Don't Think Too Far Ahead

I am probably not the most upbeat person to be around. I do love life and I do find each day an adventure, but I am one of those people who is always thinking too far ahead.

For example, when my daughter was a baby, each time I nursed her, I would think sadly about the day I would have to start weaning her. Then when she became a toddler I would get sad thinking about the day that she would head off to school and how I would miss our hours together. Then, as you can probably guess, the years in junior high for both of my children were filled with my thoughts about the empty nest when they would head out to college and their bedrooms would be filled with dusty prom trinkets and forgotten basketball photos.

I really do try hard to live in the moment. I certainly think that is the healthiest way to get the richness out of each day. Having written that though, it seems I am always hardening myself to what I am going to miss when something good comes to an end. I can remember an really odd moment during (probably) desert storm in the 1980s when I saw a handsome and healthy group of sailors at DisneyWorld on leave. They were having a wonderful time. I was sitting at a table with the family eating a hotdog and suddenly tears filled my eyes and my hotdog became a lump of clay in my throat because I thought about what they would soon be facing. I was embarrassed needless to say, and my husband tried to make light of it so that the kids wouldn't misunderstand.

I really try to be an upbeat person...I am sure that is what my family would say...

International Gifts

We have a weekend visitor from Korea. He is in charge of a marine laboratory in Korea and while visiting my husband also will be visiting relatives living nearby. As Asians always do, he brought a lovely gift and presented it with gracious charm. The box itself was first wrapped in a silver-gray scarf with writing that meant something about power (?). When I accepted the gift I was surprised at how heavy it was. It is about 2 feet by 1.5 feet in size. He carried this all the way on his trip! When I accepted the gift I am sure it weighed 15 pounds!! Inside is a very beautiful assortment of Korean sweets. Far more than my husband and I could ever eat. We will share at dinner tonight and I will also share some with my grandson who may enjoy them. Now we have to think of something nice for my husband to take on his trip back next month...

The Sweet Sadness

I am sitting alone in my room watching the first feathery light flakes of a new snow drift onto the gray shingles of the roof outside my window. In the background I can hear the sweet sad horn of Chris Botti playing on the stereo. I had been to a concert of his recently and remembered that I had not listened to his wonderful music in a long while and pulled out the three CDs I own.

Today is one of those days of strange dichotomies. I am lonely and yet savoring it. I am sad for no reason but know that this sadness can only be appreciated because my cup overflows with happiness. I feel the pace of my breath and heart slowing to a rhythmic peace in sync with this silver gray day. This sadness is bittersweet. This melancholy is the one side of the whole that keeps me from flying off into space.

I am savoring 'Empress of China" tea in a cup I had made with my daughter at a pottery place a number of years ago. It is an ugly green and purple and thus fits completely with the strange day.

I know that part of this strange feeling is the nearness of my retirement. I have told the important people at work and therefore solidified this leap. In the spring, I will be retired. No matter what angle I look at this, it is another milestone in my life. It is another major corner turned. It is like a gift that I have been given, but it is like a large beautiful bowl in which I must find beautiful things to place. There is a real danger of filling the bowl with bits of flotsam and jetsam.

This milestone also means that I have definitely moved away from those parts of living that meant so much. There is no innocence, there is no pureness, life is what it is. When the bowl is full there is no more pleasure in finding new things to place there. At the very end, there are only old memories after all. All the fresh new memories will be made by those that follow us.

It is sad, but it is also wonderfully sweet this little bit of life we have been given.

The Lost and the Losers

I think I am not going gently into that good night as I age. I was made aware of the following yesterday and today which showed I am getting old and no longer fit:

Mr. Jobs in introducing his new tools said (among other things):
…Today he had a wide range of observations on the industry, including the Amazon Kindle book reader, which he said would go nowhere largely because Americans have stopped reading.

“It doesn’t matter how good or bad the product is, the fact is that people don’t read anymore,” he said. “Forty percent of the people in the U.S. read one book or less last year. The whole conception is flawed at the top because people don’t read anymore.”

Last night as I watched television with my two college educated young relatives, I suggested watching the presidential debates and was told that they wanted to watch the two-hour episode of “The Biggest Loser” which we did. Yes, this is a pun in so many ways.

