Thursday, March 30, 2017

My Telenovela Season

There is a reason that one's instinct should be honed.  It is a tool that we often ignore in this chaotic world of multiple stimuli.   When something lingers in the back of your mind, you should invite it on in and offer it some coffee and pick its mind.  Then you can make a pro and con list before you do something or decide something.

But what if you have conflicting instincts?

I do have two conflicting instincts.  One tells me to hibernate  at home with my forest and my birds and my garden and stay safe.  These activities rarely disappoint.  They often reward.  The other instinct tells me that hibernation means the mind and spirit will become sterile and stale and may just eventually die.  Therefore, I am routinely battling with these two noises in my brain.

I fought the instinct to just veg because I do that a LOT of time in my retirement days.  I read, I cook experimentally, I play with photography, I garden, I watch TV, I download courses on my laptop, I blog, all of which allows me to remain in my cave and face challenges at a snail's pace.

Master Gardening activities do force me to go to meetings, participate in events and work on projects with others.  My family is just near enough that I am called upon to babysit or share an activity with grandchildren who will, all too  soon, be young adults themselves.  I force myself to offer dinner to friends a few times a year.  It  is work and I  get nervous (odd at my age), but it always ends up being time well spent.

My instinct told me that volunteering with the Adult Basic Education office would be both a challenge and a reward.  The reward has been in inspiring people to bring their best to the table.  Another reward has been re-learning all that I forgot!  The challenge has been  in taking the time to prepare lessons and work through the clunky library computer software to schedule a study room and then to find this was all for naught as my students, who have their own challenging adult lives, cancel on the day of the lesson.

I am  currently working with a woman from Peru who has passed her high school equivalency but still  finds everyday English an effort.  She wants to go to community college, but her lack of command of English would hold her back.   She also is still saving money for this from her  full-time job.  One recent afternoon we met for a lesson after she had cancelled the prior week.  She  had said that her husband had  a "cholesterol emergency."  She had to  take him to the hospital.

Once we had settled in and spread out our work, I asked her how her husband  was.  Her face fell and she said he was just fine and back home.  She  looked very tired and claimed she was fighting a cold. I opened the vocabulary book and looked at our lesson and asked her the first question.  She fumbled a bit and when I looked up her face had collapsed into pure  misery as she tried to hide her weeping.  Suddenly the lesson was forgotten as I reached out to hug her and asked what was wrong.

I never expected the "Telanovela" episodes she was going to bring forth.  It seems that along with PTSD her husband has a cholesterol problem, yes, but more significantly he has a serious drinking problem and that is what brought him to the hospital.  He  tells his therapist that he is going to quit drinking and like many with addictions goes home and starts drinking, and as many know, the turn away from alcoholism has to really begin with  the alcoholic.  When in the Navy he was very physically fit,  but now a knee injury and an arm injury have left him far less able to be as active as he would like.  He is retired but did some work with a construction company and had a falling out with the boss.  I am sure he sees his life as useless.  He  has lots of excuses.

Well, this is only one of  the issues as her concern for his drinking has made him violent and threatening  to her.  She grew up in an abusive home watching her father abuse her mother, and perhaps without knowing it, she has returned to something familiar here, and she is frightened. 

Then there is the Telanovela episode of her not being able to stay in  the  country if she divorces him.  She is about nine months and $1000.00 away from getting permanent residency and the immigration officials are already suspicious that her marriage was one of convenience and not love, and perhaps it was.  
When one is living in a country filled with crime and poverty and daily dangers an inroad to that golden America is hard to pass up.

If you do not think this story could get any more complicated, she is living  with him and his ex-wife!  According to my student the ex-wife is very kind  to her and helpful...to the point of buying her a car for her to get to work.  The ex-wife still works full time at a good paying job for Navy intelligence but has severe arthritis problems and is looking forward to her own retirement.  The ex-wife is still on the husband's retirement pension.  I know,  it is all very strange.

I am  certain that a psychotherapist could complete a research paper on all three of these people.  I, on the other had, could only recommend  she walk on eggs for now, call an abuse hotline and make an appointment with a legal aid lawyer.   (I  did offer to pay a legal aid fee, if there was one.)  I was terrified for her but knew I was in no position to really give advice and knew all these problems were taking their toll on her.  For me it was a dangerous and tragic story, and I was not naive enough to think I had the whole story.  For her it was her daily life.  She works in retail and  it reminded me to be  ever so nice to  those workers as we have no idea what their daily life may be like.

