Killing time

Well, I have packed for at least a month's stay. It is very different to pack for a long time...I will be going to an old farmhouse which is somewhat isolated from the community. Therefore I have packed books, magazines, needlework, both of my cameras.

I am sure that I will have plenty to do at first, but when things start to fall into a routine, the time will move very slowly and painfully. Cooking will be a challenge as there is very little to work with and the appliances are on their last legs. At least the washer and dryer are new.

Tonight, we have ordered pizza and are waiting tonight for my daughter and her husband and my son to come by for a little Christmas. We will all be going different directions in the coming days and while we will all be together at my parents over the holidays that time will be more somber. Traffic is horrible, so they are delayed in getting here.

I am trying to keep my mind off of what lies ahead. I have no idea how long my mother has. My sister thinks it is about 8 weeks, but the doctors are saying maybe 6 months. It is so hard to plan what to do when you have no control over any of the plans. I leave tomorrow at 8:30 a.m. so will have to be at the airport at 6:30. I have two large suitcases (I usually travel very light), so hope I can check in at the curb and just take my backpack and purse on in.

Weather here is C-O-L-D! It will probably be the same in Colorado.

Pushing the Pause Button

Well, is does appear that I will be heading out to help set up the hospice for my mom on Thursday. They do not have a computer at the house or internet access, so looks like this little site will be on hold for a month maybe. If I get near a library I will blog or at my sister's house, but being its the holidays and being I am there for another reason, I am not planning on it.

So "toodles" to the few readers who may stop by ---until a later date.

Aren't we special?

Yes, I know, I got in at midnight last night and I got up at 6:00 this morning. Creature of habit that I am, I still wake up around 5:00 AM. I will probably crash this afternoon. But just had to add this new blog.

Taking advantage of the early morning quiet, I am getting rid of all the catalogs that make it to my mailbox. I have this delicious looking Godiva catalog...and was looking through the pretty pictures when I come across their insert:

"Complimentary Sampling and In-Store Theatre Events at Your Godiva boutique." The 'events' listed include "Peanut Butter-Dessert Cups" on 11/17 and the "Candy Cane Bark" on 12/12. Who writes this stuff?

Cher

Went to her concert last night. Pretty much sold out. The old broad can still bring them in. Her opening act was "The Village People' which I had thought were all gone or dead or something. Honestly. They were buff and energized and had the kind of music the audience could appreciate.

My son was kidding me about seeing all the transvestites and actually I thought that would be fun if there were some. But this audience was all over the place in age, and while there were gay guys, no transvestites that I could see. There were many old folks from suburbia--which is probably a little bit of a disappointment to her, since it shows her the reality of her age and how normal people her age really look.

Anyway, the only tickets I could get were up and away. I decided that I am too old to be sitting so far from the main stage. My eyesight just isn't good enough and of course, my memory is going so I forgot to bring binocs.

She didn't sing some of my favorites from the older days... she is probably sick of them, but she still has great pipes and a good bod and wonderful costumes. Her guitar player was fantastic, so all in all a good visit back in time for me.

Weather or Not

I have doctor's appointments today, so am not going into work. They are having one of the Christmas parties today at the office. I am sort of sorry to miss it, because it usually is fun, we all get along, and they sometimes have live music! No booze, but good food.

Weather has been close and clammy all week. If I were a romantic I would say that it is full of misty lace and cozy fog. If I were bipolar I would be in a deep funk as the sun has not shone for days. If I was an optimist, I would be happy because the temperature has been in the 50's and 60's which is pretty unusual for December in this area. But I am practical and realize that it is too wet to wear my favorite suede boots.

My husband, who hates the holidays almost as much as he hates shopping, said I should pick up something (anything...any cost) for my stocking today as he hasn't a clue what to get me. Boy I do know how to pick em.

Gotcha!

As I have mentioned in past blogs I had a younger sister who passed away almost three years ago from cancer. She left behind a husband and two children. The kids are now teenagers. They live on the other side of the continent from me and I have been able to visit almost yearly due to business trips. But due to my budget demise, I can no longer travel out that way.

They do get back into Colorado to visit the rest of the family once maybe twice a year, usually over the holidays.

