I have always felt a letdown as the holidays wind down. When I was younger I was able to fill the empty hours with a return to my job or projects that I had listed to complete during the winter vacation before I returned to work. I had family responsibilities that made me feel useful. I road the waves out until the crest of January and its deadlines reared their ugly head. (Rarely living in the moment!)
Now I find it more difficult to catch the next wave when the waves are small and barely moving. Retirement coupled with old age brings time for thoughts, regrets, and wishes for do-overs. I know that it is stupid and useless to venture down that path, but each year I feel a little more useless in this world and my mistakes haunt me. I volunteer, donate money, and try to spend as much time as possible with family and my few friends, but everything seems much more ephemeral and questionable as I have acquired perspective moving to the end of the tunnel of my lifeline. Perhaps the stress of the times mixed with my perspective on world affairs adds to this frustration.
This does get balanced with the wonderful opportunities I have for study, pleasure reading, watching great entertainment, watching my family grow and venture into their exotic new lives, and traveling with my husband. I know that I have nothing to complain about. I know that my rich life is how I make it.
So I look to wise men (and women) to lift me:
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. Desiderata by Max Ehrmann
And as I venture into 2022 and I will work on my attitude.
Lovely post, Tabor, with wisdom for all of us, young and old, healthy and infirm. Sending you my gratitude for what you share here. :-)
ReplyDeleteGood thoughts! And you remember what you have as well as what you've lost. Nice balance there. Thank you for your writing this year, and a happy New year
ReplyDeleteNothing to complain about doesn't negate things to feel about. Your feelings have value to explore, nurture, and comfort. Thank you for being so open. I am sure you are not alone in how you feel.
ReplyDeleteBrave of you to admit this (and I love your photo!). I've found my attitude has been going downhill at an accelerating rate lately. Need to regroup, reset, recommit.
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely entitled to feel and voice your feelings...I often think it helps us work through them. I just finished a Psychology class on Life Development and discussion around Erickson's stage of Integrity vs Despair was very interesting and talked about exactly what you are feeling and voicing. It is super healthy to pause and evaluate where we are in our lives and what we are feeling and dealing with. It is expected that we look back and evaluate choices, behaviors and use "hindsight is 20/20" to guide our future behaviors. It sounds like you are voicing it in a healthy way and yes, you are definitely entitled to your feelings even if you are super grateful and blessed!! HUGS
ReplyDeleteYour photo is perfect. Yes, after Christmas let down happens to me too. but with medical issues looming, I am doing my best to keep my spirits up and stay balanced. I had a good Christmas with my family and blogging and Facebook keeps me connected with friends near and far. Thank you for being one of those.
ReplyDelete"Regrets, I've had a few, but then again too few to mention. ...I did it my way."
I think you did too.
Age brings self examination for sure. Thank you for speaking of this reality.
ReplyDeleteI hear what you're saying and wish I could express my feelings as well as you do. I often find that writing about these things helps to clarify (for myself) how I'm feeling. I don't think your attitude needs much work, by the way. But if I were into New Year resolutions, that would be a good one for me, too.
ReplyDeleteThere's much wisdom in looking back, and looking ahead. When regrets try to force their way in, remember you made the best decision you could at the time with the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual knowledge and strength you had available to you at that time.
ReplyDeleteYes a lovely post Tabor. It makes me sad of course but then we all have lives to look back on. Family, friends, holidays and adventures. Our grandchildren will still go on taking us into the future with them. Star dust.
ReplyDeleteIt is refreshing to read such a truthful and candid post. I don't know exactly what I feel, but I am probably too insensitive to feel what you feel.
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ReplyDeleteLiving alone and right now isolated socially between Covid and a surprising amount of snow it's hard not to think back. Memories are showing up in my dreams these last few weeks. Then our family lost a young (43) brother-in-law to Covid and I am still here at 80. Yet here also is an eight week old great-grandson, beautiful. How can I not be any wiser than I am? Thanks for sharing your thoughts. As Thelma said "stardust."
ReplyDeleteHappy new year 2022 Tabor.
ReplyDeleteFirst off...a Happy Belated Birthday to you, Tabor...followed by a belated Merry Christmas! My apologies for running late. Lately, I've flat-out knowing what day it is!!
ReplyDeleteMy very vest wishes to you and your loved ones for 2022...may it treat you kindly. Take care. :)
Well written post of emotions. Many that I can relate to. I find it hard to accept growing old and experiencing illness when I have been so healthy in the past. But I am grateful for the life I have lived. I should be more positive about the future. Hope you have a good year.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this wonderful post. I can also truly relate to it. I'd like to wish you and your family a happy 2022.
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