An update

For those of you who are asking, we are making it down that healing trail and slowly returning to normalcy. The horror of having the back part of six vertebrae removed is being replaced with that healing sensation of itching along the 6 inch incision and the ability to shower by one's self.

I am slowly attempting a reduction in drug use and he seems to be handling it. Although he is still sleeping a LOT! But like the energizer bunny he is, when he is up, he is going strong.

Today I start to pack books from all of our book shelves as that first prep in our move which comes in July. I am getting so good at this... This is in addition to the dozens of boxes of books we have packed in the basement. Books are the one thing I will not part with!

Who Are the People in Your Neighborhood?

We currently rent a small house just off a very busy intersection and a few blocks from a huge magnet school. (A 'magnet" school is a school that is placed in a poor neighborhood and offers a very specialized science, math, arts or other program to attract students from other parts of the city, and theoretically to officer a better education to inner city kids...I don't think it works, but that is another blog.)

I took my husband for a walk near a lake and on the way back drove into the nearby gas station to get some gas. About 40 students were congregated near the bus stop on the corner. They were about 70% black, 25% Latino, and 5% white from my quick survey. Everyone was dressed in large hanging black clothes, as if they belonged to the same private school or club. They all looked in their early teens. They were loud, active and truly enjoying the beginning of spring and those flowing hormones. I proceeded to fill up my car.

Suddenly 5 or six of the black boys ran through the gas station, laughing and looking back. Some of the other kids called out to them. There was no aura of danger or anger...just noisy kids. Then a police car came around the corner and drove into the gas station and parked just in front of my car. Another large police officer appeared from the bus station corner walking behind the kids with a flak jacket on. The kids were like a large anemone...they instantly shrunk into little black mounds and watched quietly for their bus.

I finished getting gas, and squeezed past the police car and out onto the busy road. As I turned the corner past where the bus stop was, I had to make a wide right turn as three more police cars were parked with lights flashing in that lane of the busy street.

I couldn't see anything happening or even any police talking to the kids. I am guessing that it was gang related and that the police are on alert that time of the day in the spring...who knows. I have always lived in a middle-class white neighborhood (except for when I lived in various countries overseas) and so I am totally ignorant of this stuff! I do know that my son who is a BIG 26-year-old guy, never goes to the fast food places past this bus stop between 3:00 and 4:00 in the afternoon because of all the kids hanging out after school.

I was never afraid during this incident...just curious. They look like nice normal kids to me. But, maybe they have issues.

This is the beauty on my kitchen table this morning in the sunshine. It is so voluptuous that it should probalby be wearing a veil.

This was a photo I took on an early spring hike in the Virginia mountains last year. It is still inviting, isn't it?

Something to pass the time and tell me about yourself.

OK--cut and past and email me some of your answers.

My 10 Cups of Blogging Espresso Meme (with my answers):

1. What is your favorite food…money no object?

French chocolate truffles

2. Speaking of money, what do you think is a comfortable monthly salary?

$4,000

3. How old were you at your first clear memory?

13 months, I remember learning to walk.

4. What is your greatest fear?

That I or someone I love could die in pain.

5. How old were you when you first fell in love?

Ten

6. Do you think life is worth it and why or why not?

What’s the alternative?

7. What is your favorite creative activity?

Photography

8. What is your favorite thinking activity?

Reading non-fiction

9. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

Italy

10. Are you happiest when with people or alone?

With people but only for a while.

What's a Four Letter Word to Alleviate Pain?

I haven't posted to the Weekly Wino in some time. What with hubby on strong meds I guess only one of us can safely feel no pain at this time. Maybe I should change the name to Weakly Wino. What do you think?

I have been spending lots of time upstairs sitting or laying in bed next to hubby. He is doing very well, but since he has the personality and energy level of the Energizer Bunny, I can see that he is not anywhere near his usual self yet. He moves stiffly and if he sits up for more than 10 or fifteen minutes the pain starts to increase. Yet he will walk around the room for 10 minutes at a time when he can.

Friends and co-workers have sent flowers and plants and they are now taking up so much space, my son knocked one of them over yesterday. The flowers really boost hubby's spirits though.

Talking him into his second shower this morning took some effort. He is so frustrated in that the pain medication and the tranquilizer cut down on muscle spasms. When I asked him how he was feeling yesterday, he joked, "Just great...I can't swallow, I can't pee and I can't shit. Other than that I am fine." He doesn't swear, so I knew the drugs were working.

I am trying to keep busy doing short projects around the hosue so that I can keep checking on him. I don't want him moving around unless I am there to keep an eye on his progress. These drugs are really strong.