The cherry on the top is that we will be implementing a new security policy in our office where we will need to change our network password every 60 days and it must be 12 (yes 12) characters in length and use upper case, lower case, numbers and symbols. Does anyone think this will reduce security on our PCs other than me for the OBVIOUS reasons?

The Tear

It came so fast.
It was so unpredicted
In eyes that had been dry for what seemed forever.
It flowed across the hollow
And held and glistened.
All the others in the room held their breath,
Concerned and maybe even afraid.
It was as if this sudden precipice
Meant illumination or darkness,
And yet it may have determined
A presidency.

Dancing?

It has been wonderful to get outside with the little ones. Angel wiggles and tries to fly away in my arms as the warm wind caresses her face. It is the middle of January and we three dance across the crunchy leaves...I can't help but think in the very back of my mind that we are dancing at the earth's funeral.

Winter Tastebud Sharpening

Soon in the middle of the rest of this span of short gray days, the colorful catalogs will start arriving. They will be shocking in their brilliance and seduce us once again into purchasing joy for the spring season. I am writing about the seed and plant catalogs, of course. My husband will look forward to the heirloom plants and think about planting his 'half acre' of tomatoes.

Because of my Italian heritage, tomatoes have played a very important role in my dietary preferences. As you may know, if you also love tomatoes, during this time of year (actually during all but the late summer and early fall months) the stores are filled with red orbs that are labeled as tomatoes, but taste like cardboard and have the texture of mushy apples surrounded by a hard gelatenous layer. I have discovered an acceptable substitute in the grape (and sometimes) the cherry tomatoes. These grape tomatoes (the size and shape of grapes, duh) are sweeter and while not excellent, have a touch of the essence of tomato.

I got a Nigella Lawson cookbook for Christmas from my daughter, (Yes she is that lovely and voluptuous--stop drooling guys-- and a wonderful chef as well.) and we decided to check out the tomato recipes and found this recipe below. I have to paraphrase since I left the book at my daughter house.


Preheat oven to 450 degrees. (232.2222222 degree Celsius)
Slice tomatoes (as many as you want) (large tomatoes need more chopping)
Set in large baking pan or dish and drizzle olive oil over all
Chop an herb (basil, oregano or the recipe called for thyme)
Sprinkle herb, kosher salt and a tiny bit of sugar over all. (you can also add pepper to taste)
Pop in the oven and turn the oven off
Leave in for about 12 hours.
Enjoy in so many ways--spread on toast, in salad or eat them like popcorn as I do.



The flavor or the tomato is very concentrated yet they are still a little juicy and less chewy unlike the dried tomato. The recipe allows use of regular tomatoes, but I think that cherry or grape are the best even though slicing them in half takes a little time. If you crave that tomato taste in the winter, as I do, I think you will like this. Let me know what you think if you try it.

PS--While these can be stored in the refrigerator...they must reach room temperature or be gently heated for best flavor.

2008

The Day Before Christmas

My birthday was the 21st and I went out to dinner with my family and that is where I think I caught this awful head cold. I spent the better part of the dinner wiping Xman's runny nose. In spite of this, he was on his best behavior and the dinner went very nicely and my fish dish was excellent. We ordered a chocolate waffle for dessert and almost couldn't finish it.

Last night the geese held one of their all night parties...due to the warm weather being brought up from the South I am guessing. They laughed and chatted and sang (honking with Christmas joy) until about 3:00. I got up to see what had silenced them and the moon was at its brightest and most lovely, casting strong shadows throughout the forest. It was almost as if daylight had begun!

I drifted back to sleep and in the early morning I set up one of my birthday gifts (a tripod) and went out on the deck and caught this photo of the late revelers heading out in an ever so dignified swim to the main part of the river just as the sun was peeking over the branches of the naked trees.

I am off now to finish the sticky buns for Christmas breakfast. We will have only my son this day as daughter is off to the in-laws for the holidays. My husband and I will be most mellow, but I am afraid that son will be bored to tears without his niece and nephew as buffers in the conversation. It will probably be like a Ben Stiller movie and I do hate those.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday and that your expectations are so small that they all come true.

