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I am trying to wrap my mind around aging and the march towards endings. Then this contrasts so much with my recent (number 4) grandchild's arrival and all the wonderful beginnings of life. (The first for this particular set of parents.) I have teenage grandchildren and when they arrived there was so much more energy to share on my part!
I am still wearing a mask indoors in public as this is the price I feel I should pay to be able to hold my new granddaughter on Tuesday. (My husband and I were the only ones masked at our recent in-person gardener's meeting.) I also updated my DTAP shots the same day I got my second COVID booster and while the medical experts said I could certainly do both, that knocked me for a loop for at least two days. When you have not been sick in years, a mild reaction to shots can be an awakening.
I have only seen this new gal in her mother's arms in the NICU and she was so tiny and quiet back then. Now she has been home for almost three weeks and parents are slowly descending from cloud 9 to that period where you sit exhausted between chores, errands, feedings, and changings and wonder if you will survive. They are in their 40's, so "survival" is a bit larger challenge.
I find that night-time thoughts go to dark places and I really must work on meditation or unwinding or more artwork to displace this. Thoughts about things I said or did years ago that were unkind, thoughts about my carelessness with life, thoughts about all the dangers my loved ones will encounter as they move forward in their lives. I worry about the medical challenges many of my friends are facing. I do not think this mind wandering is due to COVID or Wars or even aging chemistry because I remember when my own little ones were growing I kept being sad about when they would move into adulthood and leave. Yes, a bit of an odd duck am I. It is just the way my brain is wired. Be thankful you have balanced electricity in that gray matter up there. Crossed wires can be exhausting.
Do not worry for me. I am strong and realize I have no control over the universe, even though I think I could face that challenge. I feel I could do a bit of a better job at it...much less suffering, please!
Now I am going to go downstairs and run on the elliptical. I have not done that in almost nine days. LAZY ME!
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ReplyDeleteTHe march is on, but we are still marching.
ReplyDeleteI hear you, I go through the same process mentally and physically. I'm older than you so I've gone through this before, and I know you will be just fine. Part of life's journey. And congrats on that new grandbaby! :-)
ReplyDeleteConfirmation it isn't just me. You are strong.
ReplyDeleteA dedicated moment to meditate, pray, candles, aromas, sounds and such is a must, I feel, in old age in order to balance pestering negative memories and worries. Some folks put that moment in a glass without setting an atmosphere. I prefer to be the focus fresh and clear.
I think I have little blood left in my veins, they are so full of vaccines, from Covid to flu to shingles to who-knows-what-else. But it's all worth it to spend time with the grandchildren.
ReplyDeleteLovely flowers.
ReplyDeleteWell, Tabor, we still wear our masks too... inside in public places and even outside due to the pollen. And yes, night thoughts tend to be dark... and I find that by reading until I fall asleep keeps my mind occupied away from worrying (most of the time this works). And I tell myself that the mind is full of thoughts, but they're only thoughts, not truths...
ReplyDeleteI like that, Rian. Only thoughts, not truths.
DeleteI like Rian's comment - only thoughts, not truths. It must be an age thing, you put into words exactly what I think sometimes and then I push against those thoughts hard until they go away. Congratulations on your little grandchild, such a joy.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely need to regularly set aside time to nourish your artistic self for your own health's sake. Worrisome thoughts when you're waiting for sleep doesn't seem the best if you could direct your mind to more pleasant ones -- recalling some of the lovely scenes you photographed, or flowers. I know, easy for me to say. How delightful to have a new little one in the family though can appreciate coping with an infant if I were age 40 or up (I was 37 when my last child was born) could be wearing. I, too, continue masking regardless of what others may or may not be doing. The better part of wisdom for me, I think, so think you are wise, too.
ReplyDeleteWhen those night time thoughts try and keep me awake I visualize a hall with doors on each side and I grab that useless going over past errors and slights (given or received) by the arm and frog march it right back to its room, shove it in and lock the door. It works pretty well. Mulling over how much time is left and how well we will be towards the end comes to us all at some point I think. At this point in my life and just try to enjoy every day whether I'm active or being lazy. It's important to stay active though and I need to get back to my regular yoga routine. Definitely indulge yourself especially with your creative efforts. It helps keep the mind young.
ReplyDeleteReally do need you as my neighbor!!
DeleteMemories flood in of course and sometimes we are overwhelmed, often by sorrow but it also shows a well lived life. I also shove the dark memories elsewhere but they still mutter in the background. Your garden and photos are beautiful concentrate on that, be joyful in what you have.
ReplyDeleteFantastic blog, I really liked it. Greetings from the north of Spain.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on new grand baby. Sorry to hear you suffer from brain overload or maybe its depression. Try yoga, meditation concentrate on your breathing
ReplyDeleteI totally understand since I go through the same feelings. Good for you continuing your exercise. I have not been as good as you.
ReplyDeleteI also go to the dark places. I think it's a combination of my natural self, Covid and aging. We wear our masks inside when we go out, we are generally the only ones. Congratulations on the new grand baby. I will never have one of those, but there is a grand dog.
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