I am a novice of this being alone for days on end. Coupled with a snowstorm that has prevented me from seeing anyone for days, and being a person who is not crazy about talking on the phone, I have lived in a very hollow echo tunnel it seems. I am surprised when I say something out loud and it fills the room. A simple bump of the pipes has me listening for something wrong. I have had the TV on more than usual and played the Christmas music until I became tired of that nostalgia and had to turn it off. I am reading Marcus Aurelius's "Meditations" out loud in bed, which might otherwise annoy my husband.
There are people in this world (I have friends) that live alone and work alone, but also have a calendar filled with coffee dates, exercise dates and dinner dates. I do wish I was that type of a person, but I am not. I have a calendar filled with a few hobbies and am blessed with children who see me now and again. I can go for several days in a row and never talk to anyone, and miss people, but not really miss people. It is hard to explain.
I do think about what habits I would absolutely have to change if my husband passed on before me. He is in excellent health for someone in his mid-seventies (swims a mile once or twice a week, runs four to six miles on the elliptical every now and then and is far more active in general than I) and both his parents, who were not in excellent health lived into their late 80's and early 90's. He is becoming more forgetful. This is hard to measure because he always has been a bit scattered on details and location of things. Still, even now he admits his memory is not as good as it used to be. He called today and complained about how he forgotten his backpack when loading the boat, lost his phone on a hike, but while both were later retrieved, he is having fun and does not let the annoyance get to him. When he is home I do spend more time than I would like looking for something he set down somewhere. It is what it is.
Could I live out here in the woods all alone? I read a blogger, actually a few bloggers, who live alone in the country and relish the quiet and beauty. I think I would have to find some compromise...not the city or the suburbs...some community that is rural but has amenities and a sense of community for the less agile. My children have said that I could come live with them, but they both live in the suburbs which means I would have to be able to drive to get anywhere and I would be in a neighborhood that is empty during most of the day.
I must admit, what a luxury to be able to think about this, to not be forced into some situation...at least for now. It is wise to be willing to admit that compromise is in the future of most of elders. Compromise and acceptance or you do battle with the inevitable.
The days are growing longer and have been since December 22. Our skies are so gray and gloomy and rainy that I barely notice unless I am sitting inside and a bit of sun finally breaks through at the time of sunset and I, with some surprise, notice that the sunset is still out there but a bit later.
For those who work nights or who, like my relative, work in a very dark office without windows and much light during the day and have had to actually order a full spectrum light to sit near their desk, I feel you deserve better. I do not know how they can keep their spirits up. They go for much of their lives without sunlight. It is SAD (Seasonal Adjustment Syndrome).
I do like that I can light the candles earlier in the evening and start a cozy fire in the fireplace and have an excuse for doing cozy rather than energetic things.
I have finished reading Upstream by Mary Oliver, Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, but could not finish the Book of Kells as it seem a bit of a slog.
I am now reading some light, silly romance whose title escapes me. It takes place in the South and the heroine is overweight and insecure but has marvelous inner strength which she calls upon in her divorce.
The Christmas Decorations are re-packed except for two little wooden houses I had forgotten. I do think there is an unwritten rule of nature that you must always forget to put away a decoration or two!
Not sure why all of a sudden my other blog appears on my readers' (virtual friends) posts, but I have just compared the settings for both Blogs and made sure they are identical--as much as possible. Maybe the Google search gods have put down the eggnog and are back indexing bloggers posts and recognized my reset. I had been feeling like the decayed mushroom above and was wondering if I should just stop blogging for a while and do all those things I have been procrastinating about for a few years. Now it seems I have a brief reprieve with at least one blog being revived.
As most of you know, and many some of you agree, this new year will be a big challenge for those of us who love and support gender equality, education and access to that for others as well as ourselves, the free press and journalistic excellence in helping us understand what is going on (thinking about the movie Spotlight for example), the precious and fragile environment, labor laws and labor negotiations to empower the worker, access to healthcare for everyone---already in every major country, political humor that is satire, broadway (all theater actually), religious tolerance, acceptance of strange cultural foods and dress in this country, and trying to understand why polite behavior is no longer the norm but being PC is so yesterday. And what the hell is alt-truth? Is this snowflake being too sensitive?
Within the last two months there have been FIVE rope nooses hung at the liquid natural gas construction site and our Sheriff seems to be at a loss to find out who is doing this, and we wonder if this clearly racist act to some of us is looked upon as just a joke by our county government who thinks voters are too stupid to understand their policies. Maybe next we will see the Star of David painted in blood? This site has all kinds of security and cameras and limited access in part because it is next door to the nuclear power plant. We all wonder why the culprit has not been caught and why they have all this expensive security if it can be breached so often. I mean, even if you work there, you cannot drive onto the construction site, you must take a shuttle bus from the parking lot across the highway. So this freedom to threaten hate is now at my door. They have been required to bring in the Feds finally, but who can trust the FBI after our President-elect has pointed out their incompetence.
Anyway, my immediate challenge is a long list for the New Year and I am actually going through it pretty fast already. Therefore, I can ADD to it if I get energetic. Hubby is leaving tomorrow for a camping fishing trip to Florida which means I will be alone for two weeks. It will be a good challenge for me to be on my own, but I am guessing the TV will be on more in the afternoons for background noise.
Today is a rainy and cold day and so gloomy outside and I am sure that is contribution to the mood of this post. I promise to be more mellow next time.
