The old girl

Well, it appears that the old girl is going out on all pistons. Pretty much as she lived her life. She has a mass on her liver that is rapidly growing, she has kidneys that are failing and she is anemic so they think she is bleeding somewhere internally, although interminable tests cannot find where! What will eventually kill her and when, doctors don't know and if there is a God he is not talking.

I talked to my mom yesterday afternoon after they had given her two pints of blood. She was so chipper, talking so fast, and really upbeat. She can be a real curmudgeon so this was a blessing. My brothers and sisters far away are arranging the details of hospice care in one of their homes. I asked how I could help (other than fly out which I will do in the coming weeks) and they wanted me to look into the funeral arrangements. They are lost when it comes to this. I took the bull by the horns and did this for my sisters untimely death in California a number of years ago. It helped keep me busy and they always saw me as the bossy one ( come on, I'm not that bad) and so they were glad that I took over.

I will do so again this time. Get it in order and then run it by my Dad and everyone for the final say so.

I am sad but not depressed. My mother and I are close--but we have had our up days and our down days. I am not a favorite child. Unfortunately, she lost the favorite child to cancer. In addition, since I live so far from them, the space has brought about a different relationship than that which she has with my two other brothers and sisters. It is OK. Ten years ago there would have been lots of second thoughts and anger and guilt. But no more. As Buddha says, " What we think, we become."

Each time we meet with death and help someone we love through that passage, I know that we grow in wisdom. I just hope that I can be wise instead of stupid in this trial.