I am calling the doctor tomorrow on what we can do this coming week to get him up and going. I cannot believe that he is planning a business trip to Hawaii in a month!

Actually Taking it One Day at a Time

Hubby came home within 36 hours! They gave him the option of staying on one more day and he immediately said he wanted to get back to his bed at home. Of course! They cut the back of the bone away from 6 vertebrae. It is amazing to me that your neck can still hold your head up after a surgery like that...but it does!

He is on lots of drugs but in very good spirits. I spend most of my time running up and downstairs with food, news, etc. He got his first shower today...that was fun. He was actually trying to be modest while I washed him. This is so strange since the first five years or so of our married life we showered together!

Well, I am so lucky that my boss at work has totally supported this time off, once again. Unfortunately, my mom had a small stroke yesterday and now they have moved her to a hospital bed with a catheter. If spring wasn't just around the corner I would feel very old.

Here is another photo just beside the Koi pond. It was later in spring.

This was my back yard at my old house. I had some great roses to cut every year.

Hanging in Until the Last Round

I am not exactly an optimist. I am more of a tenacious fighter who hangs on no matter what happens. I refuse to lose. Months before the 9/11 tragedy, one of my younger sisters emailed me that she had skin cancer. They couldn't find the original mole but it had moved into her lymph glands in her legs. This bad news was followed by the attacks in New York.

That winter I began having back problems. It seemed that some days I was in so much pain, I didn't want to get out of bed. I began to understand what depression truly was and felt myself spiraling downward.

All of this happening over just a few months began to wear on me, but I got angry. I went out to visit my sister and tried to send her optimistic thoughts and also started an intense exercise program to get my back in shape. I was told that I had just a touch of arthritis and there was nothing that could be done. Well, my back returned to much less pain but my sister died that summer.

We sold our house the following spring and it was a very traumatic time as the buyer was a smart real estate woman who kept claiming more and more from us until finally we had to go to a lawyer to get the whole thing to stop. She got the house and we got peace of mind--for a while.

We moved into a rental house that flooded three times that summer---the wettest in history on the East Coast. After much midnight mopping and the loss of some of our "worldly" possessions, we broke the lease and moved once again into another little house. Things calmed down... for a while.

This past fall my mother got ill and this winter, as you readers know, she began to die. Upon my return from putting her in hospice we learned that my husband had stenosis of the spine and needed surgery on four of his vertebrae. The surgery is this morning.

Our landlady cannot renew our lease, and so, in four months we have to find a new temporary place to live incurring all the costs and time of packing and moving once again! Probably buying a condo with our son and absorbing all the costs that entails...working longer and not being able to retire as early.

Last night as I lay in bed, I began to think of all these stresses. It seems my life had been so calm and normal before. Maybe this is now normal life and I lived in some pathetic dream time before. I don't know, but I am still fighting. Only now I am getting a little tired.

Passing the time

Surgery on hubby's neck is tomorrow at 11:45. He is nervous since he has never been in a hospital for any type of surgery and he knows enough anatomy to drive himself nuts. He took an hour walk before dinner because he just couldn't sit still.

Right now after dinner he is walking to the supermarket to buy stuff--one of which is Dial soap which they say he needs to use when he showers since it leave the least residue.

This is going to be a rough night.!

The Blogging Neighborhood

I have been surfing blogs and routinely stumble on ones that I like to read and/or find something in common with and post a comment to them. Surfing blogs is like taking a walk in a field outside the city. You come across all kinds of stuff. Gum wrappers, dog droppings, pages of advertisement from a magazine and then every once in a while you find a lovely page from someone's diary or a photograph of a thousand words or a lovely piece of jewelry or an extremely strange and exotic plant.

I find myself attracted to boomer bloggers because I have something in common with the history of their life. But I also find that I am attracted to the young married guitar player, the five brothers who work in geekdom, the young owl, mom's with babies and teenagers...all of which keep me linked to the people in my real life that I love.

Then, because I have traveled so much in my life I am always intrigued by those who live around the world and are able to blog in English...so that I can maybe show that Americans are indeed more complex than the sum of their parts.

Blogging is certainly going to change the world in so many ways. Some which will be surveyed and measured...but I think there are going to be many private stories of change that will never get recorded.

Anyway, I need to start thinking about changing the links on my blogsite to add some of the other blogs I visit regularly. Just think, each of us will create our own electronic neighborhood. The good thing is that we won't have to put up with crabby old lady next door or those drunken newlyweds that fight all the time. We can design our neighborhood exactly the way we want to.

My Datsun Sportscar

During the summer that I was taking one last class before getting my teaching degree in Colorado, I went to the car dealership with my Dad and bought a car. Since I didn't have any money, I got that American right of passage called a car loan.

