running.

It soon became fascinating.  All  the pomp and circumstance was captivating.  Even that old, cold Queen who had long ago given it up for England looked so lovely and warm.  No big grins on her face and no indication she was happy about this day...but she wore a lovely golden yellow and did allow a few royal smiles.  The sis almost outshone the bride with that lovely gown and the children were almost American in their desire for decorum to be over and done with already.

I heard that the wording had been changed to gender neutral...but they still went through the symbolism of the father giving away the bride as if she was property....or as if he had spent substantial time in raising her while her mother stood in silver gray in the background as mothers have done for centuries.  You know, the one who did the cooking, bathing, diapering?

The boys choir and the adult choir were stunning and the sermon to the couple was warm and intelligent, and all almost made me desire to get back into church attendance except there are no choirs or church bells of this magnificence in my neck of the woods.

AND I have to confess that I did tear up several times when I saw the love and excitement that the British citizens (all around the world) had for this beautiful couple.  I have to admit that this was the best reality show I have seen in a long time and I do wish them a lifetime of happiness and perhaps more important lots of good luck.

No Tornadoes, No Complaint

All we got was some very nasty winds and torrential downpours...but it was enough to dislodge these two tulip trees.  One had been damaged in the building of the house 5 years ago, but we thought the other was pretty healthy.  Notice that it missed the compost corral but did knock aside the bat house.  AND more money to fix that damn deer fence...AGAIN!  At least I am safe and my house is safe.  I will not complain.

So Where Is She?

So where in the heck has Tabor been?  Hiding under a rock waiting for a rain along with that garden snail?

No.  Perhaps she has been busy growing mushrooms...although she was sure she planted ageratum in this tray of annuals?

She has been busy keeping the many tomato plants alive in their containers for the plant sale coming up in a few weeks.

She has been dragging hoses from one side of the yard to the other.  She has been busy lifting heavy bags of potting soil and dumping the soil into various containers.

The on the odd hour she has been admiring the one or two planters that slept through the winter and put on their own spring show with absolutely no help from her!

What Can I Say?

What a strange feeling for someone who has been known for talking too much...to actually, factually, and tactually run out of things to write.

I could write about my inability to fit with Easter, although I have tried for decades to believe in this.  It just ain't gonna happen and writing about it will only alienate those for whom it is a deeply important personal time.  I could write about needing a Manners Manual for what to do when your family wants you to come for Easter and in the middle of the day they are planning on going to mass.  ( I was baptized Catholic but raised myself as a Methodist and raised my children the same.)  Now I am just a spiritual wanderer, happy when others pray for me, but not expecting any miracles.

I could write about the tease and temptress that spring is.  Going from 49F in the midday to 80F on another midday and me doing a plant dance of covering and then uncovering and then watering and then sheltering from too much rain all the little plants that I want to survive this year.  They are pushing their leaves against their plastic lids!!

I could write a long treatise on my plant ignorance having learned two days ago at a training session that sugar maple trees are most foolish to plant in the mid-Atlantic as Maine is even having problems keeping them alive as the weather warms more each year.

I could write about how I miss my husband but now that I have less than a week until he returns, I am a little sad about losing my independent days and the freedom of odd meals and even odder mealtimes.

Or, I could just be lazy and say I have nothing to write about!  Your turn.

Spring Green Thursday Thoughts #34

As Kermit the frog has said:  "It's not easy being green."  Humans are finding this out more and more each day.

1.  The ozone hole above the earth is the smallest since 2006 and may disappear by 2050 which is a long time from now.  I probably won't be alive then.

2.  Our recent budget bill passed by the U.S. Congress included the highly relevant removal of protection against shooting gray wolves.

3.  If you were giving out the 2011 Environmental Hero award I am sure that the actress, Darryl Hannah, would not be the person who would first come to mind...but she is getting the award.

4. In my neighborhood several folks leave on porch lights which I can see blazing the woods as I crawl into bed each evening.  These lights would not discourage robbers as there are many dark corner windows for them to explore.  I suggest we turn off all our outside lights at night to reduce light pollution which is a huge tragedy on this planet.

5.  The Environmental Protection Agency has proposed rules to reduce mercury emissions from coal plants by 91%. According to some politicians this would be too expensive for coal plants to implement.   I think it would be too expensive for baby lungs NOT to implement.

6.  Pollution for the copper mine chosen to produce metal for the medals awarded at the 2012 London Olympics is responsible for up to 200 premature deaths each year.  Sort of takes the edge off of the reason for the Olympics.

7.  In 2006 Brazil and Peru agreed to construct five dams throughout Peru, selling most of the power to energy hungry Brazil which has reduced its poverty rate to 15.3%.  Most of these dams will be built in the heart of the last rain forests in the world creating cities and new highways and jobs into the heart of the green.

8.  Kit foxes living in cities in California have a diet richer in corn products than their more rural cousins...probably due to corn syrup...i.e. junk food from trash.

9. Earth Week is almost over...how about using cloth for wrapping your Easter Gifts?  Turning off all lights at night?  Not using so many paper towels or turning off the continual rinse water when washing dishes?

