Sunday, March 27, 2011

Marriage


I have been married (to the same man) for 40+ years. No, I actually do not know the exact number give or take a year and I am not going to look it up and my husband is now asleep, so sue me.  I do know that we have had a pretty good run.  As most people who are past middle age realize, marriage is rarely about romance.  Oh yes, romance is nice, but it is not the normal state of affairs.  Actually, too much romance in a marriage would make me suspicious.  We have had our bad times, but there was only one year, two decades ago, when we came close to drifting apart completely.  He did a very bad thing and I decided, with time, it wasn't all that bad and with some marriage counseling we came through to the other side and I am so glad we are where we are today.

Ours is not a perfect marriage, but perfect marriages are undefinable to me anyway.  There are days when I have polished the kitchen to an unnatural shine and in his minute of fixing a snack it has been returned to an elementary school lunchroom.  There are days when I remind of him of something important or ask him to do something important that only he can do, and he still forgets because it is not his priority causing me frustration.  There are events where he talks too much about his interests, reveals too much personal stuff to strangers, or makes me wait alone for an hour while he finishes up something.  There are days when he says he wants to cook dinner, but doesn't even enter the kitchen until almost 7:00 P.M.  There are days when the time spent on this "business project" of his seems like eons.

But these are all in contrast to his telling and showing me he loves me (on occasion),  helping me with my projects, going with me on my errands, watching some film noir with me (which he hates), letting me have control of the remote, putting up with my blogging (which to him is like reading cartoons), loving our children totally, and living peacefully with my anal retentive sense of organization.  The above is also balanced with his love of the outdoors, his efforts to be active and healthy and to encourage me to do the same, and his intelligent sense of humor.

But a blogger posted this link which oddly brought tears to my eyes, because the woman in the video is my husband.  That is how he feels about the world.  He feels responsible.  His philosophy is that every big change begins with that first step and there is no need for recognition.  He does this when he is all alone in the woods and no one is watching!  

24 comments:

  1. Congrats on a successful and encouraging marriage! Wonderful tribute to you both!!
    Yes marriage is all those things and I am another lucky one who has one as well. 37 years worth of ups and downs and thrills and spills and pure joy!!
    Hugs
    SueAnn

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  2. As you may know, we have been married for close to 47 years - and you have described it perfectly.

    I would love to have that link to which you refer!

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  3. Congratulations on achieving a 'normal' marriage, happy and contented most of the time, appreciative of each other, willing to compromise, respecting each other and each a bit lost without the other.

    I watched the link, it's amazing how many people walked past the bottle! This must have been set up, surely?

    I also read your previous post. I join you in not being a joiner, absolutely. Ask me to do something and I'll gladly do it. Ask me to join some body or other to do it and I won't.

    The followers business is a very strange thing. So many people follow without leaving a return address, so I can't even see who they are unless I "join" up with them first. I don't want to do that.

    At the moment I am seriously debating whether blogging has any real use at all. My posts are less interesting (if they ever were) and I am running out of steam. Reading many blogs is just a matter of 'not wanting to hurt feelings' but I don't get anything out of them. Just like you say.

    What to do? Cartoons blogs are not, cartoons can make me laugh. But a waste of time on occasion? Hm.

    The jury is out. Trouble is, I'm hooked.

    When you comment on my posts, you often appear to be taking the mickey, as they say here. Is that so?
    The problem with blogging is that you can't see the body language or hear the tone of voice. I never use lol, hate it, in fact. But I'm sure my comments can occasionally be read as serious when I am just being silly.

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  5. what makes love very interesting is it can make you accept both the worst and the best in a person.

    btw, i just said "i do" yesterday. :D

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  6. An absolute compelling description of marriage. Just perfect.

    Sometimes I think it's in this stage of life we begin to recognize the things in a marriage that really matter.

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  7. Your marriage sounds like what most people aspire to.. whether they realize it or not. That flash mob video was a kick.

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  8. Never thought I would be without, but after 42 years of marriage (most of them interesting) I am. No tears, it was my choice, and the right one. We are both happier people now. Years are not the thing, respect is.
    Congrats on your solid marriage.