Well, if that does not inspire your week and encourage you to listen to your instincts, I do not know what will.

21 comments:

  1. Wow. That is definitely a telenovela story, all right. I feel for her, and I do hope that she will be able to get a divorce and still stay in the country. What a dilemma for you, trying to figure out how to help.

    ReplyDelete
  2. soap opera for sure. but yeah, you never know what people live with unless they open up. I always try to be nice and easy to get along with. especially now in the atmosphere that has engulfed this country.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Being a semi-recluse for years, brings to mind a word that has helped me seek, and in some ways, sometimes achieve balance, and that word is: No.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It makes me remember to be kind to people because you never know what is going on in their lives. Such a sad story but she has the right idea about the importance of education at least.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I believe a lot in listening to instincts but there is that little voice that tells us we'll never be good enough, that we are bound to fail, that we should do this or that. I try to shut that one out. A positive voice can tell us something would be good for us but does not tear us down in doing it. I have had times when I was very involved with others, listened to many stories (sometimes found a friend didn't want to talk to me after they told me things they regretted). I now have a view of can I be part of the solution or am I part of the problem? I have had friends in abusive situations, but not threatened with deportation because of it. It can be risky when it's a friend as their abusive partner can turn on you-- something you don't have to worry about in this situation where it's not a friend. The other thing I have seen (during years past) is some just go from one abusive relationship to another as they get something out of being mistreated. Don't ask me what but I've seen it. Anyway, your title is right-- listen to your instincts when they are healthy and encouraging. The dark cloud that can sometimes settle over us is something to push away.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I really like the way you write. Also, good on you for listening to her sadly common tale of addiction and abuse.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm sure it was helpful for her to have someone listen like you did. Sometimes a willing ear is all you need.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow! Sometimes what other folks are going thru can make you feel so lucky- The guy I work with just broke up with his 15 year marriage, n I still don't understand that whole story, as he speaks little English n mostly Spanish. I still try to listen n be understanding too, as you definitely are. I bet you really comforted her to hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  9. These stories are tragic and break our hearts, and sometimes the only thing we can do is listen. Until she is ready, she will not move to deal with and get out of the situation, and until he is ready, he won't stop drinking.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm pretty sure your instincts are good, Tabor. And when faced with situations like the one you describe what else can we do but trust our instincts? About conflicting instincts, a couple of lines of a poem which I think may be by Don Blanding come to mind. "I wish my folks had made me twins. One of me to quest and roam and one of me to stay at home." Something like that. I always think it describes me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a perfect thought. I do like that.

      Delete
  11. Calmly reading along in another delightful Tabor post, I suddenly shifted to the edge of my seat muttering, "What? What? What?" This is an amazing story...and a fishy one. Hope you will learn some valid truths and share them when you do. Bravo to you for working in Adult Education.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Just what I read in dear Abby all the time. She has a job and a car and a roof over er head. There are hot lines she can call, and there is Alanoon. Poor thing.

    ReplyDelete
  13. What a godawful situation. And yet she still takes care of him instead of herself.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm amazed she could get all that across in English, but maybe you speak good Spanish? I't quite an eye opener. I feel so unsafe and worry about everyone, knowing many really are unsafe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Colleen, she speaks good enough English although her accent is a bit thick. She is smart as a whip.

      Delete
    2. That should be she speaks "well" enough!!

      Delete
  15. We know there are many people out there who are struggling. I means so much more to actually know one. Wishing the best to her, and you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wow. First, you are really making the most of your retirement. I'm not even close to doing what you do. Second, I used to teach English as a second language, and every student had a stunning story. You do the best you can. Being a good listener is the first thing that you can do and it sounds like you are a pro.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Some are always quick to judge the victim.
    Is basic compassion still a thing or nah? Sigh...

    ReplyDelete
  18. Sounds to me as if you are more than fulfilling your potential to help your students. You put me to shame, as I am far too lazy to reach out to others. If they turn up in my mailbox or on the doorstep or on the phone I just about cope. Keep it up! Blessings from Dalamory.

    ReplyDelete

Take your time...take a deep breath...then hit me with your best shot.