I am trying to wrap my mind around aging and the march towards endings. Then this contrasts so much with my recent (number 4) grandchild's arrival and all the wonderful beginnings of life. (The first for this particular set of parents.) I have teenage grandchildren and when they arrived there was so much more energy to share on my part!
I am still wearing a mask indoors in public as this is the price I feel I should pay to be able to hold my new granddaughter on Tuesday. (My husband and I were the only ones masked at our recent in-person gardener's meeting.) I also updated my DTAP shots the same day I got my second COVID booster and while the medical experts said I could certainly do both, that knocked me for a loop for at least two days. When you have not been sick in years, a mild reaction to shots can be an awakening.
I have only seen this new gal in her mother's arms in the NICU and she was so tiny and quiet back then. Now she has been home for almost three weeks and parents are slowly descending from cloud 9 to that period where you sit exhausted between chores, errands, feedings, and changings and wonder if you will survive. They are in their 40's, so "survival" is a bit larger challenge.
I find that night-time thoughts go to dark places and I really must work on meditation or unwinding or more artwork to displace this. Thoughts about things I said or did years ago that were unkind, thoughts about my carelessness with life, thoughts about all the dangers my loved ones will encounter as they move forward in their lives. I worry about the medical challenges many of my friends are facing. I do not think this mind wandering is due to COVID or Wars or even aging chemistry because I remember when my own little ones were growing I kept being sad about when they would move into adulthood and leave. Yes, a bit of an odd duck am I. It is just the way my brain is wired. Be thankful you have balanced electricity in that gray matter up there. Crossed wires can be exhausting.
Do not worry for me. I am strong and realize I have no control over the universe, even though I think I could face that challenge. I feel I could do a bit of a better job at it...much less suffering, please!
Now I am going to go downstairs and run on the elliptical. I have not done that in almost nine days. LAZY ME!