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  9. 19 when I married the first time. That marriage lasted 9 years. 52 when I married the second time and had matured enough to know that marriage is not an easy thing. It is hard work full of sacrifice and differences and all worth every challenge. If only we could teach young people the need to wait for a rewarding yet difficult partnership. Meanwhile, the video has taught me never to pick up that plastic bottle because that explosion of applause and cheers would definitely give me a heart attack.

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  10. This is fun!

    Taking the Mickey = making gentle fun of someone, pulling their leg. In a nice way. Like Teasing.

    What is "you have me pegged?"

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  11. Congratulations on your 40+ years of successful marriage; it takes patience and commitment to make that happen for sure.

    I watched the link and found the flash mob applause to be supremely satisfying! I absolutely believe that many people walked past the bottle, and around the bottle without recycling it. But when there are those like your husband who believe that every little act counts, that is very re-affirming.

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  12. i am a newly-married person ... it'll be two years this august .. so i cannot talk about what it's like to live with anyone (besides myself) for longer than a decade or two. but that said, i am lucky that my spouse married me because he wanted companionship, so i didn't feel pressure to be/do/look as anything other than myself. granted, that's a big burden too, but at least it's something i might accomplish, since i am the world's expert ...

    lovely video, by the way. i think i might use it as tomorrow morning's video on my Guardian blog ... (with a hat tip to you, of course!)

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  13. I like the photo you added for this post. Marriage is definitely not all romance but I do believe that passion in a marriage can last. Congrats on 40 + years. That's a great accomplishment.

    I'm surprised how many people walked past that bottle before that woman actually picked it up. Today I was at the grocery store and saw a package of flour tortillas on the floor. This lady was looking at the bread on the shelf and stepped over the flour tortillas to grab the loaf she wanted and then walked off. It really made me mad. I went over and picked up the tortillas and put them back on the shelf. People can be really lazy and nonchalant.

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  14. I would have died of embarrassment if that were me in the video. Her face didn't even seem to turn red.

    I have a sister who has been married 40 + years. And one who has been married 30 + years. The other two are divorced.

    Me, I never married. I was the sounding board for my sisters and I told myself long ago - I didn't want any part of that.

    Here's to smooth sailing for the rest of your years together! :)

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  15. My Mama used to tell me, "Don't try to save the whole world - just reach out for a hand and help those you can touch." Her way of saying, act globally, think locally :)

    I've been divorced longer than I was ever married but I don't regret the years of trying.

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  16. Nice write up, tabor.

    Loved the last para. :-)

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  17. When I was single I wanted to be married. When I was married I wanted to be single. When I finally learned that no one could complete me, that I enough, I was ready to be married again.

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  18. Marriage definitely is not easy, most meaningful relationships aren't. But your blog post reminds me of the beauty in the every day things. I had to laugh at your husband's opinion of blogging.

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  19. Thanks for sharing that beautiful post about marriage.

    Like you said "marriage is rarely about romance."

    I think that's where young people make a mistake - they seem to think that once the romance goes out the door, they should go out the door too.

    We know better.

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  20. Sometimes I feel like all of life is a test and we are always being watched. I guess some people call that God.

    I will be passing that video on! Your husband sounds like someone I know.

    I didn't get tears in my eyes but I did get a BIG smile.

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  21. I have to come back and reread this. You stir me up.

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  22. I would put up with all the minor irritations that go with marriage for a man who felt responsible and would pick up trash.

    I am anal retentive and when I see something that someone has left in the wrong place in the supermarket, I return it to it's rightful spot. I know there are people who are paid to do that, but it's just my nature.

    Anyone who has been married for very long know that it takes compromise and ignoring irritations to make it work. I used to remind myself that I wasn't perfect and did things that drove my husband nutty. That's how I endured some of his frustrating habits.

    He has been gone for 27 years and I now find myself doing some of things he used to do that drove me 'up a wall.' The irony of life.

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  23. Oh, my, Tabor. This brought tears to my eyes, as I have two daughters going through painful divorces, mostly because, so far as I can determine, both husbands don't understand the marriage/romance relationship. So many people don't, but as you say, while romance is wonderful, it isn't the grist of marriage. You nailed it.

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