Wednesday, December 01, 2010

The Ship of Life


(My prior post was about shipwrecks...so I will continue the theme.)

Life is something that has its own energy and schedule and pace even though we think we can control this ship of state fate.  We are here only as passengers on this ride, and while we try to steer the ship as best as possible, we are not aware of hidden shoals or unpredictable zephyrs that will delay our progress or throw us way way off course.

The stylish lady in the photo above was my mother-in-law.  The gentle beauty on her face reveals what a good and generous person she was.  She grew up in a small town in Michigan.  Her parents ran a sometimes successful photography shop with her father giving his work away and her mother holding customers strictly to paying their bills.  This dance between the two of them provided a reasonable income for the family and respect in the community.  She also had a younger brother.  As a teenager she probably had the best start in life that anyone could ask for.  Her life was like a Mickey Rooney movie.

But her ship was destined to go through a number of perfect storms. After high school she used her lovely singing voice and sang for several large mid-west orchestras before she went on the vaudeville road.  While in vaudeville she met and married another singer whose love of alcohol destroyed the marriage.  This was a terrible embarrassment during that time as divorce was something discussed only in whispers.  Then another hidden shoal, a goiter, brought her singing career to an abrupt halt.  She returned home broken but unbowed to help her father in his shop.  Her second husband (my husband's father) fell in love with her photograph when dropping off some film and pursued her until she married him.

He had been married before and had three children.  His first marriage broke up violently and his drinking probably contributed to that.  My mother-in-law was not going to give up on another marriage and stuck by his violent outbursts and his frequent job changes and many moves, and in her late thirties gave birth to my husband.  My husband was the golden child doted on by both parents and probably very much the reason the marriage held together.  She also became a binge drinker when life got too stressful and after her son moved to college which contributed to bringing fog to the years as she aged.

During this time her only brother, who had married and had a daughter, was badly beaten in a robbery in California and his brain was so damaged that he never returned to full mental capacity leaving his family to struggle through poverty.  There were rumors that he had been visiting a prostitute at the time.  It broke my M.I.L.'s heart.

A decade later after her mother's death (the stronger soldier in the parental unit) my mother-in-law had to put her father in a rest home in Virginia because her husband could not bear to see him aging and would not let him live with them.  She was very close to her father and this must have been almost unbearable for her to drop him off among strangers so far from what both of them knew as home.

Years past and I met her as the single daughter-in-law.  I knew my own mind and my independence was probably a little strange to her.  Within weeks after the birth of my first child I watched her go through some serious heart surgery and then a few years later watched her manage the 24-hour care of her husband who had emphysema from his years of smoking.  She survived in spite of our fear that she would pass first.  After she was widowed she came to live near us, and then eventually moved in with us, as her dementia set in.  I am of the opinion that dementia can bring blissful routine when yesterday's tragedies are pretty much forgotten.

The last years of her life as she stayed with us, she was sure she was visiting with her brother and his wife and going home as soon as she felt better.  We went along with the painful charade because she was a very special person and it was easier that way.  Perhaps her life would have been much different if just one of those storms went off-track.  But, then again, perhaps not.

18 comments:

  1. Wow, what a life. So tragic. One never knows what they can (or have to) endure.

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  2. Not shipwreck, just life.

    She may have had an (un)-fair share of brickbats but she survived them all and never gave up. She was a strong character with faults we all share but, like not all of us, she had the determination to make the best of it.

    I would actually see her as an example for those following her, someone to be proud of.

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  3. Amazing story of her life. So tragic! One never knows the storms that will come up in ones' life. Hers was quite traumatic. And that she came through it all...wow!!
    You are right...the dementia probably gave her mind some peace.
    Thanks for sharing her story.
    Hugs
    SueAnn

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  4. That is so poignant, Tabor. What a beauty she was and how sad that she and her marriages deteriorated so badly.

    Come back to the blog; I edited to answer your questions and added some in the comments too.

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  5. The poor woman certainly had her share of distress. It was good of you to take her in and care for her. We all need someone like that in our lives.

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  6. Tabor, what a story. Strength, courage, sad and happiness - all touched this special life.
    What a beautiful picture and memories to leave your grandchildren.
    You write so beautifully - you should write a book!!. I will buy them all :)
    Thank you for sharing.

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  7. You honor her by sharing her story. One never knows the whole truth of others' lives. Her lovely photograph does not speak to her struggles. My mother has always been a difficult person but her dementia has rendered her more bearable. :)

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  8. Oh, what an intersting post. She sounds like a very strong woman. How amazing of you to take her into your home during the last years of her life. Dementia and alzheimer's can be a very devastating disease to the family.
    Thank you for sharing this with us. What a wonderful tribute to your mother-in-law.

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  9. Yes, for his last years, our friend Duck lived in happy dimentia also. Yes, too, she was truly a lovely young woman. Thank you for this wonderful portrait.

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  10. She looks so beautiful and you write her story with such care. I especially like what you say about Alzheimer's.

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  11. The trials behind the serene photos are almost always there. Tragic and difficult as they are, I think they mold us into the rich, deep people we become. I have not met many people who have had trouble-free lives. Just a few. And they all seemed ephemeral, shallow, and lifeless. Sometimes when I am feeling self-pity about something my friends tell me to make a gratitude list. It is amazing how many so-called negative things end up being things I'm grateful for in the long run.

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  12. What an excellent post. I agree about dementia sometimes being a blessing.

    My father lived with us after my mother's death. Every evening he set the table for breakfast. That was his routine in their home. Every evening after he went to bed I put mother's dishes back in the cabinet. Come morning he no longer remembered setting the table for her.

    Every evening when I came home from work I had to talk him into staying one more night with us. He always had a few clothes wrapped in a blanket and wanted me to take him home so he could be at the toolhouse (he was a railroader) early the next morning.

    That was our routine for the 13 months he lived after my mother died.

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  13. I'm glad you knew her and cared. Your both special women.

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  14. RYN: Oh No, not even for all the back pay in the world. He's volumes happier here and is making far more money.

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  15. RYN: Thank you so much for that information on Picasa. I found that if I use the editor and upload from my computer, that's where they put the pictures. Most were from our early days, and I have managed to delete 2 albums one picture at a time. I and others haven't figured out how to delete whole albums yes, I can probably use the editor several thousand more times before I need to delete more contents from Picassa. Since I usually do my own coding, that leaves my husbands shots on Picassa. We are fine now....thanks to you.

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  16. What a sad life she had. One divorce is hard enough but two - so many tragic things happened in her life.

    One of the good things that happened in her life was that you took her in when she needed your love and your care.

    And what a beautiful looking woman!

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  17. A poignant story, but not an altogether sad one. Her beauty, her voice, her son...all triumphs. I appreciate what you say about dementia bringing about a blissful routine, and I am in awe of your ability to take her into your household. wow.

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  18. What an incredibly touching post today....beautiful, heartfelt sentiments about a special lady.

    Thank you for sharing this....
    xoxo

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Take your time...take a deep breath...then hit me with your best shot.