When we recently went to visit them in California my husband realized that a close cousin of his actually lived just up the road from them. So we ALL went out to dinner together one night. We thought it would be good to get them together since my sister had passed recently. My brother-in-law while well known in his town is pretty much a quiet, stay at-home guy. He never emails us or calls.

Well, today I just got the Christmas card from my husband's cousins with following quote buried in the rest of the news (D is my brother-in-law):

"Saw D and his lady friend . I know her from dance class... smalltown. They seem to be quite an item."

What a surprise! I knew that some day he would get involved with someone else. He has quite a bit of money, so is a good 'catch.' I have mixed feelings about this and wonder how the kids feel, but I also am curious as hell about her...! I wonder if the rest of the family knows.... Interesting the gossip one gets in a Christmas card.

The old girl

Well, it appears that the old girl is going out on all pistons. Pretty much as she lived her life. She has a mass on her liver that is rapidly growing, she has kidneys that are failing and she is anemic so they think she is bleeding somewhere internally, although interminable tests cannot find where! What will eventually kill her and when, doctors don't know and if there is a God he is not talking.

I talked to my mom yesterday afternoon after they had given her two pints of blood. She was so chipper, talking so fast, and really upbeat. She can be a real curmudgeon so this was a blessing. My brothers and sisters far away are arranging the details of hospice care in one of their homes. I asked how I could help (other than fly out which I will do in the coming weeks) and they wanted me to look into the funeral arrangements. They are lost when it comes to this. I took the bull by the horns and did this for my sisters untimely death in California a number of years ago. It helped keep me busy and they always saw me as the bossy one ( come on, I'm not that bad) and so they were glad that I took over.

I will do so again this time. Get it in order and then run it by my Dad and everyone for the final say so.

I am sad but not depressed. My mother and I are close--but we have had our up days and our down days. I am not a favorite child. Unfortunately, she lost the favorite child to cancer. In addition, since I live so far from them, the space has brought about a different relationship than that which she has with my two other brothers and sisters. It is OK. Ten years ago there would have been lots of second thoughts and anger and guilt. But no more. As Buddha says, " What we think, we become."

Each time we meet with death and help someone we love through that passage, I know that we grow in wisdom. I just hope that I can be wise instead of stupid in this trial.

I have this little cheat

I can't get my thoughts together for blogging right now. My husband is at a late seminar and he has scheduled a medical X-ray for after the seminar late this evening...always the one to try to squeeze 13 activities into a crate for a dozen. When I turned on my cell phone to call him I found a message waiting for me that had come in a few hours earlier.

It was from my youngest sister. She has told me that the mass on my mother's liver is indeed growing fast and they are going to put her in hospice. They put her in the hospital this weekend. The medical staff never explored this mass due to her age --87--and her weakening kidneys and told us to hope for the best--that was back in September.

Now it appears that we are in the goodbye stage of this.

My cheat is this...I just can't call my sister back right now. I am waiting for my husband to call to pick him up so he doesn't miss his appointment. When he calls, my cheat is gone. I have to get on the stick and help Sis. I have to grow up.

Pre Season Short Shot Blog

I have found that I really enjoy the blogging whether anyone reads it or not. It has become a little bit of a creative escape for me. Helps give me perspective on my life, which I tend to view with a more critical eye until I go back and read my archives.

Anyway, today in A.M. I will start to decorate this rental house somewhat (going to get out of the PJs first) and then meet my daughter for setting up her baby registry and then driving back home and more decorating and then driving back to the same place to meet up with friends for an early dinner.

I still have to blog about the WPI interns reception last week...inspiring and also blog an update on L. at work. Also have been busy having fun with the Espresso Stories site. Really rewarding for us non-writers who like to write. Hope to blog in-depth tonight!

"The times they are a changin."

I was watching National Public Television yesterday and taking a tour of the Netherlands with Rick Steves. His shows are always interesting as he combines food, culture, history, and art with some of the practical aspects of travel. I used his book when we traveled through Italy a few years ago and found it saved some time and some money.