The red Datsun in the previous picture was the car I bought. I thought that summer that my dates should increase exponentially---just like guys do. (I really must have looked good in that car.) But my date situation was just as stale as all the prior months. Go figure.

This, by the way, was the only car I have ever bought on time. I learned well from my parents and every other car that I have purchased in my lifetime I have paid in cash. Now that I have that habit, making a car payment would make me very ill.

My first car.

The Numbers Game.

According to Andrew Tobias " 111,111,111 times 111,111,111 equals 12345678987654321"...Don't ask my why I find this so interesting on an early Tuesday morning.

A really easy salad to make.

Baby Showers

I am off this afternoon with my sweet little girl to her baby shower. None of my side of the family will be there since they live so far away...but that's OK as she has tons of friends...should be a good group of people.

I am bringing the crib quilt which I finished. (Her father and I got her a very nice glider rocker and ottaman already.) I also am supposed to bring "something for the Baby Wishing Well." I asked at work what the heck this was and no one in my generation seemed to have a clue. Is it money, savings bonds?? I have wrapped a small picture frame and a CD of lullabies.

I also made a nice little platter of pears and cheese for the luncheon.

The Megapode Bird

(Link to a website is in the post title) This fellow weighs a little less than a pound and is not a beautiful bird to look at. He/she looks like a brown ugly chicken. He is VERY VERY shy and although we lived there for years I only caught shadowy glimpses of them. If I remember correctly, their sound is that of a very cautious chicken clucking a warning. I would try to follow that sound as I crossed one of the islands. Because they were so hard to observe, I was always fascinated with them.

They have heavy thick legs which they use to build nests on the ground. These nest are quite large and if you come on one, it looks like a pile of compost in the middle of the island. Thus the strong legs. The chicks don't have an 'egg-tooth' and use the strong legs to kick out of the shell. The heat from the next is what allows the eggs to incubate and then hatch. Thus, sometimes they are called the incubator bird.

Since their nests are at ground level, they are subject to all kinds of predation and exposure. Therefore, they are really endangered. When I lived there, which was decades ago, their habitat was under pressure. I hate to think what has happened over the years and now with this television show... Maybe when I retire I can do some kind of volunteer effort to help the cause of protecting them.

Conveniences of Modern Life

As commented, electricity and running water are 'givens' in this civilized world of ours. I remember coming back from living in Palau (as well as another overseas place) and facing the loss of electricity after a snowstorm or a hurricane or whatevaaa. My neighbor who lived in a lovely LARGE colonial house on the hill behind us would call within minutes of finding herself without one of the 'givens.'

"Do you have electricity?"
"How long have you been without electricity?"
"Did you call the utility company?"
"When do you think we will get it back?"

I can remember thinking that there are people who live without electricity for much longer than 30 minutes or three days or whatever crisis hits the U.S. I remember thinking what spoiled brats Americans are...what failures at coping. What a little princess I have living next door. She really needed to be in a condo in the city, but she and her children wanted to go to a certain school and she had to live in a large house surrounded by acres filled with such scary things as deer, fox, ground hogs, etc.

Since my hubby and I loved camping it took us no time to get the fireplace going for warmth or cooking and a lantern or candles for light or brushing our teeth on the back deck since our septic pump didn't work and then we went back to what we were doing.

I will admit that now that I have lived with the 'givens' for a couple of decades, the hurricane two years ago that left us without power for 5 days, WAS a challenge. But it was mostly the challenge of having to wait to get stuff. Long lines and traffic problems without lights.

For my owl friend I will blog next about megapode...not a a parrot but cool none-the-less.

This came from the Palau Visitors Bureau...credit to Kevin Daviso

Pacific Island Memories

My husband and I made a special point of watching the first edition of the new "Survivor" series on TV last week. We are not Survivor fans, (the show sometimes reminds me of all the pain I went through in Junior High School.)

But, this season we made a special point to watch because we had lived in Palau for about seven years back in the late 60's early 70's. The beach where they brought the new survivors was a beach that my daughter had run naked on for many an afternoon...of course she was only two at the time. It is a lovely long beach and we would dig for small clams for soup before we headed home. It was an easy beach to swim or snorkel from as well.

There are many beaches of all shapes and sizes on the islands and if we saw a boat at a beach that we were heading for (on a very rare day), we just turned and went somewhere else. As newlyweds my husband and I could camp overnight and spend most of the day naked on the island. Yep, it was idyllic. Of course, back at our apartment in the town of KOROR we could go for most of the day without electricity or running water. Just depended on generators working and the guy who turned on the water spicket not being drunk.