10.  I did not know about this group!

11.  If you have children you might do one or two of these this week.

12.  The good side of rising gas prices is that we will be forced to pay for a fossil fuel at its real value.  Of course, those on fixed incomes and those who are poor will learn this lesson in an unfair way.

13.  When you go shopping today, look for things you need and not things you want, and please remember that there is no more away to throw it!

Pauline Hit the Nail On the Head

Actually Pauline hit the nail on the head with my prior post.  It was more the way my time was being jerked around by a broken car, broken appointments and no one to commiserate with!  I like being alone, but know it is not good to lead the life of a hermit in this day and age and force myself to get out the door and go somewhere.  I just wish other people and things would respect my time!

No One Cares That You Had Oatmeal for Breakfast

The kind of thoughts that the title above reflect have been tossing and tumbling about in my feeble brain this past week.   They are annoyingly self pitying and self centered.  Perhaps it is because I have been alone for weeks, perhaps it is because my step-nephew who was in the area called for a visit and then never showed nor called back, perhaps it is because my son has told me two weekends in a row that he is coming to visit and then cancels the day before, perhaps it is because my daughter is spending spring break with the in-laws at the beach, perhaps it is because my 12-year-old car is beginning to abandon me...perhaps it is because I do not have a dog.  (Of course, there is always the very real and more perfect danger that I could get used to and really like this hermetic and vacuum packed existence.)

You Can Fool Dumb People All of the Time

American college students, bored housewives, and elderly couples without a life are now in mourning across the country.  Afternoons will soon be filled with the reality of "real" lives instead of the drama of soap operas.  No, I do not really care.  I was addicted to soaps back in college and later when stuck staying at home with babies.  This was kind of stupid watching these serial dramas, since it was all that romance and hot body action that resulted in my being confined at home with diapers, humans that could not yet talk, and slow afternoons that were perfect for soap operas in the first place.

Now it is my understanding that today's economics have driven the daytime entertainment programming industry in a new direction so that now Americans will be watching real people 'act' out their lives instead of actors telling stories written by writers.  These 'real' people will be lousy at their jobs because their lives are filled with strife, arguments, sex, break-ups, alcohol, self-doubt, and all while wearing impractical clothes in the worst taste possible.  But some of these 'real' people will break out into more than 15 minutes of fame.  And if their enhanced cleavage holds up, and their hair stays thick and their mouth doesn't betray them, they may even get to give a college graduation address or two or perhaps write a book on why we should not make all the mistakes they have made in their pathetic little lives...sorry, my must be my envy.  Their public advice will not be free, but it will certainly not be worth what they are paid.  They will make six figure incomes while teachers and fire fighters and policemen and soldiers who lead honest lives will struggle to put food on the table.  Daytime reality stars will tell boring stories while real writers will struggle for the attention span of mediocre American minds on independent channels.  But the primary point is that reality stars will not make the humongous salaries of real actors (like that wonderful talent Charlie Sheen who milked his production studio dry...must have been that union he belonged to.)

Watching these reality shows will emphasize the worst behaviors and character flaws that can be found in our society.  They will be excellent examples of what not to do if you are watching with your teenagers.  Real reality would be boring to watch as it might involve intelligent people with mature ideas and cooperative relationships muddle through their days.  "Reality television' is an oxymoron like Fox's "Fair and Balanced" news programs.

For all of those who think American culture is now stagnating in a swamp of mediocre stimulation, it gives me no pleasure to agree with you.

The Survey or Was It?

Let us say that you have a local bank where you do most of your business.  Let us say that after the bad news on banks in years past, you really like this bank because it did not get bad press.  You like this bank because it provides good service and is conveniently located in both your town and also in the grocery where you shop.

Let us say that after numerous phone calls, from a phone number ID of Pittsburgh, PA which you did not recognize, you decide to finally answer the phone.  Let us say that the call is from the marketing headquarters of your bank and they really, really, really, really love your patronage and want to survey you as one of their favored customers.   (No, neither of your accounts is in the 6 figures.)  They want to know what it is that you like about their bank, and what it is that you don't like, and what you would recommend for better service to you, their valued customer.  I suggested higher interest rates which brought a chuckle on the other end.

Now answer me this question:

Why after this 8 ( golly it seemed like 20) minute phone call which you had to break off yourself with a false excuse, do you now know that the bank interviewer is 38, has a girlfriend, they are Redskins fans, they both love to garden, he will use your term 'therapeutic' in relation to gardening if you don't mind(?), they never buy tomatoes from the store...although the farmer's market can sometimes provide a decent tomato, the interviewer's mother is 70, both he and his mother lost a chunk of money in the market crash (through investments with Leighman Brothers), after which he fired his investment counselor, and as a final tidbit of info, he is now concerned because his mother is on a fixed income? Why is he telling me this?!!  I am not a Chatty Kathy, so I did not pull this out of him.  As a matter of fact, I barely got a word in edgewise except for answering a rare question or two.  As I stood impatiently talking to this man and staring out my front window, I almost thought it was a joke and that I was part of some 'you got punked' show expecting Brad Pitt to show up at my door cell phone in hand and big grin on his face.  Fat chance.

