Friday, December 11, 2015

A Few Shades of Gray

We tend to disappear as we age.  Women notice it more  because our culture treats us like eye-candy from a young age.  In my 40's I was beginning the process of becoming more gray in fading glory.  I had to be more aggressive getting a clerk's attention in the store and more bold pulling away from the boring corner at the party and being included in the conversation in the middle of the room.  Families  love grandma, but tend to move in groups around her, rather than include her in the conversation...in SOME families.  Thus I am becoming gray.  I was a bit miffed this vacation when the 4-year-old didn't want to kiss me good-bye because he only kissed members of  his family!  He looked a little stunned when I had to explain I was his grandma!  His nickname for me is not grandma.   I tend to blame this on my son-n-law who is very, very, close to his family and I am guessing makes it clear to his children who they are and not so much who we are.  I  am assuming he  didn't know my husband was grandpa either.  We do see these kids several times a year!

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment.  I have been going to this dentist for almost a decade since I moved down here.  He has two receptionists.  One is the smallest of little elder ladies with short cut dishwater brown hair and a tentative smile.  The other is a very large elderly woman with blonde hair who  has a small jewelry display on the counter in front of her which she sells.  The large woman was behind the counter when I entered.  She was dealing with making an appointment for another woman.  The reception area  is small and so I sat on the nearby wooden loveseat. and waited.

As I was waiting an elderly woman came in and very slowly made her way through the door.  Her movements were careful and tentative.

The receptionist finished with the other patient and looked over at me and said "Name?"  I gave her my name wondering why she never knew me?  "You DO have an appointment?"  she then asked.  I made some comment about just loving dentists and dropping by anyway over the holidays...snark!  We both laughed and she input my arrival into the computer.  She looked up at the elder woman and said hello to her by name and entered her into the computer.  A few minutes later another woman came in and sat down and the receptionist greeted her by name and then logged her in.  I sat and read my new book on poetry and still was a little miffed that she did not know my name, but I barely remembered hers----names are a big failing on my part as I age.

A man came in next and she greeted him by name.  I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with my personality, demeanor, appearance that I was  the only stranger in this reception room.  I  was in a bit of a funk now because I was remembering that people usually remember my husband when we go somewhere, yet if I am alone, they often do not remember me!

And I as I thought about this,  I realized it was NOT an elder thing.  It was not because I was  a lovely shade of  camouflage gray.  This anonymous thing has been  true most of my life.  I  would just brush it off during those busy years.  I remember once being introduced to someone who had actually been to my house for dinner but was a passing acquaintance over the years.  I was younger then and remembered him!

I guess  we all like to be memorable to people.  We like to be known as the "humorous " one  or the "charming" one or the "intelligent" one.  (I am sometimes remembered as "hubby's" wife.)

Yes, of course I have people who know me on sight, thank goodness.  But it is most disheartening to be the gray person in the room at various times.  I mean I WAS the Prom Queen in  high school and the editor of the school annual---it was a very small  school.  How far the great have fallen!


20 comments:

  1. Is that what's supposed to make us so *@&# philosophical and wise when we get older? Learning that we're only incidental? Balderdash.

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  2. I have to admit that when I was younger, I seldom noticed the older generation. I was always polite but didn't really want to engage them. Now I am one of the invisible in society, but not in my family unit, at least, so far. I feel loved by those that matter, and well, the rest, I forget their names also.

    The people who were noticed at the dentist's office probably spend more time there. Not being remembered there is probably a good thing.

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  3. I smile as I read this.
    On my father's side of the family no one turned grey,
    on my mother's side all had beautiful white hair and this was my desire.
    So I still have 90% dark hair and do highlights to make the gray look better
    then what ever is coming through.
    Some places I go
    it is what you experience
    and then other places
    because of cane in hand
    seems I am offered help..

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  4. Are you short? I wonder if being tall comes with some advantages. Also if someone has unique features (I have a large nose) possibly people remember them more. I have long gray hair and that also makes me different for being my age. I keep hearing about this anonymous time coming but it hasn't hit me yet but maybe being big is a plus in that situation...

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  5. I think one of the best things about finally becoming an adult was considering myself an equal to all the adults no matter their age. as a young adult, whenever I was out with a group or with a girlfriend, I never got the attention of the guys, my girlfriend always did though. I wasn't a great beauty but I was fairly attractive so I always attributed it to being very small breasted. and being shy. that changed after my 'trial' marriage. I became more aggressive and am so still today. as a result, I don't feel invisible the way so many other older women do. of course I don't get the attention of the young males and why would any of us older women? but I don't allow myself to be invisible in their company either. it's too bad about your son-in-law. I have a similar problem with my daughter-in-law though not about grandkids as they are childless but as being a part of my son's family. she would prefer never having to socialize with us I think.