We lived there before the traffic lights, the television station, etc. So, the only entertainment was a Japanese drive-in movie which showed mostly kung-fu stuff, playing Stratego with other expatriots at the resort hotel or boating. We had a motor boat and a catamaran. Both got lots of use. Maybe, I'll get lucky and go back there some day.

This graveyard is probably really cool on Halloween. It was very Salem witch trial and had lots of captains buried here.

Haaavaaad!

Ah, yes, the infamous bigdig in the foreground looking back to Boston from Little Italy.

Posting hiccups and Boston

This past Friday, I had tried to post comments on a number of the blogs I regularly read...talking electronically...but for some reason...either Blogger problems or Comcast issues, my posts (which were particularly intellectual and insightful, of course) never made it to the blogs!

Then as time passed, I had to leave for a trip. My hubby (with the help of my daughter, as he would have NEVER done this years ago) took me to Boston for the weekend as a surprise for Valentine's Day. Only we went this past weekend instead of Valentine's weekend. I had never been to Boston, but it certainly is a city that is easy to love. And I say this after braving the 20 to 30 degree weather and blasting winds each day! Very easy city to get around in and the food at Little Italy is the best food I have eaten in quite a while-excellent wines as well. One of the waiters introduced me to an Italian rose (not the cloying sweet type) and as soon as I find the notes on it, I will research for my wine blog.

We took in a comedy improve show, saw Blue Man Group, went to Harvard and the Fogg museum (which was my homage to Gilmore Girls-yes I am an addict)and even went to an IMAX show and stopped and shopped in Chinatown at a local store. We also walked and walked and walked to see as much of the Freedom trail as we could with the nasty weather. I'll post a few pics for those who have not been there.

UGH!

Comcast and/or blogger is having a h... of a time getting me to a post window.
Enough time has passed that I have to go upstairs and pack! I am off to Boston.
Will fill you in when I get back!

Coming of Age Stuff

Had a lengthy talk with my son this afternoon after I got home from work. He works for a large network and handles the evening audio work for some of their programs a lucky entry level job he got. He is starting to discover all the sneaky stuff, the insecurity of higher ups, etc in a high pressure industry. Seems that a little scandal with one of the program stars as well as another promotional event that went awry has given him the job jitters. His job is probably still pretty secure, but he has seen people get disciplined for a failure that was not due to their work and it bothers him that the executives don't want to move beyond placing blame...i.e. finding out what happened and trying to prevent it from happening again.

Some of the executive's friends complained about the sound of the promotional program and all the clues lead to the locale and the distributing network--not the original audio engineer who my son thinks is one of the best in the business.

Fortunately my guy is smart enough to realize all the crap that people put themselves through to make themselves feel safe and important. But it doesn't help the bottom line which is to produce an excellent product and to back up good talent. He would make an excellent head of the department---hope he lasts that long.

I have always worked for the public and while never being able to make bonuses or a large salary, I do have job security. That is the trade off. The office politics crap still exists though, if on a smaller and less tense scale. Welome to the real world.

My Bulb Mania

Actually the story on this Amaryllis plant is more interesting, since superMANA commented. I once would buy an amaryllis bulb every year. Then I would put them outside in the spring after blooming and kept them slightly watered and fertilized and then bring them in to go dormant in the fall. In a few years I had dozens of bulblets alongside the bigger bulbs and soon I had about 3 dozen plants blooming each January through March. They would be standing in front of my french doors like wooden soldiers. When I moved to this rental house I knew I had to get a grip. So I donated my babies to the library white elephant sale for $5.00 each. They were huge bulbs and did make some money for the library. Now I am down to five plants--three with potential to bloom. The fifth plant is a Scadoxus multiflorus from South Africa that I bought at the Phildelphia Flower show three years ago and which I have managed to keep going and blooming each spring by treating it the same way. It is an exciting flower and I will take a picture of it when it blooms. Right now it is sitting in the pot looking dead (and surrounded by three --count em---three new babies!).

This is my amaryllus which I have nurtured for 4 years and which brings me an early spring every February! The roses are from my lover.

This is beautiful way that gifts are wrapped in Japan. Clearly the process has just as much importance as the product.

This little group of cats was given to me by a Japanese colleague. I have not idea what the little sign means.

It Just Keeps Getting Better Doesn't It?

Well, I guess it was the blog surfing that I did a few days ago. I kept coming upon entries where people were sick and snuffling and aching and coughing, etc. So, naturally, I caught it! This is the second day I have been home with a sore throat and some sneezing. Not really sick enough to stay home, but not well enough to really go to work since I don't sleep well at night.

