Feeling wet, sticky and tangled these days.
I love fall, and am not sure why my mood is not lighter and brighter. It is not S.A.D. because I do not feel that way until winter days have lingered with their cold gray shadows for some time. I am having trouble sleeping. I fall asleep easily but after four hours I am wide awake and wishing I could do something around the house without waking hubby.
I find that certain people with their self-centered or non-compromising approach to life annoy me more than ever. I find I have feelings of paranoia, where my super confidence used to reside. I worry that my children may be tolerating me more than I know. Thank goodness my husband has enough self-confidence for a small army and takes my arm as we plunge forward.
I hiked about 15 miles over the three days we were in the mountains with no real exhaustion, so I am determined that this is not a health issue. I move lots in the gardens. I hike. I walk. I move household goods. My diet is reasonably good since fall is harvest season, so I get lots of fresh veggies. I have not increased consumption of sugar or alcohol...although I think I am drinking more coffee these days.
At my age if one lets one's mind wander, it can drift down dangerous and depressing avenues. Could this could be a mild health issue camouflaging more serious issues? I watch the news too much and wonder if, indeed, our world and our society are coming to a sad end? Is that the source of my angst? As I age I realize various neurons do not fire as they should...am I slowly loosing my mind? Why am I forgetting things that I don't really care about? Why don't I care about stuff?
My only plan for right now is to try to stop thinking about this. And, yes, formal exercise should begin to filter its way into my web of days...maybe starting tomorrow?
I just hate that at this time in my life I am not more stable and more 'normal'. I thought life would be far less of an emotional roller coaster. I sometimes feel like I am in junior high once again second guessing every decision and every conversation and wondering who I really am and what the h**l have I actually done with my life thus far?