Killing time

Well, I have packed for at least a month's stay. It is very different to pack for a long time...I will be going to an old farmhouse which is somewhat isolated from the community. Therefore I have packed books, magazines, needlework, both of my cameras.

I am sure that I will have plenty to do at first, but when things start to fall into a routine, the time will move very slowly and painfully. Cooking will be a challenge as there is very little to work with and the appliances are on their last legs. At least the washer and dryer are new.

Tonight, we have ordered pizza and are waiting tonight for my daughter and her husband and my son to come by for a little Christmas. We will all be going different directions in the coming days and while we will all be together at my parents over the holidays that time will be more somber. Traffic is horrible, so they are delayed in getting here.

I am trying to keep my mind off of what lies ahead. I have no idea how long my mother has. My sister thinks it is about 8 weeks, but the doctors are saying maybe 6 months. It is so hard to plan what to do when you have no control over any of the plans. I leave tomorrow at 8:30 a.m. so will have to be at the airport at 6:30. I have two large suitcases (I usually travel very light), so hope I can check in at the curb and just take my backpack and purse on in.

Weather here is C-O-L-D! It will probably be the same in Colorado.

Pushing the Pause Button

Well, is does appear that I will be heading out to help set up the hospice for my mom on Thursday. They do not have a computer at the house or internet access, so looks like this little site will be on hold for a month maybe. If I get near a library I will blog or at my sister's house, but being its the holidays and being I am there for another reason, I am not planning on it.

So "toodles" to the few readers who may stop by ---until a later date.

Aren't we special?

Yes, I know, I got in at midnight last night and I got up at 6:00 this morning. Creature of habit that I am, I still wake up around 5:00 AM. I will probably crash this afternoon. But just had to add this new blog.

Taking advantage of the early morning quiet, I am getting rid of all the catalogs that make it to my mailbox. I have this delicious looking Godiva catalog...and was looking through the pretty pictures when I come across their insert:

"Complimentary Sampling and In-Store Theatre Events at Your Godiva boutique." The 'events' listed include "Peanut Butter-Dessert Cups" on 11/17 and the "Candy Cane Bark" on 12/12. Who writes this stuff?

Cher

Went to her concert last night. Pretty much sold out. The old broad can still bring them in. Her opening act was "The Village People' which I had thought were all gone or dead or something. Honestly. They were buff and energized and had the kind of music the audience could appreciate.

My son was kidding me about seeing all the transvestites and actually I thought that would be fun if there were some. But this audience was all over the place in age, and while there were gay guys, no transvestites that I could see. There were many old folks from suburbia--which is probably a little bit of a disappointment to her, since it shows her the reality of her age and how normal people her age really look.

Anyway, the only tickets I could get were up and away. I decided that I am too old to be sitting so far from the main stage. My eyesight just isn't good enough and of course, my memory is going so I forgot to bring binocs.

She didn't sing some of my favorites from the older days... she is probably sick of them, but she still has great pipes and a good bod and wonderful costumes. Her guitar player was fantastic, so all in all a good visit back in time for me.

Weather or Not

I have doctor's appointments today, so am not going into work. They are having one of the Christmas parties today at the office. I am sort of sorry to miss it, because it usually is fun, we all get along, and they sometimes have live music! No booze, but good food.

Weather has been close and clammy all week. If I were a romantic I would say that it is full of misty lace and cozy fog. If I were bipolar I would be in a deep funk as the sun has not shone for days. If I was an optimist, I would be happy because the temperature has been in the 50's and 60's which is pretty unusual for December in this area. But I am practical and realize that it is too wet to wear my favorite suede boots.

My husband, who hates the holidays almost as much as he hates shopping, said I should pick up something (anything...any cost) for my stocking today as he hasn't a clue what to get me. Boy I do know how to pick em.

Gotcha!

As I have mentioned in past blogs I had a younger sister who passed away almost three years ago from cancer. She left behind a husband and two children. The kids are now teenagers. They live on the other side of the continent from me and I have been able to visit almost yearly due to business trips. But due to my budget demise, I can no longer travel out that way.