On top of this my husband has received some bad health news. His neck ache which he has had on and off for years, is now diagnosed as stenosis of the spine. Which means he has to have spine surgery in March. Without the surgery he is probably going to get worse with an increased numbing of his lower body --- everything below his shoulders --- and eventual paralysis. He has been in excellent health his entire life, so he is not taking this well. He also fears hospitals about 400% more than the average male.

The good news is that the surgery is 97% successful in patients. These are the kinds of percentages that doctors do not throw around carelessly. So, I am comfortable with this news --- at least as comfortable as anyone can be with such serious news. Good thing that there is the Family Sick Leave Act. Between my husband and my daughters birth in April, I will be back in nursing mode in no time.

"And if we can't go back, then what are memories for?"

Pure Land Mountain in a recent blog about going home again also quoted Heraclitus. Much more eloquent than I. A nice post to read.

My Dad

Here is my Dad in front of the proverbial "woodshed" where he has quite a supply of cut wood for the winter. He is just clearing the space in front of the door.

Can this man really be almost 91? He is enjoying this snow!

Tabor, call home

I try to call twice a week to the parents' house. It is kind of strange, but everyone is doing just fine without me. The siblings have worked out a good schedule and Mom actually sounds better although still weak. (We all seem to be surprised (and disappointed?) that she is dying by millimeters and not inches.)

Had a good laugh with my sister during the last call. While talking to Mom (who rarely got stuff straight when she was younger) Mom said that my sister had bought her a vibrator over the Internet because her bottom was so sore and now she really felt good when she used it. (Oh, the images, I am sure you can imagine.) I choked back the laughter until my Sis got on the phone and then chastised her about getting carried away with shopping for mom. Of course, she explained that the 'vibrator' was a chair pad which the nurse had suggested would improve her circulation in the area where she sat for such long periods of time.

I am still putting in my vote for the 'other' vibrator when I get to be 84!

Mechanical--NOT

I am married to an intellectual scientist. He has few practical skills unless you consider the abilty to accurately jibe or to perfectly cast a lure a skill (and yes, some do consider these essential skills). Today he proceeded to pour windshield-washer fluid into the brake fluid port of his monster car. Fortunately, he realized it shortly after he did it! He is now spending a beautifully sunny Saturday at the Ford dealer and it is will cost us $100. UGH UGH UGH

The routine

I am having trouble getting back into a good routine. This is no surprise, but still disconcerting. I try to get up and do my exercise early before work, but sometimes just don't have the energy to even think about it. I try to do the important stuff at work before the rewarding easy stuff that makes it look like a lot is accomplished. But I tend to do the quick and dirty tasks.

I seem to be moving more into a reward thyself mode. I still deal with guilt about spending a Saturday morning sitting and reading instead of shoveling the driveway of snow. I still feel guilty about not tackling the to do lists I have made--actually it does say something that I still make these lists, doesn't it?

I am a puritan at heart. I will never be a total self-indulgent type.

But, overall, I still get driven by wanting to know stuff, to learn stuff. Knowledge is still very sexy to me. But 'should do' gets analyzed rather than done.

A Little Time Warp

I spent all day today with my hubby taking down the Christmas decorations. Packing all the precious little doo dads. Reading all the cards since I left before most of them made it to the house. We have so much catching up to do.

Then we went through our box of things to file. It is about a foot high, so we spent most of the P.M. sorting and filing and destroying.

This afternoon I spent hours trying to figure out my new Sony minicam which I got for Christmas. Took some movies at Christmas at mom and dad's. Trying to discern how to download the files from the digital tape. How to edit them. Cannot get them to write to a DVD although I have a DVD writer on this HP!!! Made a CD and captured the files as MPEG to the PC but the quality is terrible. Edited one short movie with titles and it plays OK but when I sent it to my email the resolution disappeared totally. Does anyone out there know the secret to this?

This is such a headache, I may just stick to a still camera. I thought that I could record to a DVD disk and watch it in high quality on the TV. Thus far I am no where getting even any quality in the video on my PC and my PC won't recognize the file to write to DVD. I would think that software would come with the PC??!!

Made a nice curry with chicken, leftover baked potatoes, white asparagus and mushrooms. It was just he right spicy to go with my wine which I am drinking much of due to the stupid software to hardware issue. Everyone seemed to like it-the curry--not my issues.

Ok, I quit--going to watch some TV and unwind.

Passing Time

The psychology books are all full of insights and analysis of what one goes through when helping or seeing our parents make that passage into and through death. We all handle it differently based on our relationship with our parents as well as our relationship with ourselves. Do we feel anxious about the passage of time or are we resolute in accepting it?

