Monday, May 14, 2018

Subdued Holidays


Hoping you had a nice Mother's Day if you are a mother. I am not super comfortable with this holiday because I do have friends and relatives that lost their mother when they were very young, early teens or one in college. For those who have gone through this tragedy, it may bring up days of sweet memories and for others a deep longing for all that they missed. I will be attending the wedding of a young man that lost his mother when he was about ten. He lives on the other side of the country and I do not get to see him as much as I would like.


My daughter-in-law has recently learned that she will probably not be able to have children and her sister learned the same fate years ago.  They both married later in their lives which complicates things.  I think they have both decided not to try adoption, so it appears her parents will never have the joy of grandkids, and they are special people and would have made wonderful grandparents.

This Mother's Day, while special for many, carries baggage for me.  I had a complicated relationship with my Mother.  She was judgemental and overworked and angry much of the time.  I understand it all now but did not when I was a young girl which she burdened and guilted with chores. 

I got a call from my distant son late that evening (certainly prompted by his wife) and nothing from my busy daughter who is a very wonderful mother in her own right.  But they know I would not guilt them about their actions or inactions on this day.  We love each other with or without holidays to remind us.

Anyway, for those who have children, I hope your day was filled with attention and honor by those you worked so hard to raise.

20 comments:

  1. I also don't like the day as it's a haves and have-nots sort of day. I used to go to church, listen to the pastor orate on how a mother is responsible for all the good things in a family and likewise, of course, the bad things. I can remember coming home, heading for the creek to have a good cry as i didn't feel I ever met the mark-- as daughter or mother. Since my mom lived a long life, her death was not a tragedy for me. It was one of those-- the time has come. I sometimes wish I could redo some of my mistakes with her but you don't get to go back. I try to do right by my kids but there again, never do as much as others seem to do.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mother’s Day for so many a reminder of the good, bad and ugly, or any sort of combination for those who have memories. Certainly a day of mixed emotions for so many of us. I wish we all had positive relationships with our parents. My mother passed in 2002 and I remember her everyday.
    I’m sorry that our children don’t set aside a little time to simply say hello any day of the year.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I had a wonderful day with G on our 35th anniversary yesterday. Daughters called, the eldest several times. I am grateful. My mother was much like yours and was very angry with me because I could not seem to learn. I understand now too. You will probably think me cruel, but it is a kindness she died at 85 after years of battling cancers of one sort or another.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would never judge. 85 is a good age to live.

      Delete
  4. Personally I think all mother-daughter relationships are a bit complicated. Same with father-son relationships. My mom and I were very different, but despite it all, we loved each other. She passed in 2008 at 94 and I still miss her and wish we could have been closer. Lucky for me my daughter and I are very much alike and get along wonderfully. As for Mother's Day, I'm not into a lot of celebration. Just having our 3 kids text or call is plenty. Sending flowers or taking us out to eat is nice and I certainly appreciate it, but it's not necessary.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mother's Day has its own baggage for many of the reasons you give. Frankly, I believe male or female, anyone that mothers others, is a mother. While giving birth does have a strong bond, my saying goes...Love is born in the heart, not the blood. Our souls know the difference.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My son and daughter both wished my a happy mother's day but we get together on another day. We don't like to go out on mother's day because everyone else is doing it and we don't like to battle traffic and crowds. It just seems more relaxed to wait a couple of days -- how introverts celebrate. Maybe I could write a book about it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. We are blessed to still have Grandma (my mother, my children's grandmother), and we would not miss spending every holiday with her for anything.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hope every had a good day whatever they were doing.

    ReplyDelete
  9. We are low key about Mother's Day, but my daughter and I decided to have a BBQ lunch early in the day at my house and then watch our televised soccer match together. I was fortunate to have my two children and my two grandchildren here just to spend time together. It was good.

    ReplyDelete
  10. We will celebrate Mother’s Day later this month when we can all get together. This is a common practice for us since our daughter does shift work. We celebrations are never restricted to a date.

    ReplyDelete
  11. The weather cooperated with us, and we all had a nice sit in the park with bagels and coffee followed by ice cream.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My children are both gone before me, but they still linger in my memories. My dear friend Lily, whose mother is in Guatemala, adopted me for Mother's Day and took me out for a lovely breakfast. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is truly the meaning of MOther.

      Delete
  13. I agree with you. I feel it is important not to "guilt" our children into making them feel bad if they don't fulfill our wishes. They have their own lives and it is true they are very busy. I even took the initiative to call one of my children who texted me her greeting so that SHE could feel she did a little more...lol. And....I often felt that in my church, when they have mothers stand for a blessing, that some women who couldn't have children for one reason or other, might feel sad. I would like to not stand and just have the prayer said without singling out moms. We do have mass intentions for deceased mothers and this could work either way, for the faults and good done by mothers, in a humorous or real way! Andrea

    ReplyDelete
  14. Mother's Day certainly gets more difficult to deal with as time goes by! I get many misty moments! Growing up she always seems to be in your way n press your biggest anger buttons, but after her departure you see her n her sacrifices so differently! She did really make me into a better person, so did the school she made me attend, even tho I didn't see it until I was way older. I'm glad I got along well with her before she passed away, n after my father died. I was lucky I had time with her for that.

    Hopefully my own kids make it to this point of being reasonable after I am gone... Inflection about role of mother can be a good thing...

    ReplyDelete
  15. An interesting take on Mothers' Day. Your story pulls at heart strings. I must admit we don't over fuss on Mothers' day. My daughters live faraway but they do ring me and send flowers. My son also lives in another state and he sends me a card, which is quite nice because I didn't bring him up. He was adopted out when I was a teenager. I met him for the first time when he was 30.

    ReplyDelete
  16. My children are busy. The did squeeze me in and I was glad. Nothing like the Mother's Day we had for my mom and my grandmothers.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I had my children late in life. I am now 60 and they are only 22, 20, and 18; therefore, I am not waiting for grandchildren. :) Instead, I am heading into relief stage. Mother's Day (one friend calls it a Hallmark holiday, ie. ching ching $) is sweet and probably necessary for many to be reminded to let their mothers know that that they love them, so its a good thing. However, I've asked my family to forgive my lack of desiring tradition (church, overpriced cards, hectic restaurant lunches) and to let me relax with a newspaper or book and a Chipotle burrito.

    Thanks for sharing your story. It make me think about mine.

    ReplyDelete

Take your time...take a deep breath...then hit me with your best shot.