When one's life is a daily pain, one withdraws into oneself. There is no need to burden others, because they cannot share your weight. and they cannot really understand unless they have also opened a parcel and seen the same daunting burden and carried it in their life. This heavy amorphous sorrow is firmly attached and if torn away you will go screaming into black midnight blinded by tears because you become even more helpless with foolish understanding. What a frightening feeling to realize that no one can help. What a horrible feeling to realize you are not alone and your pain pierces the hearts of those you love. And to protect others you begin a list of secrets ... lies of omission. What a helpless feeling to realize that the pain is caused by someone you love more than life itself and you may use up what little power you have in that relationship before the carrying journey is over in so many tragic ways.
I have always loved stories of mystery, drama and love. I have been willing to fall into the escape of movies and books and sometimes even music. Now, when in the heart of the turn of the story/movie or crescendo of the Opera Seria, there is a sharp blood drawn reminder of some weakness/misery of one character that pulls me back into my reality and as if in a time warp I crash again to earth and I collapse in tears. I become a cloth that has been thrown.
I cannot accept sympathy of others, because my life has been so rich and lucky and unearned. Even now I watch the news and realize my pain is just a splinter among those who flee war, slavery or starvation. But I do now feel a filial relationship in the great migration of humanity looking for answers to "What's It All About?"
(Sorry this is so enigmatic. But it is what it is.)
I, too, feel my life has been filled with undeserved happiness and like you I feel for those less fortunate. Small mercies are all I seem capable of these days.
ReplyDeleteI hear you Tabor. Life can be heart breaking!
ReplyDeleteThere is deep pain, there is deeper joy, and i pray you find it.
ReplyDeleteLife often throws us a curve and we find ourselves thrown into where we don’t want to be. It is time for strength, but there is nothing wrong with crying either.
ReplyDeleteNo great insights from me, but I do wish you well, honestly.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your pain.
ReplyDeleteWish I could give you a hug.
ReplyDeleteSorry for your pain. It's been a hard autumn for me also. I don't know if sharing the reasons for the pain help. I am glad you gave the warning to read or not. I see a LOT online of people wanting others to share their pain but without the reasons. It's one of the drawbacks of the Internet that we share someone's pain without really knowing them or what it's about. I am not sure if that's healthy, but it is what it is when often to share the reasons would be unfair to someone else as it's their story too.
ReplyDeleteRain, you hit the nail on the head.
DeleteI am also one of those people feeling your pain, whatever is causing it. I can relate and wish you a safe journey through the grief you carry right now. Giving you my own cyber hugs and emotional support. You are a friend, albeit virtual, and it hurts to know you are hurting. :-(
ReplyDeletePain is pain. Even splinters hurt.
ReplyDeletesorry to hear you carry this burden and pain however silently.
ReplyDeleteI am so very, very sorry.
ReplyDeleteOnce long ago, I set out with one of my daughters to search the streets for the other daughter. We drove up and down the streets and alley's seemingly forever. On one of the streets near where we used to live, we found a very old and battered Lincoln. Daughter was curled up among her belongings in the back seat. We were both very glad to know she was still alive, but we had to drive away and leave her there. I've never forgotten those moments.
After the weekend we went through I thought we would have at least the next weekend as respite. Dreading the holiday season, as it is amazing how many people think we should be able to FIX this.
DeletePrayers.
ReplyDeleteYou may discover a moment when you feel numb, listening to your mind's voice talking about what life felt like, what you believe in, and what holds you. It isn't sad or a feeling of despair. It is your sheer strength, and in that moment you will know you can wait through the pain until the hurt fades.
I read between the lines
ReplyDeleteand some of your words
could be my words
You are special
one of my first to read my rambling
and now do not know if I can continue to share
I understand happiness and pain..
These are hard days for so many. Wishing you strength.
ReplyDeleteIt always saddens me to know their are blog friends out there hurting so much. I have no words of wisdom but I do hope you can weather this storm and come out of it soon. Lots of hugs and best wishes.
ReplyDeleteWithout the Dark Night we can't experience true joy! Andrea
ReplyDeleteI feel you. It sounds like loss.
ReplyDeleteThere are moments in life when everything is right, and then there are those terrible times when something happens and you have to cope. The burdens of the world hang heavy on the soul, the sheer panic and fright when we experience something close to us is indescribable. It does heal over time though.
ReplyDeleteI have your spirits are lifted a bit this day. You know that you are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAre you following Kay's latest trip to Japan? It will leave you with a smile.
PS: Thanks for telling me about Hattie. Her words have added to my days for a long time.
ReplyDeleteI put a comment there but it did not get published. She was a tough lady.
DeleteSome of what we experience can wisely remain a secret in certain situations which so consolidated may increase the pain we feel. Expressing that pain in vague, abstract or the poetic language of art can sometimes help diffuse those hurtful feelings. So it is here with blogging friends — may you feel the caring and comfort.
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