I really want to study the Eastern religions such as Buddhism more because they are more in tune with the now and not so much the past or the future. This thinking also reminds me of Heraclitus (at least I think it was him) who said you never step into the same river twice. The NOW is so precious and so perfect that we must drink it fully and not worry about what follows. I guess it is sort of being willing to relinquish control and just ride the wave, enjoy the cold, taste the wine.

My conservative brother would sit on the couch and say he was 'enjoying' this process. He found it 'fascinating.' Yet, when I talked about this with my sister, she and I both agree that his clinical approach, his cold analysis is how he deals with everything in life. He can watch the person walk in their shoes, but he will never be able to see himself in their shoes.

Back at Home

Tried to submit new blog, but something was not working at this end. Maybe too much snow on the lines?

I made it home in the early evening yesterday. The flight was delayed by an hour and a half...never found out why. So spent a good part of the day in the airport. I had to use miles and the only seat they would give me was first class. I think I flew first class a long time ago. It was a nice change, but expensive on the free miles!

Making a French white bean and ham soup today to counter the cold weather. Son is getting home this afternoon to shovel the driveway and hubby is returning from a trip also this P.M. While I have enjoyed the quiet of the first 24 hours in the house, it will be nice to have family around me again.

It has been over a month since I have been home...long time.

Today is not a day for going outside!

Tying Up the loose ends

I have cleaned out the refrigerator of leftovers and sent Dad shopping for some essentials. I have changed the bedding one last time. I am checking prescriptions, supplies,etc. to make sure that we have enough stuff for at least another week or so.

My brother is going to be with her on Thursday when I leave and through Friday. I hope that his wife comes with him--she is semi-retired. Then my sister will be here on the weekend. Mom is now in a little pain from her tush beginning to get a rash. She moans and groans in her sleep. This is the hard part of caring for someone, keeping their skin from breaking down.

She is in the wheelchair for more moves. It works much better, but the trade-off is that her legs will now get weaker.

I get ot head back east--weather here today was high 60's and sunny. Back east looks miserable. Windy, cold and snowy. UGH!

My Final Week

This is the beginning of my last week before I head back home and try to repair what control I have lost over my job. I feel relief to be coming to an end of my responsibilities, I feel guilt because although my mother gets weaker each day, the more difficult role is going to have to fall to my siblings. I am anxious knowing that I will soon be back this way for a funeral. I am angry at myself for not being stronger in all of this. I live the farthest away and this transistion is going to be the easiest for me, since I don't see my mother more often than once a year.

Today may be the day we have to transition to using the wheel-chair to get back and forth to the bathroom. Her legs work most of the time, but sometimes she cannot move them and she almost collapses. I stand close behind her and am ready to grab her if needed. She is somewhat heavy, so I honestly don't know if I could do anything except slow her collapse.

Last week my Dad was talking about the doctor's diagnosis being inaccurate. I think he thought she was going to die in a matter of weeks and now that she has lasted almost two months, he was keeping some hope. But this week he is seeing her get weaker. She now is getting pain in her side as well. I am giving her over the counter pain pills as the nurse said we could start with the small stuff.

My sister wants me to handle any funeral research. I did this with my youngest sister when she died, but I had her husband to work with. Now I have to try to call the funeral homes nearby and get information all on my own. Mom has already said she wants to be cremated and she doesn't want a funeral at the cemetery. That leaves decisions on a memorial service. While she has lived in this small town for decades, most of her friends have preceded her in death. So, I don't know who the memorial service would be for except family. I think that two of her sisters that are living are too old to travel to the service as well.

Of course in the back of my mind is that in a short time (hopefully years) I will be doing something like this for my dad.

When does the upside of living start again?

Lessons Learned

You spend a lot of time watching television shows that you wouldn't normally watch.

ET can milk a stupid story for more than a week. They repeat stuff at least 50% of the time. So, including previews and commercials and repeats only about 10% of the show is original.

Shows such as Price Is Right and Judge Judy have some very sad and desperate people on them. This is America and I am not surprised the Bush got re-elected now.

Sports figures make way too much money and frequently don't deliver.

Elderly people have very specific routines and usually for very good reasons, but it will take a few mistakes to figure this out.

My parents are very frugal. They can bend a penny sideways and that is why after years of mostly social security, they are financially secure.

People in small towns fit the stereotype of friendliness with strangers. They are very nice and courteous. They ask how your holiday was, make eye contact and actually seem to like people contact.

When taking care of an older weak person, you think that you are spending a lot of time sitting and eldersitting. Yeah, right, just try and watch a movie or read a book!

It doesn't take too many days to begin to appreciate having that second cup of coffee and not having to rush out the door.

Brothers and sisters (at least mine) are worth twice their weight in gold. I may disagree with my mother on things, but she sure raised her kids well!

