I was thinking of compliments the other day. Perhaps as a result of my submitting my blog to that site for review. Why do we we want them? How do we get them? How we treasure them! Can we trust them? I am not a good person for compliments...getting them, that is. I do not receive them gracefully and I rarely believe them in full. I am a reasonable cynic, although, I, of course, think that is being a realist. Perhaps because my mother was very sparse in handing out compliments to her children. She was an expert on the criticism sharing I remember. I also think I am not a generous person with compliments. If I give one, it usually has a pretty solid kernel of truth in it, or I will not give a compliment just to make someone feel better. Unless, of course, they need one for survival at that time in their life.
My FB friends are most generous when commenting on my photos. I love that they love the photographs that I post. But it IS like having loving friends comment. Your friends always praise your work because they like you and want to be nice and want you to succeed or they are friends of your children and have been raised to be polite and do not really care enough about you to criticize you. Your FB friends are complimentary because only the jokes can be derogatory. Perhaps, they do not want to be de-friended if they were too honest! An FB friend said my photos reminded him of Ansel Adams. That compliment only made me smile, because I knew it wasn't true. It wasn't even close. But, it was a friendly, well-meant exaggeration.
Bloggers are most gracious in posting about my photos and my writing. Their comments truly warm my soul, especially when I know many of them are far better with the camera or the computer keyboard than I could ever hope to be. Some of them even make a living at it, the writing or photography---not giving compliments. Therefore, while I get a big smile when I read these compliments, I also feel deep in my soul that they would never qualify their remarks with a dose of harsh honesty or even gentle criticism. So, of course, they are only left with agreeing or praising me or perhaps reading my blog in stony white silence..."if you can't say anything nice..."
But, real compliments are the best when they come un-expected. Sometimes they are wordless and just the expression on someone's face, such as the time my 16-year-old son failed to shift gears successfully on the Bronco going up the inclined driveway, and I took the driver's seat and did it quite easily. I wish I had had a camera, because I had never seen that look in his eyes before. Admiration from a child (especially a teenager) is golden.
I overheard my daughter talking to one of her friends when they were deciding how to get pictures at the swim fun day. She suggested asking me because she said 'my mom is a semi-professional at it.' Gold, pure gold.
When my husband goes back for seconds at some experimental dish I have tried, I think that is a lovely compliment. He usually says something about how good it is...but he says that often when I cook. When he gets seconds I know he really likes it.
Yesterday, the oven repair men (young) said that I was a really nice lady when talking to me about working out the warranty issues with the company. I somehow felt they really meant it because they had nothing to gain from me and it made me feel good about working at my negotiating skills over my life.
I wonder how other bloggers feel about comments, compliments and criticisms. Do you need to be prepared or can anyone bring it on if it is honest and helpful?
I could relate to so many of your comments in this post. Compliments used to be very important to me but I managed to set that "almost" aside when told the only person it is important for me to please is myself. I was fortunate to claim a friend in Ken Jackson, an Oklahoma writer and former newspaper editor and lecturer. He told me: 1.) If you write, you are a writer. 2.) The best thing you can do to keep your unique style is get out of the classroom. 3.) If you write something that pleases you, set it aside for three months and then come back to it. If you still like it, it's good. If you don't, then pitch it.
ReplyDeleteI use those rules for my writing and for my art work. I find myself more comfortable every day with those guidelines and I'm actually able to rejoice on many occasions over my own work. Well if someone else likes it too, that is just icing on the cake.
Interesting topic! I think we love blogging because most people respond with kindness. Usually, if they leave a comment at all, it's because they want to befriend us, in some capacity. It's a neighborly act, of sorts. Nothing about blogging forces you to respond or even leave comments. Some of the blogs i follow, commercial ones, from professional artists or decorators, are just shop windows to display wares and services. They appreciate a comment now and then, but they don't need it.
ReplyDeleteMost of us find joy in writing; and any comment is most pleasurable.
So, in summary, great post, Tabor. Your new look on this blog is fabolous too.