After several commiserating comments on my part which I was able to make while the interviewer took a breath, I then insisted I HAD to go.  He responds with, "Well, I still have several more questions to ask you.  Perhaps I can call you back later or in a few days?"  (Not in your wildest wet dreams, kiddo.)  With a smile in your voice you recommend he do that and then hang up the phone and make a promise to yourself not to answer any more phone calls with the ID Pittsburgh, PA.  (I now wonder if he was trying to get personal information out of me and this wasn't a bank call after all?  He did find out that I like to garden and I am not a Redskins fan.)

Sigh.

Do You Like Egg Salad?

I have been alone since the fifth of the month and will be alone until the end of April.  My husband is thousands of miles away attempting to start a business.  It is a long shot, but since it has become the project that helps him get out of bed each morning, I am letting him fly with the goals (not gulls).  I personally think the project has a snowballs chance in hell of going anywhere, because it has a large philanthropic component and not a serious profit motive and is being done in a foreign country.  He put in some money he made from working on a special project years ago.  He has a partner that is more than matching this money.  Tens of thousands of dollars (not hundreds of thousands which are really needed to start any business) and I see the money disappearing into the air.  This is their last ditch effort after several years of planning, negotiating, talking, getting permits, etc.  My husband is not a business man, he is a scientist and a dreamer.

If it is successful he will have to travel at least three times a year and be away for weeks at a time.  I do not worry about my loneliness; although I don't like being alone that much, I am adaptable.  I worry about an old man flying in a plane for 15 hours at a time!  I worry about his wanting me to go with him on some of these trips.  I have no desire to sit in an apartment in a remote village far from my home with little to do.  A week of photography and then I want to come home.  I want to garden and be with grandchildren.  I worry about the work this house and yard need.

If it is successful he can make a little money.  We do not need a little money.  Although with inflation just around the corner and with the government blase about releasing/overseeing the controls on investment regulations, we may need that money as a cushion after all.  I keep thinking it can go towards my grandchildren's education or my son's house someday.  (Rumor has it that the market is priming for another big dip.)

As you can see, I have much ambivalence about this whole thing that has been five years in the planning and is now coming to a head.  I kept pretending it was not going anywhere, but I misjudged my husband's stubbornness, as I have most of our married life.  These are the last years of our lives together and my energizer bunny of a husband is not comfortable retiring and watching the sunset.  Therefore, he should be allowed to live his life the way he wants...but  while I have eagerly followed him all over the world in previous times, I no longer want to do that either.  Do I dare hope that it fails and that he finds working here in the community rewarding?   I must teeter on this wall for at least the length of another a year.  Are those eggshells I see on the ground below me?

Thursday Thoughts #33...Thirteen Things I Learned in March

1.  Both men and women taste the same according to cannibals.  (Equality at last!)
2.  Republican State Representative Alan Hale from Montana thinks the drunk driving laws in his state are both draconian and adversely impact small businesses.  He wants the DUI laws repealed. ( Montana roads are NOT that empty.  I wish all these idiots had a country/state all to themselves.)
3.  Children who are the happiest, are the most likely to use drugs or alcohol to excess.  Children who face at least some stress in their lives are not.  (Remember these are likely percentages...not certainties.  The study was mentioned in David Brooks recent book.)
4.  Only 10% of children are actually born on their predicted due date.
5.  Daffodils do not always increase in numbers and naturalize, at least in my yard.  :-(
6.  One community has tried to ban a child who is allergic to peanuts from their school.  They want the child home-schooled so they can feed their children peanut products in lunches.  (Really!  Is the most creative they can be in solving this problem?)
7.  In a recent interview by Bill O'Reilly, Donald Trump began to question whether Obama was actually born in this country, and O'Reilly, to his credit, indicated he thought it was a stupid argument.  (He (THE DON) will never run for president because he will actually have to turn over his finances to be managed by someone else, but he will always say outrageous stuff because he is an attention sump.)
8.  If you are short on topics for dinner conversation perhaps you might want to discuss this statistical data and its meaning for your dinner guests.
9.  Or here where I learned that Indonesia has the highest number of twitter users on the planet.
10.  Japan first tried cement on the leak and then went to shredded paper and sawdust...does this have a familiar ring to anyone?
11.  This spring I got a third grandchild and this gal had triplets.  For live camera action, go here.  The nest weighs over a ton!
12.  This is an inspiring self-publishing story.
13.  I learned this month that even good writers (those far better than I) have concerns about their abilities to write.  I try to re-read my posts a few times before putting them up.  Typos and grammatical errors still squeak through, but my over-sized ego will survive when I see the mess ups.  Fortunately, I do not have to make my living at this.

(As a post script I cannot believe that lawyers (and others) with six figure salaries and excellent health care programs cannot get their act together and solve this budget issue!  Shutting down the government is a bigger mess than most people can comprehend.  One tiny effect is that federal libraries have significant gaps in their research subscriptions proving this.  The next time that Food and Drug scientist is looking for that unique study and has to wait several weeks to get the article Faxed to the office, let's hope it wasn't about something you ate.)