They do get back into Colorado to visit the rest of the family once maybe twice a year, usually over the holidays.

When we recently went to visit them in California my husband realized that a close cousin of his actually lived just up the road from them. So we ALL went out to dinner together one night. We thought it would be good to get them together since my sister had passed recently. My brother-in-law while well known in his town is pretty much a quiet, stay at-home guy. He never emails us or calls.

Well, today I just got the Christmas card from my husband's cousins with following quote buried in the rest of the news (D is my brother-in-law):

"Saw D and his lady friend . I know her from dance class... smalltown. They seem to be quite an item."

What a surprise! I knew that some day he would get involved with someone else. He has quite a bit of money, so is a good 'catch.' I have mixed feelings about this and wonder how the kids feel, but I also am curious as hell about her...! I wonder if the rest of the family knows.... Interesting the gossip one gets in a Christmas card.

The old girl

Well, it appears that the old girl is going out on all pistons. Pretty much as she lived her life. She has a mass on her liver that is rapidly growing, she has kidneys that are failing and she is anemic so they think she is bleeding somewhere internally, although interminable tests cannot find where! What will eventually kill her and when, doctors don't know and if there is a God he is not talking.

I talked to my mom yesterday afternoon after they had given her two pints of blood. She was so chipper, talking so fast, and really upbeat. She can be a real curmudgeon so this was a blessing. My brothers and sisters far away are arranging the details of hospice care in one of their homes. I asked how I could help (other than fly out which I will do in the coming weeks) and they wanted me to look into the funeral arrangements. They are lost when it comes to this. I took the bull by the horns and did this for my sisters untimely death in California a number of years ago. It helped keep me busy and they always saw me as the bossy one ( come on, I'm not that bad) and so they were glad that I took over.

I will do so again this time. Get it in order and then run it by my Dad and everyone for the final say so.

I am sad but not depressed. My mother and I are close--but we have had our up days and our down days. I am not a favorite child. Unfortunately, she lost the favorite child to cancer. In addition, since I live so far from them, the space has brought about a different relationship than that which she has with my two other brothers and sisters. It is OK. Ten years ago there would have been lots of second thoughts and anger and guilt. But no more. As Buddha says, " What we think, we become."

Each time we meet with death and help someone we love through that passage, I know that we grow in wisdom. I just hope that I can be wise instead of stupid in this trial.

I have this little cheat

I can't get my thoughts together for blogging right now. My husband is at a late seminar and he has scheduled a medical X-ray for after the seminar late this evening...always the one to try to squeeze 13 activities into a crate for a dozen. When I turned on my cell phone to call him I found a message waiting for me that had come in a few hours earlier.

It was from my youngest sister. She has told me that the mass on my mother's liver is indeed growing fast and they are going to put her in hospice. They put her in the hospital this weekend. The medical staff never explored this mass due to her age --87--and her weakening kidneys and told us to hope for the best--that was back in September.

Now it appears that we are in the goodbye stage of this.

My cheat is this...I just can't call my sister back right now. I am waiting for my husband to call to pick him up so he doesn't miss his appointment. When he calls, my cheat is gone. I have to get on the stick and help Sis. I have to grow up.

Pre Season Short Shot Blog

I have found that I really enjoy the blogging whether anyone reads it or not. It has become a little bit of a creative escape for me. Helps give me perspective on my life, which I tend to view with a more critical eye until I go back and read my archives.

Anyway, today in A.M. I will start to decorate this rental house somewhat (going to get out of the PJs first) and then meet my daughter for setting up her baby registry and then driving back home and more decorating and then driving back to the same place to meet up with friends for an early dinner.

I still have to blog about the WPI interns reception last week...inspiring and also blog an update on L. at work. Also have been busy having fun with the Espresso Stories site. Really rewarding for us non-writers who like to write. Hope to blog in-depth tonight!