Regarding the various comments from my prior post, you all have me thinking, thinking, and thinking.
Well, I am going to be honest regarding the financial help without being too honest. It was over 100K that we provided to the purchase of this new house. It is a holding space so that they qualified for the mortgage. The plan is that they will give it back to us when they sell the house they are currently leaving. They have that much equity in it. (Maybe this is why we are so invested in the immediate and best price sale of the house.)
Yes, Mage, we could afford to hire painters and fence installers, but kids cannot. We would probably not see that money returned to us if we did this. Therefore, we are too frugal and do it ourselves. Or we negotiate with their neighbors next door and we have the kids provide the fence materials and find the neighbor and his landscape crew are more than happy to install the fence AND tear out their rusted,ugly chain link fenced. (Mr. Neighbor seems thrilled to be able to hide all his lawn mowers, work trucks and other stuff behind an 8-foot fence!)
Earlier this year my husband and I washed and painted a small condo that my son owns (with 5K we gave him and which he never paid back) and which he now rents and clears a few hundred each month for income. My son and his wife did help us with this project on that weekend.
Regarding the word "No." followed by "Just cannot work out time to help you at this time. We would love to, but just cannot." who knows why we cannot say this?
I have gone over the reasons:
DIL's parents are extremely hard workers and if they lived closer would put us to shame as they are also talented in this type of work, unlike we, who barely get a fine coat of paint across a wall. Fear that they would show us up, if not now, then someday?
Perhaps after a number of years of distance we have our son back in our lives and we are afraid to lose him again, if we do not help and help and help?
Perhaps we are those Puritan work ethic types that feel guilty if we do not display love through hard work?
Perhaps we are so insecure that we are afraid they will only love us if we make such sacrifices?
Perhaps we like the sense of accomplishment as it proves we are not dead yet and we know that soon we will not be able to offer this help and be too old and it give us bragging rights?
Perhaps we subconsciously want to use it to manipulate our children thoroughout their lives as many parents do???
...Oh Gee, I just noticed I have white paint under my fingernails, the few that have not been totally chipped away by all this work. Excuse me....will you?
Oh my! When I was a young bride my mom was decidedly uninvolved with our daily life but did lend us 4000$ to buy our first house. We never paid her back and she never mentioned it.
ReplyDeleteNow I realize that by keeping my distance and being gd independent we robbed her of some of the most wonderful joy of of her "golden" years. I love it when my daughter and sil ask for my opinions or help. I am so excited for their new happy life and I totally have the time and energy for projects...though clearly YOU win in the energy category. The trick is to know enough to not take over their lives, to step back and let them be the decision makers in all of this...sometimes a bit challenging. And the other trick is to feel good about it....because one thing I do know is that finally at this stage of my life, I am at choice. I get to choose what I do. And I get to choose how I feel about it. Would I give them 100,000$ to accomplish their goals?...you betcha. I raised that girl! A few ago she offered and then gave me $35,000 so that I could quickly pay off a second mortgage without tapping too early into my retirement. I am confident in her integrity. And I know without a doubt that if gfb I run out of money before I die, she and hubby will be the ones helping me out. We do things because we love our kids. And yes, i guess that "no"can sometimes also be the most loving answer.
Interesting post!! I love your blog!
ReplyDeletexoxo!
smiles...i dont think you want it to manipulate them...i hope not...my parents have helped us on occassion and done it with a happy heart...accepting it was not always easy for me...but they made it that way
ReplyDeleteThere are many reasons that play into everything we choose to do and not do, and we will never even know all of them ourselves. It's okay for you to do what is best for you and for your kids right now.
ReplyDeletePerhaps all of your "perhaps" are valid but I think it can be simplified. I think love inspires your actions and love needs no justification. Your children learn by your example, with any luck your generosity will be returned though I doubt you believe in keeping score. We do what we can and are happy to be able bodied. Here's hoping fall brings you some R&R.
ReplyDeleteLike I said in my last comment, I'm in no position to judge. We parents do what we think is best and it's hard at times to say "no,: even when we suspect we should.
ReplyDeleteDear Tabor, yes, all those are valid reasons not to say no. Sometimes I come first. Alanon, that Family group paired often with AA, taught me to say No with love. If I don't take care of me first, I won't be able to say yes when needed.
ReplyDeleteYes, we contribute to one daughter's college education. We do clothes and supplies for another granddaughters schooling. We would do more for other grandkids if they asked. I too can't judge, but I have trouble saying yes if anyone is doing drugs or drinking. There's a bottom line for you.
You just take care of you and the paint too. :)
RYN: You inspire me. I'm going to try one more time to get through to the Mystery Guild online then send real written letters. Great idea.
ReplyDeleteThis is quite an interesting list. You examine many possible motives, and each probably holds a grain of truth.
ReplyDeleteI like reading what you write. Wish I could do it more often. My tablet only displays your site's text as black type on a blue background (go figure) so I have to remember to look when I am on the laptop. Fortunately for me, its always worth it.
ReplyDeleteIt's always a delicate balance, isn't it? We learn as we get older that giving is important but just as important is receiving gracefully.
ReplyDeletePerhaps without all the search for justification you could just call it unconditional love.
ReplyDeleteUnderstand all you share.
ReplyDeleteI will give all I have
and wish like years ago
there was more to give.
At the moment some of my children in a great place and others
getting by. My two youngest granddaughters my concern at this time and want them to have the education that their parents had.
We were independent already in our early 20's, but those were different times.
ReplyDeleteWe are overjoyed to be able to do what we can for our children.