Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Interregnum

A lovely sunset last night on the river

I have been thinking much more lately of my parents. I try not to miss that they are gone and that I no longer have time to build a closer relationship with them. Perhaps it is the pictures of my childhood that I have retrieved that is pushing me on this backward journey. In several photos my mother is younger than I am today...that grabs my mind and heart and makes me a little dizzy. She looks fresh and happy. I do not remember her that way. I know that if she was in front of me right now we would get off on one of those stilted conversations where she makes me feel less than I am. One of those conversations where she is the grand martyr and I am the self-centered daughter. I love(d) her, but she could be an energy sump to be with. I am trying to accept the flow of the river of time. If I dwell too long I make myself sad and that doesn't accomplish anything.

There is a common idea that if we could go back in time we might better appreciate the moments with the wisdom we have since gained. Well, I realize that is a fallacy. I am watching my grandchildren grow and change like cornstalks in the field after a rain. I am aware of the moments when I am with them and I appreciate every second, but time still rushes on by and they still are growing and changing faster than I can deeply grasp. It is not about wisdom gained with experience. It is about realizing that we cannot slow down time. We cannot pace our lives as we wish. Having time to reflect and understand only helps a little. We still will make mistakes and have regrets no matter how wise we have become.

Life is like a river. It rushes dangerously fast in some places, then goes slowly and peacefully (or dully) in others. We are just along for the ride and try though we might, we miss much stuff in communication and relationships and understanding how others are truly feeling. We try to put ourselves in their place, but the river quickly pushes us on to somewhere else and we must process all over again that new color in the water and that new ripple.

I guess that there are people who know this truth most of their life. They do not waste time second guessing a decision or a relationship. But, I think for most of us, it is a crazy journey and we cannot really see the destination as well as we would like. It is a far way ahead and it will be whatever it is when we get there. We hope that we will understand it and recognize its meaning, and find it is something we can accept but hope is all we get at this turn in the river.

17 comments:

  1. There is a sort of river of things passing into being,
    and Time is a violent torrent;
    no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place,
    and this too will be swept away.

    Marcus Aurelius AD 121-80

    or, as somebody else said, you never step into the same river twice.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am wondering also if "progress" is making this life even more crazy. It feels like we just don't slow down and appreciate the journey sometimes. It is exhausting.

    Beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Friko, that is a nice quote and fits perfectly with what I was trying to say. I think it was Heraclitus that said that about a river.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous8:15 AM

    I love your view of both the river literal and figurative. The way you have expressed this is wonderfully descriptive and apt.
    I enjoy and appreciate, very much, your insights on this journey Tabor.
    xxsm

    ReplyDelete
  5. Communication, relationships and time are all difficult to understand. There are periods of turbulence like a rushing river and they are the most difficult, of course.

    I think mother-daughter relationships are the hardest. Different personalities, a different generation and two women make for conflict. But daughters can be our best friends if we get past that.

    ReplyDelete
  6. In regard to your comment on my page, the answer is NOT even close!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Excellent observations, Tabor!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Lovely river photo and
    a post that makes me glad you are my blog friend.

    Thanks

    Chancy

    ReplyDelete
  9. A nice and thought provoking post Tabor. I was blessed with a dear sweet mother and I miss her every day.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Tabor, thanks for the visit. The answer to your question is - in this case - she brought a picture of a bouquet that she liked and that was my interpretation of it. It had to be changed a little, such as substituting callas for tulips, and leaving out carnations, but essentially it looks very much like the pic she brought.

    Most brides choose a style from my portfolio and then we discuss how best to do it in her color scheme.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I think we need constant reminders of how transient life is otherwise we take it for granted. It's all such a mystery not to be solved.

    I am shocked at how fast Bryce has grown in one year and how he will never be that baby again. Also why when we die as old people is old the way we are remembered?

    ReplyDelete
  12. What an interesting post! Very thought provoking. And the photo is beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  13. very interesting post....I miss my mother so. We did not have a completely harmonious relationship when I was young, but, as I aged, we got along better. I felt I should take care of her, she did for me....

    ReplyDelete
  14. So truly said--that we never know what's gonna come at the bend but always hope that it'll be good.
    Touching post. Thank ye :-)

    ReplyDelete
  15. You must have written this for me.
    I relate to it so well. Not until the last years of my mothers life were we "somewhat" close.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I love this post, Tabor. You have such insight and you describe life's journey so well. You have much to offer those wee ones. They lucked out with a wise grandma.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Your reflection is as beautiful as the sunset Tabor! :)

    ReplyDelete

Take your time...take a deep breath...then hit me with your best shot.