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  6. I hear you on this one. Last winter a single lady friend said we should go to the senior center to pick up men...but I, of course, would have to die my hair red! I have no intentions of dying my hair red or any other color and I told her I was not in favor of the senior center idea either because I was looking for a young man. That dying my hair red things still gets to me!

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  7. Oh, you make me laugh. I've become a grey woman too. During the 1960's and early 70's, I was a mover and shaker. At least I thought I was through the affirmation of my friends. I think my downfall began when I refused to go to a state park opening because poor Pat Nixon was the ribbon cutter. LOL I think perhaps I am of more value as a thrift store worker today.

    I check on Advanced Style every day:

    http://advancedstyle.blogspot.com/

    Perhaps I can reconstruct myself as a grey but advanced style lady. :)

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  8. Yes, Mage, I would love to be one of those advanced style ladies...but they are city dressed. I want a version of advanced style for the country!

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  9. I have the reverse problem. People are always coming up to me and saying they think they know me, when they don't. I must have the face of someone who owes lots of people money.

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  10. My hair makes me noticed, and sometimes it's all people remember about me!

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  11. My hair is almost white now, but since I have let it grow longer, it seems to help in that regard. Perhaps I am perceived as a younger-thinking person because my hair is not severely short, as many are.

    At the end of my business life, I noticed more and more that younger colleagues tended not to look at nor talk to me. I became irrelevant to them, due to advanced age. What a crock - they should be looking up to me as someone with more experience than they.

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  12. We do not have grandchildren yet, so we have to be content with being ignored by our own children.

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  13. Hmmm. I think I was invisible when I was in highschool, but I tend to command attention now when I want it, which is only sometimes. Thought provoking.

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  14. Tom,

    You have given me the best laugh of the day with your comment!

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  15. Maybe it's because you are the observant type. I tend to barge in and put myself in the middle of things, so I do get attention.

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  16. I have gone through my adult years being known as Sue's husband.

    As for being seen differently as we age, I have, once or twice, had ladies hold the door for me, and I have been called "Dear." Sheesh!

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  17. I can certainly relate to feeling invisible at times. And it is weird to me since I spent so much of my time on stage in my teens and twenties. I was "known". Well. I was a "popular" person in college and after. Then I got married to a smart, successful, handsome attorney, stayed home with my kids, and started to fade. It doesn't help that I am naturally introverted (a fact that stuns many when I say that because I ACT like I'm an extrovert but it pains me greatly). I don't put myself out there much. Anyway, everyone is always impressed with the hubby and his career, and his athleticism, and his charm, and his blah, blah, blah. ;) Me being on stage with the kids this past year in the school musical was funny. People were "shocked" that I have a "hidden" talent. It was very interesting to see their reactions. Ditto when I play basketball with my kids at school (after a basketball game sometimes people just shoot around and I love to join in). I am a fairly athletic person and people always seemed shocked that I am good at basketball. Or when I got suckered into heading up decorations for the Halloween party at school and decorated the entire cafeteria by myself (no one else signed up to help me out) and everyone thought they were the best decs ever. So funny.
    Anyway, it is weird to have this invisible feeling. But, for some odd reason it doesn't normally bother me. Maybe because, like I said, I am an introvert and I like it when people mostly just leave me alone. ;)

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  18. I guess I haven't worried about people not knowing my name because I have a terrible time remembering theirs. The idea about the grandchildren worries me because we'll be seeing our grandson only once a year. Sigh. We see our granddaughter through Skype so she knows us very well. I guess that's what we'll have to encourage with our grandson although his dad (our son) is not as good as our daughter about maintaining communication. I'm so sorry about this sadness you're going through right now.

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  19. This post made me smile and to feel guilty! I have a mild form of "face blindness" so I don't only have the problem many people have of not remembering names but I don't even recognise people I've met several times. I've found the best action is to smile at everybody as if I know them... to avoid hurting any feelings. On just starting to read your blogs, you have a way with words that is definitely memorable! I'm so sorry you are feeling sad but how wonderful it is that you have this talent with writing.

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  20. Sounds like you'd like to go back to Center Stage attention sometimes!
    I'm afraid if I cut my hair, no one will recognize me...

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