Dangerous Love

There are those women (girls) that fall head-long into love as if it was an endless pillow of cotton candy. They jump in arms wide and mouth open. Even as they see they are sinking to a dangerous point of no return, they do not regret the loss of control and they continue that sweet roll. Not this chickie-poo. While it was intense when I fell in love in my youth, I still had my feet touching the ground and my head was reasonably clear. I sometimes wish I had been the free spirit, free falling type of woman. The lady with the laugh in her eyes and the never-look-back attitude. But, I think that while my passion was not as abandoned neither was my pain as endless.

I have always been able to do two things at one time and while I was studying that sparkle in his eyes and the softness of his lips, I also kept track of exactly where I was standing in this dance. Girls who remain in control of themselves are not as sexy. They also make clear early in the relationship that they have expectations and we all know that men do not like expectations. Most men remain little boys all of their lives. There are a few grown-ups in the XY line, but they are as hard to live with as us females. I do not regret that I was careful in my approach to life, but I do sometimes wish I could have led that other life in another dimension without all its painful consequences...those which would be manifesting themselves in twinging ways as I reach the age I am now.

Yet once again as I age, I have learned something about myself. Everyone has their price. I have fallen head-long in love with the two little humans above. I have jumped in arms wide and mouth open. None of my feelings are being reserved for logical thinking. I know that the pain will be devastating when I am thrown aside for their other loves. The rejection will require numbing medicine and lots of staring into space. But this love is an overpowering, potent,inescapable passion. And I am going along for the ride for as long as it lasts.

Tagged by Maya

I like some memes and others are not as interesting. I have been tagged by Maya whose blog I read regularly, so I will play.

The Rules are as follows:
* Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
* Share 7 random and or weird things about yourself.

(Being as this is a gray and cold day at Taborland, my meme responses below are a little moody...sorry.)

1. Anyone who met me would say I am a social butterfly, but I love being alone for long periods of time---days even.
2. Like Maya I loved reading science fiction as a young girl (Bradbury, Heinlin, Orwell, etc.) and to this day I am a big Star Trek fan. This is weird because if you met me you would never guess.
3. I never forget and sometimes never forgive. (I am working on it.)
4. I wish I could wear high heels --- for a few hours at least. Even as a feminist, I like the way they make my feet and legs look.
5. I wish I had the courage to stop dying my hair, but my artistic side can't stand how it will look all heathered gray.
6. I pierced my own ears when I lived overseas in myu 20's and now one of the holes is too large and I hate that, but am too lazy to do anything about it.
7. I let people get under my skin, which is a reflection of immaturity on my part. I don't think I will ever improve as I have started the 60's decade of my life and still let this happen.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.

Tag--your it!!

Peruby
Grrlscientist
Mary FFF
Manababies
Hoss
Daily Warrior
Val

4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Now I will venture out and let them know.

Gender Motivation a Postscript

I have been mulling...and like a spiced wine, I am just a little bitter. I think I am attracted more to uniqueness because when I got old I realized (or at least THOUGHT) I would never again have any kind of power. Why try to pursue power and strength? It sounds like a race or a battle and I am not in any nature for that.

The older people I know who have power are pretty demanding and even manipulative. Many use guilt to hang on to this power. Therefore, I am being very female and attracted to 'uniqueness.' Uniqueness means I am closer to being the real me. The inner me, that maybe I don't even know.

My goal in the immediate (and perhaps distant) future is to find and nurture what is unique about me. This is going to be much harder than obtaining power! I don't even know where to begin. There must be some process. Making a list? Making a wish list? Meditating? Going on a fast? How DOES one find one's uniqueness to nourish?

Gender Motivation

I was doing a lot of driving yesterday and I was listening to my favorite radio channel (NPR). Helping me pass time in traffic was an interview with Judith Thurman about her new book "Cleopatra's Nose." Ms. Thurman's book is a collection of her essays in the New Yorker over the past 20 years. When asked by program host, Bob Edwards, about any insights she gained while reviewing the past 20 years of her work, she said that she discovered an interesting difference in the motivation of men versus women. She found that men are in pursuit of doing something important with their lives while women want to be seen as unique in what they do. This sounds quite true to me.

