I have a sweet niece who lost her mother to cancer when she was only 13, she is now 16. She lives on the other side of the continent from me. Her father owns a decent amount of rental income property in California in addition to getting a salary from his job, so money is not an issue in this girl's life...although her father can be somewhat miserly.
Anyway, I send her emails and cards and see her on some holidays. She rarely responds to these including not sending thank you notes even though she likes us and is sweet to us when we briefly get together face to face over rare holidays.
This morning I got an email from her (actually from Urbanoutfitters registry) telling me what she would like for her upcoming birthday. (SHE REGISTERED for her birthday?) Then she sent a follow-up email, after months of not hearing from her, telling me a little about what is happening in her life and then joking about her upcoming birthday.
I will certainly send her a birthday gift, but I am concerned about the parental guidance she needs in this...should I scold her about not communicating for long periods of time?...should I remind her that I didn't get a thank you for the Christmas gift and have no idea if she liked it? I have never wanted to be one of those sanctimonious aunts...but the girl has a somewhat absent father in terms of providing her social guidance...he is also busy dating someone else right now. And I know how distracting that can be to the male animal.
Wow, registered for a birthday? That's certainly a new concept for me. But at my age, I don't even like to celebrate birthdays with much fanfare, much less tell people what I want.
ReplyDeleteThe poor girl though, she probably doesn't really know what the correct etiquette is with this sort of thing. I don't see anything wrong with speaking your mind though. But then, I come from a culture in which relatives are always very well respected, so if a scolding came from Aunt So-and-So, I'd be mortified and embarrassed, but then I would have taken that as a lesson learned.
Because of a different cultural background, we don't have such registration systems or habits in Japan. And so I have no idea how natural or how rude it is. Is it depending on generation? Anyway I think your niece needs to have someone who gives her appropriate parental suggestions and advice from time to time. Although I don't want to use the word "scolding," if I were in your situation, at least I would like to tell her my thought about social manners, which, in principle, is “Do to others whatever you would be pleased if you were in their situation.”
ReplyDeleteWow, between the Server being down and being busy, I missed this post until today.
ReplyDeleteWe must have the same niece! I swear! They can be sweet, but sometimes their actions can be so frustrating.
When you send her the gift, maybe include a note to ask her to send you an email to make sure she got the gift. Since you didn't hear if she received the Christmas gift or not, you want to be sure she is getting her gifts from you.
This is my idea of a nice way of getting your point across.
Good luck, and know you aren't alone. But,I agree - registering for a birthday is a little much.
While making the list of people to invite to my niece's graduation, she asked me who had money that she could invite. After I overcame my shock at her rudeness, I explained to her that wasn't a very nice thing to say or be thinking about.
She has been with me for three years and I can guarantee you she didn't get that attitude from me.
I'm just glad she hasn't come across the idea of registering her graduation!
well, I sent the email...but knowing how blunt emails can sound...will see. She is pretty insecure and I don't think will take suggestions about her behavior too well. I am sure she isn't getting any adult criticism from anyone these days.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice bloggers!
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