Anyway, after the show he was part of the money raising segment that NPTV does throughout the year to stay alive. During his comments he went off message several times and seemed to almost go into a subtle politcal rant. At one time he said that television stations were asking for certain information before they would broadcast his travel show. The questions were about what was to be shown from the country...i.e. would there be artwork or sculptures that showed private parts of the human body? If so, they would then decline showing the program. He gave a gentle but determined smile and looked deeply into the camera and said something to the effect that the Europeans have long gotten over this shame of the human body and that this art was so important for all to see, etc. etc.

I just sat in my chair trying to figure out what century I had dropped into? Parents guard your children well or the girls will be in Chadors and the boys will never know what a female face looks like much less where babies come from.

Notes on the wedding.

Since middle-angel asked, I will tell a little about the precious wedding ceremony. It took place in a small Lutheran church in Philadelphia. Very simple ceremony with men in tuxedos and bridesmaids in deep carmine dresses with lovely beading across the front in a V-shape. Bride was tall, blonde and had the next door look that nice girls have. She had the loveliest veil with small crystal beads sewn randomly and sparsely across the netting. She twinkled like starlight with each movement. They had a violinist, organist and a soloist. It was very nice.

Reception was in the Sheet Metal workers building at Penns Landing Caterers. This is a very dynamic building built by various sheetmetal workers groups. It has metal ceilings and walls and yet is very elegant (with candlelight reflecting off all the metal) and has a huge stage where the band played most of the night. (One of the singers in the band just happened to be my son-in-law's brother as well!) So my husband and I danced as best we might finding polka, salsa, mambo and foxtrot beats in many of the more modern tunes that suited the crowd of young people. We also attempted club dancing which must have given the younger crowd a good laugh. But we are no longer shy at our age, knowing that life goes on and doesn't wait for you to feel competent at anything.

Joined my daughter and her husband and his parents for Sunday Brunch at Creperie Beau Monde which I highly recommend if you are ever in the Philadelphia area. The crepes are made with buckwheat flour and yet are so light and amazing. There are dozens of fillings both savory and sweet, and the price is not high. The decor is sage green with gold leaf patterned wall paper. They even had a nice fire going for us on the rainy fall morning.

The wedding

There is a tradition at many American (and probably Western European) weddings where a small coin is placed beneath the cup or plate at each of the reception tables. If you get the coin, you get to take home the flower centerpiece. My son-in-law got the coin and since my daughter was a matron of honor and had a lovely nosegay as well as a nice floral bouquet for being part of the wedding party (son-in-law was also a groomsman) they let us take home this floral arrangement. So lovely!! Don't you think?

Wedding flowers

Happy Thanksgiving Day

Unusually easy day for me today. Only my son and his friend are joining us. Daughter and her husband are eating at the In-laws. We will join them on Saturday for a wedding and brunch on Sunday with the in-laws in Philadelphia.

So since only the four of us (can't remember when we have been this small over the holidays) I have not tried to kill myself with the cooking. We are having a cranberry stuffed turkey breast, separate sage stuffing,pear and fennel salad with spring greens and blue cheese, buttered sweet potatoes with the required marshmallow topping, herbed green beans with ham, creamed peas and pearl onions, and the traditional pumpkin pie with whipped cream (back-up is an apple walnut cake with vanilla ice cream.) (I forgot to get the rolls--oh well.)

Going to put out some pre-dinner snacks now.

I hope that everyone feels peace today, whether they are with relatives they like or don't like, friends or just on their own.

A small T-Day table but with large thankfulness.

The Lost weekend

Daughter and I spent the early Saturday afternoon shopping for maternity clothes (which are awfully choking expensive if you care about cut) and a few holiday gifts. She still has a darling figure with just a little tummy showing at 4.5 months along. Then we ate at a nice Vietnamese restaurant called Green Papaya before heading for the movie.

“What the Bleep…” was certainly different than many documentaries. The movie tries to tie together quantum physics theory with man’s concept of God…among other things. That alone stirs controversy. While it presents some interesting and beautiful ideas it is done with elementary school graphics and junior high school explanations of science. The dumbing down for the movie audience leaves one with lots of basic questions about what the movie hoped to accomplish. It is worth seeing if you have a philosophical bent and it has motivated me to do some research in some of the areas they were discussing.