Bodily functions are not as difficult to deal with as one imagines.

Bronc Busters now wear helmets and what looks like a flack jacket.

Time waits for no man or woman.

A New Connection

My siblings all came over for a family dinner on Sunday. Lots of good sausage, egg pasta, salad, garlic bread, gorgonzola polenta and even chicken! Ice cream for those who had room for dessert.

My sister-in-law helped dye my hair while the rest of the family watched the Green Bay/Vikings game. It was interesting having her help as we have not had a chance to get to know each other well. So there are some good things that come out of bad things.

Then since one of my brother's old laptops that I was using as a dial-up access quit on me, my brother gave me his Apple laptop and set up a dial-up even though this is wireless. Since his OS is more up-to-date, I can now blog from the farmhouse!

We also had a meeting on Friday and over pizza and lots of beer and wine everyone felt it was best that Mom and Dad still stay here at the farmhouse after I head back in two weeks. They are going to rotate on two and three day shifts staying with them. My one brother who can take the least time off, will stay on weekends. The other two will stay throughout the week. We are also hiring a student nurse for 4 hours twice a week to help with the transition times. It will be complicated, but I think Mom will hold up so much better in her own house.

We are all anticpating her going into a coma in the coming weeks. She is awake the whole time they are here, but when they leave she falls asleep immediately. She gets weaker and weaker. I have put some wrapped chocolates near her chair as she loves these. Today she took one and started to unwrap it and then fell asleep. She awoke a few minutes later and then continued to unwrap and fell asleep again. I finally took it from her and unwrapped it and gave it to her. She was releaved.

I can only hope that my passage goes with at least some dignity and little railing and writhing!

Snowy Winter Day

Even though we have about 6 inches of snow, Dad still goes out for the warm lunch at the Center. I hope I have the same fearlessness and driving skills at 90. Considering that I don't feel that confident her in my fifties, I don't know that I will in a few decades.

Today is the 5th of January. I hope to post all the previous blogs I have put on this computer and today's blog up tomorrow. There is a wireless coffee shop downtown, and if the roads are a little better, I will head out that way and sneak some time from the caretaking. I have gone through the routine enough that I have a good idea of how long I can leave them. Dad may sleep through Mom's call--but if I get her set before I leave, then I should be OK.

The Other Legs of the Stool

When you are helping someone with the hospice process it is hard work. But it is even more difficult if the person in hospice is close to you. If I did not have my two brothers and one sister, this job would take an even greater toll on my physical and mental health. It is the breaks that they give me and the ability to talk to someone else who has a vested interest in the outcome of this process that are my fresh air.

They are each pretty different in their approach to this challenge. The brother closest in age to me is probably the most conservative in his approach. He talks about it very little and only in the most practical and business-like terms. He isn't big on hands-on care and prefers to talk mom to the bathroom or the dinner table from across the room. He tends to approach her as if she is a stroke victim and just needs verbal reminders as a form of therapy. Since his retirement he is big on cooking and regularly brings lots of food for us. His wife is from Europe and a very nurturing person. She views my mother as her mother in some ways since she has lost both of her parents and does not have immediate relatives her or in Europe except for her two sons from a prior marriage. It would be so easy to put more of this burden on her, but I am trying very hard to avoid that. She has been a good balance for my brother who might have turned into a stuffy old professor type without her enthusiasm and daring. She has gotten on my other siblings nerves because she gets involved and forces us to make firm decisions and move forward. She is also manipulative in a sweet way and that makes my sister angry.

My 'baby' brother is also more hands-off (the nature of most males) but his upbeat personality and joking nature are a real upper for my mother. He is the one who immediately repairs something around the house or outside if you mention it as a problem. He has a small construction company and works about 7.5 days a week. Both here at the farm and now more frequently on a duplex rental unit he has purchased as security for his retirement. Yesterday he came to move the outside mailbox which now sits behind a semi-permanent puddle of ice on the north side of a tall fence. Now it is closer to the driveway gate so my Dad doesn't ice skate to pick up the mail.

My younger sister is very hands-on and also continually buying things for them. She and her husband are attorneys with only one grown step-son, so money is readily available to them. Still, I know people who have money and are not generous at all. (The husband of my late sister comes to mind.) My sister had taken Mom through her first battle with cancer and so she has dealt with the ugliness of this process. I truly think that we have given Mom her dignity by being as practical and nonchalant as possible with her accidents. She bemoans her weakness but not in any long term way that brings us down.

We are all getting together for dinner this coming Thursday (6th) and talk about making permanent plans in moving my parents when I leave and head back home on the 21st. This meeting was motivated by my sister-in-law...so the siblings are a little miffed.