Allow me to gender generalize. Men want to be responsible for change, for completion of large projects, for being know as leading powerful directions in their professions. Women want to be seen as unique --- from other women in particular (since most cultures see them as women first and skilled or talented human beings second) as well as unique from both genders. We want to be special in some way by those we work with or those who love us. Most of us pursue this uniqueness in a good way. Of course, some women want uniqueness in their sexuality or beauty that makes them stand apart from other women---personally, I think that society has short circuited their minds from seeing the big picture.

Anyway, this concept makes sense as women, who were commodities and not human beings, needed to survive in the ancient days and their uniqueness was the only way they they could stand apart from all others. They did not have power or money to be a mover or changer and therefore, being unique was the key in many ways. Scheherazade comes to mind here. Remember her? That skill is still used by many mother's surviving endless days with sick toddlers

Grandma was remembered for her unique recipes or unique quilts. Mother was remembered for her unique birthday parties or landscaping. Today those skills can be translated in the workplace, but not yet to unique leadership skills. Hillary Clinton comes to mind here. She is unique in that she does what men have been doing for years. Her uniqueness is more of a threat to insecure woman and of course small-minded men.

Which is better. To want to do something important or to be unique?

Filling the Vacuum

There is a vacuity in my brain as I seem to learn many new things each day.

1. If you eat pomegranate at your desk at work your monitor screen looks as though you put a tiny slit in your throat by the time you have finished and red drops are sprayed everywhere else.

2. If you spill the peppercorns at home the two-year-old insists on helping with the vacuum and this can take a long, long, …very long time.

3. Even though as an adult with adult children you finally get to design an adult Christmas tree with all color-coordinated ornaments a la Martha Stewart, you must remember to purchase some that are unbreakable for little children to hang.

4. Three-month-old babies are perfectly capable of throwing nasty temper tantrums.

5. This generation of working mothers is phenomenal. Breast pump at 5:00 AM, out the door at 5:30 AM to help with Habitat for Humanity for your company, and then into the office at 10:00 AM!

6. This generation of working fathers is phenomenal. Flying in from St. Louis at 6::00 PM and heading directly to the office until midnight and then home and up at 6:00 AM to feed and clothe two little ones and get them off to day care and pre-school!

7. If you do some Christmas ornament shopping before Thanksgiving…World News Tonight will shove a camera in your face with the threat of showing the world how crappy you look when you shop on the weekends. I never saw myself on the TV…thank goodness…but the season is not yet over.

8. And finally, these do taste and look different when made according the recipes on each can.

Pre-Thanksgiving Thursday Thoughts

1) This is my favorite holiday because except for those watching their weight, it is a holiday that is non-exclusive to ones views---especially on politics or religion. Everyone seems to agree that we need to take the time off and be thankful for something. I am truly thankful.

2) I get to hostess the big feed at my house this year and that makes me feel warm and cozy all over. I know there will be years in the future where it will just be hubby and I and other years when cooking will not be possible for any number of reasons. I am truly thankful.

3) No unusual recipes will be tried. We are going traditional all the way (except for one small dish.) I am truly thankful.

a. (H’orderves: toast tips with salmon spread, grilled oysters on the half-shell, carrot sticks and dip.)
b. Roast turkey
c. Cranberry relish (which no one ever eats…but it IS a tradition)
d. Herb/sausage stuffing (wet and dry)
e. Garlic mashed potatoes
f. Sweet potato casserole
g. Green bean onion casserole
h. Spring greens salad
i. Pumpkin pie with whipped cream
j. Key lime pie
k. (I haven’t decided yet whether to have rolls…hate to have too few carbs at a feast such as this.)

4) Daughter is bringing a special Italian Barolo for just her and I to share. I am truly thankful.

5) My son did not respond to my email over a week ago asking if he was coming. So typical of him. I hope he does show up but he is a moody one. I am truly thankful that I at least have him in my life when he deems possible.

6) My favorite dish at Thanksgiving is my homemade stuffing although pumpkin pie with whipped cream runs a close second. Whoa, am I thankful!!

7) The long weekend will mean I have time to convert all those calories to fat and read all my favorite blogs. Am I thankful or what?