You know Tabor, you are better than you think at compliments: when you visit a blog your comments are always full of thoughtful recognition, which is honest-and better than exaggerated praise. This kind of feedback is one of the best things about blogging.
ReplyDeleteAnd your photo today is beautiful, perfect for the text.
You are right about blogger friends always saying nice things. A person can pretty much count on that. I am not a great writer, but do enjoy photography, so if a stranger stops by my blog to say they like a shot, that makes me feel good.
ReplyDeleteI loved what you had to say about your family. You can count on what you see and hear at home being genuine.
Not a compliment - just a fact that I relate to so much you say and you always please me, put a smile on my fact and sometimes make me think!!! with your comments.
ReplyDeleteI do know that you and Cate are the reason I began having an interest in taking nature images.
Just a fact.....thank you.
I have a problem with compliments, I very rarely believe them. The sort you mention as coming from your family, yes, they are meant and honest, I'd probably believe them.
ReplyDeleteBut bloggers' compliments, particularly the extravagant kind, well, hm, no, not really.
On the other hand, when I make a compliment, I always mean it. Even on blogs. Because I don't often praise anything fulsomely, people can believe what I say. I don't know about FB, I'm not really interested. Yet. Instead of paying quick compliments I'd rather ask questions or make a comment directly relating to the subject matter of the post.
Although I enjoy blogging and having blogging friends, I wouldn't take everything in blogland for nothing but the truth.
As my grandmother used to say, "I love to hear it, even though I know it isn't true."
ReplyDeleteDon't we all love compliments - even when we suspect that they are hype and perhaps not really sincere?
I used to qualify everything with "but". Not healthy. Now days I do better but am still disbelieving. Perhaps I don't even see them or read them. G is very sparing with complements, and I often curse his uptight family for their lack of communication on all fronts. I'm learning tho.
ReplyDeleteA thoughtful post that makes me consider what kind of comments readers post. Possibly people will comment according to their own mood, and hopefully will keep the bad ones to themselves. I can't remember being insincere or even seeing much of that around, but maybe that is because of the blogs I am interested in reading. It is also good to recognise commentators - like becoming part of a community. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAll true. I love compliments but I grow from criticism. Actually I have an unexpected compliment for you. Quite some time ago,I wrote something on a blog (I don't remember exactly what it was now) and you commented that maybe I was just trying to build more followers. It stung when I read it. But it made me think more about blogging and honesty and being me. And I started following your blog much more closely. At least I think that is a compliment. Yes?
ReplyDeleteSometimes I find that I take a compliment too lightly and offend the person giving it. It's a balancing act, isn't it?
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A sincere compliment can make your day. A criticism that is meant to be helpful can save your day. Both have their place, but gushing insincerity or hurtful barbs given in the form of criticism can stay with you forever.
ReplyDeleteOf the two, I would prefer an insincere compliment rather than a hurtful criticism. At least the person who complimented you meant well. (At least one would hope so.)
it's that kernal of truth that resonates, isn't it? I tend to believe the ones that sound like an Oh! of delight, as though the small gasp couldn't be helped :)
ReplyDeleteTabor, I have to tell you about one of the philosophys that I truly can say I live by and that I drilled into my children's heads when they were growing up.
ReplyDeleteI would say to them: "If you think something nice about someone, and you don't tell them, it becomes a 'dead' thought. And what good does that do anyone?
I have forced myself to tell people when I think nice things about them. At first it wasn't easy, but now I am very good at it and if they look at me funny, I explain about my philosophy.
Because you never really know. Your words might be the turning point in someone's really crappy day. It might be the highlight in someone else's. It might make someone smile, but one thing it won't do, is make someone feel bad. So what do you have to lose? Nothing! So do it.
Like I said, if you "THINK" something good about someone - you're not doing anything but relaying the truth by telling them.
On another note - I have a hard time receiving compliments, and maybe people can see that, but later on, when I'm alone... I smile to myself about them. :)
The comments do mean a lot to me.. and my bloggie readers are always very kind, warm, funny and sweet. Almost always, anyway. I think we all know a genuine compliment when we hear it.. which may or may not be intertwined with truth. Sincerity is the key.. to me, you always are.
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