After we got out of the movie we headed to Borders’ Books for some browsing and then went back to my house and had a little slumber party. The baby was being very active so I got to feel it kicking and stretching. What wonderful memories it brought back! Later we watched “Finding Nemo” on cable which I had never seen. It is so beautiful and really somewhat scientifically accurate regarding ornamental fish. I’d like to get the CD. <>

On Sunday we slept in and then, like the good mother that I am, I made her a bacon and pancake breakfast. We headed downtown and did some window shopping while waiting for my husband to call. He got in around 1:00. My daughter had mentioned that she had had boxes of put-together furniture in her dining room for over a month. They needed to go upstairs to her baby room/guest room and her husband hadn’t been able to get a buddy to help move the heavy stuff. (This is no surprise as he rarely does any physical labor around the house…yard work is also tough on him. He is able to golf and go to football games on the weekends though. I am not totally critical here. He does work very hard at his job and earns a nice fat salary, but he tends then to want weekends totally free for fun as a result. He was currently at a football game and so wouldn’t be back until late that evening.) I asked my hubby if he was too tired to do some furniture moving and he was more than amenable if it was something for his little girl. So we spent the afternoon putting together a wooden bed, and unpacking several other boxes of furniture, and moving out the entire dining room so we could lay out her new rug. Whew! Got that done and then has some salsa and chips while we watched the Ravens win over Dallas. We had lived in Texas years ago, so we are Cowboys fans and the loss was a little bit of a downer. After that she had Tivo’d “Lost” which I had missed last week and so I got to see that and am now caught up for this coming week. “Lost” is one of those TV series that you really can’t miss or you are somewhat clueless for the following episode.

Then about 6:30 she headed out for a recruiting dinner for her company and her husband showed up and the three of us went out to a local Italian restaurant for a nice catch-up dinner. We talked some politics, some baby and some about his parents, whom he had seen over the weekend. His last grandmother is having lots of health problems and his parents are going through that time of life we all go through, wondering what to do with Mom or Dad in order to make their remaining life as easy but as safe as possible. We gave him our advice which he actually seemed to want to hear. What a long and busy weekend.

View from my computer room.

That old nature vs. nurture question.

This Web Article tells me that maybe I was born a liberal?

What the bleep do we know?

I am meeting my daughter at 2:00 this afternoon for some shopping and then going to a movie. We are going to see What the Bleep do We know. I had actually purchased three tickets to this movie three weeks ago and then my husband got a kidney stone and we spent that night in the emergency room of the hospital. I bought two tickets online yesterday and hopefully with him still in Taiwan, there will be no emergencies. The movie has managed to stay in theatres just by word of mouth, so should be at least interesting. Especially this time of the year.

Shopping for the holidays has gotten much easier since I no longer shop for my brothers and sisters and their kids are mostly grown and away. My celebration of Christmas has become more and more a habit. While I still feel there is a God somewhere out there, I feel less and less it has to do with these mythological celebrations that mankind has invented on this planet. Why would God be a man? Why would he manifest himself as a man? What not appear as the very weakest among us, such as a crippled child or an old woman? (I mean in the biblical story.) Why would he ever take sides in a war where his 'creations' destroy each other. If God is perfect, then there is no place for killing or hatred.

While I do not begrudge anyone in their beliefs...after all whatever gets us through the day...I just look deep into my heart and soul and cannot lie to myself. I have no fear of Satan. If such an evil power exists, it has no control over me. I have no fear of death...just fear of pain. I see myself as a biological animal on this planet. If my spiritual component exists beyond...great. I do not fear a punishment for my honesty with myself. I am willing to use all the tools available to me and do not refuse anyone's prayers.

But, I know, with little exception, I am responsible for myself and what happens to me. My husband also feels this way. My grandchild that is due in April will be raised as a Catholic...probably the farthest road in life from mine. I hope that our spiritual paths will cross often, though.

This is Reale

L. stopped by my cubicle and told me every time she saw her boss his face was red and he was angry. She was avoiding him as she did her work.

She also told me that she was afraid he would try something since he knew where she lived. I told her that he must be afraid to get caught and wouldn't dare.

"No, Mis T..., this is reale..Hewould not do this himself, he could hire some one to hurt me."

Just in case I didn't get it... I live in middle-class white America where if someone wants to f.... you sideways you hire a bigger dick called a lawyer! Not always an option in that other America.