The Grass is Always Greener Life Story #12

A common disease among young mother's is brain meltdown. This disease manifests itself in many ways and has several symptoms. Some of the more common aberrations include inability to concentrate for more than 30 seconds on any one thought, using one's nose and sense of smell to determine all future actions from changing clothes to selecting food from the fridge, accepting spitup as an accessory for your wardrobe, and adapting to constant noise as the norm, thereby becoming jittery when there is no noise.

A great strength is the ability of young mother's to adapt to this disease. Your brain is melting and so you accept the fact that while you can still do two and even three things at one time, you often cannot put simple sentences together. While you can repair the most complicated train-track layout and successfully install teeny tiny batteries into even smaller places, you cannot remember where you placed your car keys or why you just ran upstairs leaving both small wonders to their own devices.

Ninety-nine percent of mothers live through the disease which can last for several years even. Society does not talk about the other 1%. Usually you know you are over the disease when you sit looking at your bare toes one day and have the urge to paint them; or you look in the mirror one morning and, in heart-attack horror, think you see your mother; or you walk back into a very quiet house and realize it is quiet because you are the only one there.

Thus, in a moment of idiocy, you feel you must start volunteering or go to work to pay those mounting bills. The house is too quiet and the hushing silence is getting on your nerves. It is too clean and you begin to think you are turning into Heloise.

Doing adult activities with other adults outside of the house begins to look inviting if not downright exotic, especially as it requires new clothes. (You have forgotten the Benjamin Franklin aphorism you learned in school: "Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.")

Mmmm..! Black nylons and a short skirt and cute high heels and a new haircut and you look almost sexy...wait isn't that what exposed you to the former disease in the first place? You push that thought to the back of your mind and put on make-up and nice pearl earrings and feel oh so grownup once again. Your brain even seems to be humming like a fancy sports car motor.

You get into the car with your new leather purse and head out to office that in its wisdom saw your intelligence and creativity and hired you. You pull into rush hour traffic and feel more grown-up than you have felt in years. You look into each car and wonder if the drivers notice how you are now one of them. You are part of that busy bustling machine that makes the world go round. This glow lasts several weeks and maybe even into the months or years if you like the job or volunteer work that you are doing.

Unfortunately, you will catch a new disease down the road. This disease is like a leaky gasket that pulls the energy from every pore of your body. Getting out of bed and into a car to fight the headache of traffic becomes a monotonous chore. That neat gray suit is starting to hang funny, especially across your butt. All of those people at the office that admired your creativity and energy have changed their tune and seem to feel you are way too energetic and too creative and are actually making them look bad. Just because you are young and cute doesn't give you the right to outdo them. They were there for years working their asses off while you sat at home and played with babies. They won't say that, but they do think it. And then the worst happens with this new disease...you become one of them! Every idea you get is echoed with "been there, done that.' You find the new young staff so annoying and so cliched and so very naive.

You begin to count the days when you can sit home in a quiet house with the hushing noise and the "Heloise" kitchen and the grandchild baby for playtime.

Memories -- long ago

I am having a number of deja vu moments as a grandmother living with my daughter. I am so happy for this experience, because we forget (I forget) so much of my past life as I plow through my current life of deadlines, dinner and diaper changing.

I had forgotten how rejecting my little girl was of her father in her early months due to my nursing. She wouldn't go to anyone at all because I was the sole source of sustenance. I would thrust her into her daddy's arms and tell him to just cope, because I had to start dinner! I knew she was fed and dry and I wanted some time without someone in my arms, so her crying didn't bother me all that much. But, it totally stressed our Daddy-o. He was that blue-eyed guy that was NOT used to being rejected.

Babies have excellent survival instincts. My daughter is also nursing her little gal and now at three months, Angel is rejecting all of us at most times. She will billow and coo until she realizes that she is not in her mother's arms and then her agony cannot be assuaged. I can calm her intermittently but I think that is because my voice and face remind her a little of mom and that confuses her enough to calm her for a few minutes.

I can already tell her personality is different from her brother's at this early age. She is very much a clinging girl. She likes to bury her face under my arm with her pacifier trying to shut out the world. She will nurse, pull off her mother's breast and then thrust her small face under Mom's arm and hide until she falls asleep. She also uses food to calm her every moment. Definately a 'food soothes' everything kid. She will probably have a weight problem growing up.