Mom needs someone with her all the time. If she falls, Dad cannot lift her. If she doesn't get bathroom care, her hygiene falls by the wayside.

Well, enough about the sibs. I am making a spaghetti Sunday dinner which has always been a tradition with my parents. Although, I am not cooking the traditional fried chicken...just the pasta, garlic bread, green beans with garlic and a nice green salad.

Roller Coaster Ride

I have been home (at my parents house) since December 16. As most people know going back into the house where you lived as a teenager brings up a whole marketbasket of feelings. Decades have past and nothing has really changed. I am sleeping in my brothers' bedroom. My old room has a bed that fits like a hammock and my back can't take that so I have chosen their bedroom. The bedspreads have changed, but wall color, drapes and carpeting are the same. Midwestern farmer types do not spend money freely. Our high school graduation pictures still sit on the dresser. Strangely shaped bottles from college binges also line up like souvenir soldiers.

There are old school papers in the closet, cheap toys that my kids used to play with when they visited and books of all types and sizes.

Mom and Dad and I have started to work out a routine. I think that Dad is relieved to be handing over most of the caretaker duties to me. He can actually leave the house for longer periods of time. His day usually consists of turning up the two heaters and maybe starting a fire in the wood stove at 6:00. He still chops his own wood at 90! Then I get up and make coffee and we sort of start our day together over the morning news and some chit chat. At 7:00 I get Mom up and get everyone breakfast. They have been relying primarily on cold cereal, but seem pleased to have me fix oatmeal, pancakes or eggs every once in a while. Depending on whether a nurse's aide is coming I will get Mom dressed in a clean new nightgown and new socks and comb her hair. If we are expecting company such as over the holidays, I will get out the makeup so she looks more lively. (We had over fifteen for Christmas from California, Colorado and Maryland--I think it was one of the best holidays in memory in spite of the circumstances.)

Then Dad gets the newspaper, turns down the heaters and either he or I empty Mom's potty chair by the bed. He does dishes and then gets cleaned up mid-morning to head for the senior center downtown where he serves the lunch and coffee, eats his lunch, does the dishes and then brings home Mom's lunch. The senior center used to be their primary social activity and the big warm daily meal when they went together. Now, Dad waits on the 70 to 80 somethings that eat down there! On Fridays he heads out to visit his friend for the afternoon.

The first week was an emotional swinging ride for me. I kept the day busy with chores, organizing and cleaning this old house. But as nightfall came I would realize why I was here and find myself choking back the tears or crying myself to sleep.

Mom has lost bladder and is losing bowel control and her legs are weak. We make it together to the bathroom 4 to 5 times a day. I have to hold her nightgown over her shoulders so that she can concentrate on sitting on the commode. I also have to wipe her rear end as she can't do it as well as it needs to be done. We have nurses assistants come in about 4 times a week from the hospice program to help bathe her, cut her nails, brush her dentures and/or set her hair. A nurse is now coming in weekly to monitor her life signs. Every other week we get a chaplain although neither of my parents are religious, they do enjoy this visit. She needs the care of a two-year-old, but every single person that comes in loves her as they find her so upbeat and friendly, unlike many of their patients, I am sure. She will stutter over her words as she gets tired and then laugh and tell them she speaks a 'foreign' language or that she speaks three languages at the same time.

This is a bit of a conflict for me, because she was a really stubborn and set-in-her-ways mother when I was growing up and even when I became an adult. I could never please her with whatever gift I brought or whatever idea I had. So, I guess my first blessing in this process is that she is mellowing out.

Some days she realizes that she has a terminal illness and other days she acts as though I am here to just help get her back on her feet.

We have tried working on leg exercises to strengthen her a little. The hospice program does not support that kind of therapy. They do nothing that would prolong her dying. She does sleep about 80% of the time. I fill that time with checking emails via modem and my brothers computer, working on the quilt for my daughter, reading, watching TV and some exercising. The next blog I will talk about the siblings.

Finally Got Some Blog Time

I am sitting here in a charming little coffee house on main street of this tiny farming town. I can't imagine how they make any money, but the waitress is cleaning off all the tables, so they must have had some lunch customers. When I get out into the rural west, I am reminded of how people struggle from day to day to make ends meet. When on the east coast the upper middle class is so evident, that I tend to forget about the rest of the world.

There is one woman about my age sitting at a table reading a book and sipping coffee...must be retired.

I left Dad with Mom and I am sure he is sleeping by now. He has had a long day.

I have to go out to K-mart after this entry and get some stuff. He was trying to give me directions, but I think I will just drive out to the nearby city and see if I can find it...because the directions were really confusing.

I have written a couple of blogs at home and will post them following this.