The Oldest Profession

Well, while it is the oldest "job" and really is a profession there is yet some discussion on whether it is 'paid.' I am talking about motherhood.

I have been reading and watching someone in blogdom go through a painful breakup of a marriage involving small children. (Blogdom is like the rabbit hole...you fall into another's honest life and it becomes as important as the lives of those you talk to each day.) Like all marriages her's is complicated and there are many sides to the story including the sides of the children. She has decided to get a divorce and that decision is neither right nor wrong. Since this decision involves tremendous pain and sacrifice, I know that she has thought long and hard about this and feels that it is the BEST decision for her--and for those she cares about--maybe even including her future ex. While I have never gone through a divorce (and therefore probably cannot really write about it) I always thought of it like the amputation of a limb. Sometimes the limb is so diseased and painful that the owner does not miss it nor its usefulness for any length of time once the initial pain and inconvenience are gone. The fear and pain of the amputation is replaced by a deep breath of freedom and safety.

For others, this limb is loved and useful but requires too much bracing and support and therapy to keep it working and the owner just becomes tired --- muscle tired, bone tired. So they carefully and intellectually proceed to get the surgery. It is preceded by therapy and advice from EVERYONE around them. They know, even without hope, though, that the divorce is the final necessary act.

In so many cases marriages dissolve because the woman loses herself. She views the marriage like any very important job. She puts in 125%. But there is no promotion and certainly no change in status in this world. She works 24 hours a day seven days a week and doesn't think about down time or her needs. She is going to be the best G--D--- wife ever and her kids are never going to want for support and sustenance and her husband is going to be treated like the breadwinner king that he is. This is a particularly difficult role to play if you are also working 40 hours a week as many women are. Of course, hubby is in shock when the big D rears it ugly head. Men (and yes, I generalize here) are not perceptive in relationships and tend to ignore subtle and blatant clues. He thought that the pure love was the only currency necessary. He thought she really was passionate about all of this stuff. Clean toilets, perfectly crafted couponed shopping, child psychology on call, and of course, sex on call. Few men are raised to look at marriage the same way they would look at a business partnership. I admit I didn't raise my son that way.

And then as the children grow and she gets a little space and down time she has moments of clarity that she lost her real self somewhere along the way. She realizes that the woman her husband married is deeply buried in a half-lidded body and an ugly gray sweatsuit. She finds there are things she would like to change in the marriage, but she doesn't have the necessary power or energy to make the changes, that is, until she makes the BIG change.

I wish there was some magic formula to make marriages work for those intelligent people. Some perfect therapy or medicine or chant.

Oh well, it is not the end of the world in the grand scheme of things. It is the beginning of a new life and both will stretch and grow and learn. And both will look back on this time, and if they are mentally healthy, they will view it as a lesson and it will make them better people.

Your turn.