It is fun seeing the small parts of Angel that emerge each day. I have no time for myself at the end of the day as the result of living here, but this is a small sacrifice to be part of the lives of these very special people.

Design on a Crime (ouch)

The Scene: A basement family room.
The big screen TV sits firmly in the far corner, and the toddler’s toys are scattered from the side room well into the family room. The fairly new sectional in “Real Simple” gray blue style sits invitingly along part of one wall with a large matching soft cushion ottoman in front for plenty of foot resting.

Both toddler and baby are miraculously calm at the same time.

The Daughter and her Mother tentatively smooth the anticipation of actually participating in a conversation.

Daughter: “Mom look at this ottoman.”
Mother leans forward and sees a series of small brown dots. “What is it?”

Daughter: “Blood. From Dad working in the yard! Look over here on the seat!”

Mother leans to the side and sees a larger smudge that actually looks like blood, and she remembers why years ago she bought chocolate brown sofas for her family room.

Mother: “Oh,dear…Well you could let Xman crawl around when he skins his knees and thereby get a little modern matching pattern going on the fabric.”

Daughter, looking long and hard at mother. “Or I could just slit my wrists and let blood drip everywhere!”

Thursday Thoughts # 8 – Things I Knew and Others Have Recently Learned

• Little babies in Florida can still get a nasty sunburn when placed in a car seat under an umbrella on a heavily overcast day for several hours. In spite of peeling skin, they still remain cuter than anything you have seen all day.
• Even if flights are delayed, baggage misplaced, and traffic is horrendous due to drenching rain, the metal pole in the garage will not be the item that bends when you hit it with the car while backing out and moaning how late you will be to work.
• Fall rainy days invite that first cozy fireplace fire, but artificial logs do not give off much smoke and you will be well into sootsville and ceiling smoke hanging like a low cloud when you realize that you have closed—not opened—the damper on the fireplace in your newly purchased house. Trying to carry half the artificial log out with a shovel only increases the probability of disaster.
• Soot on the newly painted fireplace mantel doesn’t really look as romantically antique as it should.
• Dumping the smoldering half log on the driveway in the pouring rain means you will have wonderful gray mush that little boys can walk through and eventually bring back into the house.
• Husbands are a little clueless when it comes to putting on Halloween costumes so, do not be surprised if your little guy goes out with his Lightning McQueen costume on backwards!
• Direct TV is a lousy company. Their website says: “We Do the Work, You Watch TV. DIRECTV provides free professional installation free, service and maintenance and a 100% satisfaction guarantee. You can't get that with your cable TV company or other satellite TV companies. The proof is in the pudding!” The proof is they send you not once but twice a defective HD-DVR box. They speedily (3 days delay) send out the third box and they expect you to install it yourself. They also expect you to swallow the loss of hours of programming of your favorite series that still reside on the old box. This is a big deal only because the kids paid so much for the stupid service.
• If you ask grandpas to help with garage clean-up you must realize that it will be natural for bull-in-a-china-shop type of activities to transpire. The garage door opener will cease to work and you must wait for grandma to get home and figure it out.

Life on the Planet

I enjoyed my time in Williamsburg mostly because there was no agenda. The first two days my hubby and I just goofed off, enjoying not having any kind of schedule. We slept late and then went to bed late. When my daughter joined us with the littlest one several days later, the pace slowed down even more due to stopping for diaper changes and feedings.

Then the very next week daughter and her family headed to Orlando for time with the in-laws and some last minute Florida sun--the condo was paid for, so why not? Hubby headed down to the house and this left me with a week of time alone at my daughter's house between working. I did receive a call two days in from my daughter with the reminder to not set the alarm on the day the housekeeper worked, water the mums each day, take the garbage to the curb on Tuesday morning, pick up the mail and make sure the bags and boxes in the garage were also taken to the curb. (Just a few directives! I kind of felt a deja view like the roles had been reversed.)

But for the most part I was all alone, eating what I wanted when I wanted, watching what I wanted when I wanted...sort of a third dimension experience. I was totally laid back and not quite prepared for the re-entry,

Friday here was drenching rains and this weather made my normal 30 minute commute drag out to an hour and a half. Daughter and son-in-law returned with kids late on Friday. Two hours delayed due to the rains